Thursday, December 17, 2009

Open Letters: Fa-la-la-la-whatever edition!

Dear Some of the People I work with,

Lord y'all, what do your refrigerators at home smell like? Because you've managed to make the brand-new, shiny, fancy lovely one in the breakroom smell like the biggest bunch of ass ever. And it's NEW. And it shouldn't smell like that. I'm certain of this.

I do not understand why you feel the need to bring things like entire chopped onions and place them in the fridge. Are you eating these onions at work? Because I'm thinking that's kind of wrong too.

Also? You're grown-ass people and your momma doesn't work here. If you drop your cookie on the breakroom floor? Lean over and PICK IT UP. It's not someone else's job to do that. I know that since you don't have a vagina you think you are incapable of doing menial tasks such as rinsing off your own dish or wiping out the microwave after your coffee boils over, but I swear to frog you can do it. Really. Just try it sometime. You'll be as amazed as you were that one time that you hit Control/F and realized you could do a search in documents. And that was CRAZY.


Dear insurance company,

I'm one of those really sweet-voiced Tennessee girls, thus I think you are unaware of exactly how postal I'm going to go on you if you don't fix our car soon.

The accident was TWELVE DAYS AGO. If our payment was due on the fifth and we didn't send it to you for TWELVE DAYS I'm pretty certain you would drop us like a proverbial hot potato. But you can basically ignore us, give us incorrect information, and then ignore us some more for going on two weeks and we just have to take it?

I know you really don't give two craps about the people who utilize your service and you won't care when we cancel our insurance and go with someone else as soon as this is all taken care of. I get that. But still? You both suck and blow.


Dear Drivers on Interstate 40,

Wherever you are going? It will still be there if you get there five minutes later. Your mommas house isn't going to implode if you don't get there at 5:26am. Shoneys has one of those hot pot things and the coffee will still be warm. The Wal-Mart is open 24/7 and they never, ever run out of hemorrhoid cream OR tube socks. So you're gold, okay? No need to rush.

Also? If you drive with your Christmas tree blocking the entire back window of your vehicle and change lanes with wild abandon? You are pretty much a douche canoe.


Dear Tiger Woods,

Perhaps I'm cynical, but I just really don't care what you do with your peen. I think you're kind of gross, but meh. I just don't care that much.

Also? Is it true you are changing your name to Cheetah?

Bye for now!

Dear Children of mine,

Yes, you HAVE to watch Teen Mom. It's required by the Law of Stephanie.

I don't believe being a teen mom (or dad) is the worst thing that could happen to you. But I think it would be hard. I don't want your life to be any harder than it absolutely has to be. Not so you'll be some namby-pamby. But so you don't have to struggle. Struggling? Sucks.

So this is what I want you to learn and how I choose to present it. This is also why I shriek things at you like, "BOYS WILL LIE TO YOU GIRL CHILD! THEY'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO LOOK AT THEIR PEEN!" Okay, I don't usually say the peen part. BUT IT'S REALLY TRUE.

Love you guys. Keep all your business in your pants.


Bethany said...

You crack me up!

Unknown said...

OMG - laughing so hard. Or, LSH. OK, that doesn't really work. But dousche canoe and keep your business in your pants?? HA HA HA!!

~Brad's Wife

Sharon said...

I tell my stepdaughter that boys will say or do anything to get in her pants, and damn if she doesn't look at me like I've lost my freaking mind! I just keep repeating myself and one day it will sink in...I hope.

insomniac ellen said...

I was laughing and enjoying your latest gem.... then I got to the letter to your kids.

Scary having kids fast approaching the teen years isn't it? You DON'T want them to struggle, especially if you did. Still are.

My daughter was 16 when her son was born. Getting her through high school and college, and him started in life, was a challenge, but so worth it. She became an amazing mom and an amazing woman. And my grandson rocks. He's a freshman in college, so I still have a few more worrying years ahead.

Happy Holidays to you and yours,

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Love your open letters!

Jenski said...

These are good letters that should truly be sent.

Especially that whole commuting thing. I was just wondering this morning how many people know that when you are on an ON ramp that YOU are supposed to yield to the traffic going 75 miles per hour? Or if the roads are slick, why they are tailgating an 18-wheeler?

Bexterrific said...

Open letters is my favorite. FAVORITE!!! And so are you. :)