Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Here's what you guys are searching for these days

These are some of the recent search terms that brought people to this blog. So. Yeah.

i am stephanie snowe
jaden smith penis
leah texting while drivibg on teen mom 2

The only other things I have to say are as follows:

1) I have on good authority that you are absolutely not Stephanie Snowe.
2) I don't know why you would care about Jaden Smith or his penis. Seek help.
3) Leah. GIRL. NO. You shouldn't text if you are driving. Or drivibg. Or whatever. STOP TEXTING. Also? GET OFF MY LAWN.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Works for me.

Jason and I celebrated our 11th anniversary on July 12. By celebrated I mean we were in two different states and I can't remember if we talked or not on that day.

We did end up going on an overnight trip to the Outer Banks this past weekend, so that counted, right? We went to dinner on Saturday night and I said, "Time for our annual state of the union!"

It went like this:

"Are you happy?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Yes. Is there anything we need to discuss or work on?"
"Nope. Do you think there is anything we need to discuss or work on?"
"Nope. What do you want for dinner?"

That was it.

I guess that's how it is sometimes.

I guess we're normal and boring.

Thank God.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I watch so you don't have to: Teen Mom 2/Season Premiere

Um, spoilers ahead. Obviously.

So, anyway. As part of my ongoing commitment to helping you guys and bettering the internet community, I watched the first episode of Teen Mom 2 last night, and now I'm going to tell you all about it so you don't have to watch it too. I know. I'm pretty great. You're welcome.

I'm not going to recap it because, um, no need. You'll figure it out. I swear. It's not rocket surgery.

Anyway, enjoy.

Dang girl, what about that house you bought? Good on you! I did love Randy's comment though, "You know what's really good about that? I'm not buying the house." We all feel that way, Randy. We really do.

Side note: Why did they have to go upstairs to talk about Adam's crash?

Adam's baby is cute. Conversation with his significantly more attractive friend was so stilted and weird. You just know the MTV producer is off to the side saying, "Now you guys talk about the accident!" Yes. Totally normal conversation there. No pressure.

Why would Adam assume Chelsea would say something to Aubree about the car crash? Pretty sure Chelsea tries not to talk about Adam at all. Or at least I would if I were her. Maybe that's just me.

Also, are they just trying to come up with some drama for Chelsea? OH MY GOD A LETTER THAT ACCUSES ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO. So, um, respond to it and say you didn't do it? This is what adults do. Not hard.

Additionally, Landon needs to come assist me with my eyebrows.

You know, I really can't hate on our friend Chels that much, even though she says every single thing with an upward inflection at the end and when she says, "Dad" it sounds like, "DAAAAAADUH." (Funnier still when she says "Adam" is sounds like, "Adddddumbuh!"). She's pretty awesome.

Despite the fact that I'm the mother of twins and try to remember such things, I swear to God I can never recall the names of the two girls that Leah popped out (the first two. Okay, also I can't remember the name of the other one either. My bad. They all start with A).

So, in the opening scene was Blond A spraying hairspray in someone's face? Because based on everything I know about Leah, this would totally make sense.

Leah works at a place called "TanFastiq"? That is just so perfect.

Okay, seriously how many issues could Leah and "Germy" have? They've been married for like twenty minutes. I'm fairly certain they hate each other though, so I imagine that could be the primary issue they are having.

Did Leah and her husband SRSLY get in Baby A's crib with her? Whut. (Side note: I'm pretty sure there could never be a doubt about the paternity of Baby A. She could not look more like her father if he had given birth to her himself.) (Side note again: Did they seriously put leopard or cheetah print on that baby's walls? Whut again.)

Corey? Solid hipster beard, particularly with the camo. Love that West Virginia look. Smexy.

How many times did Corey say "Muscle dystrophy?" Does he think that's actually what it's called? I'm perplexed by this information.

Glasses A can come live with me anytime. She is so adorable that I am slain. I love how she periodically gives her parents the big side-eye. They totally deserve it.

Side note: Leah's hair in the drop-off scene? Oh girl. No.

Leah. Texting while driving? OH GIRL. NO. You suck for that, seriously.

Love Corey and Miranda's explanation to each other of events that happened when they were both present. That wasn't contrived at all, no not even a little. (Note: thank you to whatever producer whispered to Corey prior to that scene, "It's MUSCULAR dystrophy." That helped. Also, the kid can totally pronounce it better than her dad and he's got, what like, at least 17 years on her, right? She should teach classes at whatever community college Leah was attending for about twelve minutes a few seasons ago.)

I did love the scene at the restaurant between Glasses A and Leah. Such a sweet moment. My heart is all full for this kid I'll never know in real life. I was shouting at the television, "YOU CAN WALK GLASSES! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Jason gave me an ugly look and told me to keep my voice down. Clearly, he doesn't understand my generation.


"Being a teen mom has never been easy,". Girl, like you would know.

"I'm still legally married to Courtland. And we have stay separated for a year before I can file for divorce in North Carolina. But I want to start a family with my new boyfriend Nathan, right away. And now we're pregnant." Well. That escalated quickly. I see nothing that can go wrong here, how about you guys?

Scene in which Jenelle and her frienemy Amber (didn't they get in a fist fight over a sweatshirt once?) are talking: Oh my God, did she not look JUST like BAAAAAAAARBRA here? Just like her! Freaky!

"My mom likes Nathan a lot. She thinks he's going to be a great father, she just thinks he's a little bit controlling." Again. Nothing worrisome here, right?

..."And because he has his third DUI..." Bingo! Solid work, Jenelle. Perfect.

"Public Disturbance of Peace" Complete with air-quotes. I'm going to start working this into every possible conversation as frequently as I can. Just so you all know.

"So now both of us are facing jail time, technically". Seems legit.

What kind of place did they go to get that sonogram? It did not seem like a doctor's office. Also, why was Nathan wearing a Cosby-sweater and a tie for this appointment? Did they have a hot date at the Olive Garden afterward?

When Barbara appeared on screen? ANGELS SANG. I've missed her and YA BOOOOOOOOOYFRIEND.

"Kaiser! That's like a beer. Isn't that a beer?" Barbara. Never change. Evah.

"Like, I can't not be away from another one of my childs." No, seriously. Nathan said this. I'm fairly certain English is his first language. I turned on closed captioning and everything because I could not believe what I was hearing. Grammar=On point.

I love when people just casually discuss jail. Is this real life?

Nathan's attorney quickly proved to be one of my favorite people in the whole episode. I love when people call a spade a spade (or in Nathan's case, when people call a complete a&*hole a complete a&*hole).


Isaac is about the cutest kid I've ever seen in my whole life. My LAWD. He is just sweetness.

Anyway. Kailyn busting Javi's nuts about him not encouraging Isaac to go to visit Joe? Don't even start with that mess girl. You all know that if poor Javi had said two words about it, girlfriend would have jumped all over him. She needs to STAAAAAAAAAAPH. All children that age (4) don't want to do something sometimes and get whiny about it. He could have just as easily been saying, "I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaant to go to McDonalds!" or something similar. Not to mention, the kid has had cameras in his face since he was in his mom's womb, his mom just had a baby, and I imagine having to commute that much would be pretty darn stressful even if you aren't even in school yet. Let's cut the kid a break, please.

"Stop yelling at Lincoln's daddy"! Out of the mouth of babes. Heed this, please.


Blah, blah, blah cut to the end credits. Sad music plays. See ya next week!

Monday, July 14, 2014

I have all the feels.

My nephew got married on Saturday.

I don't know how this is possible since like last week he was playing with Barney, but it happened.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know how much I love my children. My nieces and nephews aren't technically my children, but they are very close second. I adore those kids.  A great number of the happiest moments of my life have been spent with these people; playing Apples to Apples, swimming, talking, and laughing until we are hoarse.

Things will change now, at least a little. It's inevitable. I know all "the kids" are growing up. Not so much kids anymore. They've gotten jobs and drivers licenses, they've had graduation ceremonies. My own babies aren't babies anymore. We can't stay stagnant. We have to grow and change. All of us. Even those of us who wish things could be the same, just for a little while longer.

My nephew and his wife (wow, that seems weird to type) will be just fine. They are wonderful, sweet, hard-working people who are totally in love with each other. I don't worry about them...not in that way anyway. There are no guarantees in marriage, or in life, but I don't worry about the two of them. I honestly don't.

I also know this means more exciting, different things are coming. Eventually  I will be a great-aunt (and since I'm already an AWESOME AUNT, the title might be confusing). My children will be Juniors in high school next month. My daughter is talking about where she wants to go to college, where she wants to live someday (I think my son just plans on staying here forever since I'm such a great cook). Some of it feels a little scary, but it's a good scary. If that makes sense.

They are still my kids. They'll always be my kids. Aunt Steph will always, always have their backs.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

A special request, from me to you.

So, as you know, I'm kind of a douche.

I'm learning to not be a douche. It's hard sometimes, but I'm really trying. Really.

Being the mom of two teenagers is teaching me a lot. A whole lot. I have more intelligent, philosophical conversations with my son and daughter than I do almost anyone. Not that they are geniuses (I think they are, of course!) but they think of things in totally different ways than I do. They aren't afraid to tell me about it either and it's great. They aren't afraid to call me out on things either and since somehow despite their parentage they aren't douchebags, they aren't rude about it. 

They are learning to drive. In our state they have to be supervised for a year and obtain a certain amount of driving time before they can get a "full" license, so we're in the car a lot. A lot. This is one of those times that I wish I could clone myself. I haven't felt that way about having twins since they were very young, but my goodness. It's a lot of hours.

I'm so aware of other drivers when I'm riding with my children and, um....a lot of other drivers are not very nice. 

Even if one of my student drivers is going the speed limit, they honk. They flip the bird. They make ugly faces. They drive in the breakdown lane and cut back over quickly, scaring the crap out of my student drivers. 

They are learning. They are doing the best they can. They are actually doing really well, considering the very short amount of time they've been driving.

They could do without you being a dick.

I am so, so guilty of complaining about other drivers. SO guilty. As most of you know. Ahem.

So I'm going to do better and I would appreciate if you did too. 

If you see someone going slower than you think they should be, or someone who seems just a little unsure, please, please, please do not whip around them and cut them off. Please do not get angry and furious and think they are being a jerk. My kids aren't being jerks. They're just learning. Yes, I go 54 in a 45 and I'm sure you do too. They aren't ready to do that yet. They're okay with going 45, but they don't feel confident enough to speed yet. They don't deserve the finger for that.

Please. Be patient. Soon enough they'll be tearing it up like everyone else. Give them a chance to get there.