Monday, July 28, 2014

I totally got dissed on Facebook.

One of the many, many problems with living in small towns (which, with the exception of my years in Knoxville, I've always done) is that everyone you know knows everyone else you know. This is great if everyone likes you. This is not great if you are, you know, human.

As I am quite tragically human, not everyone likes me. In fact, a fair number of people dislike me, including several that I have to deal with on a daily basis. It isn't fun and lately it stresses me out a lot. I try to deal with those day-to-day dislikers as little as possible, and I certainly don't interact with them on Facebook. Okay, I do tend to be a teeny, tiny, almost minuscule Facebook stalker. Okay, actually, that's a little bit of a lie because I totally stalk certain people and then email my friends so we can laugh at the people I'm stalking. But that's hardly ever, really. I promise. I really don't care enough about most people to spend a lot of time doing this. Also, I'm really busy and stalking is very time consuming. Allegedly.

Anyway, I totally wasn't stalking this time (really!). A friend re-posted something and I don't even know why or how but I clicked on the link and fell down the rabbit hole and then? I found something not very nice about me.

Okay, it really wasn't nice. It was most decidedly NOT nice. It was, as the nice ladies in East Tennessee might say, "ugly".

In the comments section, someone I don't know and have never met was accepting compliments from a number of people who were saying how fantastic and wonderful and special and Godly she is because of something she was doing or organizing or something. So, that's cool, right? Yay! Wow, I'm down with this Jesus fellow so therefore I'm on board. Sounds like she's a terrific person! We have a mutual friend. Probably several mutual friends! Maybe I'd like her too, since she's so amazeballs!

Somehow I figured out this person is married to someone I used to date a really long time ago. Like, so long ago I can't remember how long it's been, but it's been a really, really long time. Like, forever.

This lady, this super Godly wife, posted that every day her husband thanked God that he married her instead of the immature girl he used to date.

She seriously did.

(Oddly, the God I believe in wouldn't be cool with someone saying something like that. Just a random aside and perhaps not important to the story)

I don't know this lady. I do know I was the only person her husband dated before he married her (like I said, small town. Gossip. I've heard things). I've dated, um, several people since then and I'm working on driving yet another man slowly insane. Hell, I've been frustrating Jason beyond words for like fifteen years. This is ancient history.

So, seriously. Wut?

I'm no threat to her, like at all.  I have no interest in her "man". I have absolutely, literally no idea why I would ever come up in conversation, even casually. Further, I have zero doubt that I was immature many years ago because 1) I'm immature now and 2) It was like twelve thousand years ago and I was pretty much an infant when all of this was happening.

So. Um. Sorry about your marriage lady. Other that that...I got nothing.

(Okay, so I do have this: I'm sorry you realize I'm way cuter that you and that makes you feel insecure)

(Okay, also? I'm sorry that your kids seem depressed and post things about how your husband yells at them all the time)

(Okay, and this? I'm sorry I looked at your kids pages too. But you started this.)

(Okay, also this. I'm not really sorry.)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I used to sometimes write things.

Like this. I wrote this back in June 2009 and sad, sad circumstances have caused me to think of it once again.

(Eventually I'll get back to posting NEW stupid crap no one cares about. Promise)

Words fail.

One of my dearest friends has joined the Club.

There is no guide to dealing with this Club. No initiation. You are simply, miserably, thrust into it.

She's had a miscarriage. She's joined the millions of other women in this world, myself included, who are suddenly, painfully, not pregnant anymore.

She and I talked and she said to me perhaps the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life,

"It was just my turn."

Her turn. To lose. To be lost.

It's so not fair. It's so blindingly not fair that it makes me ill.

Because why does it have to be her turn? Why, when she is good and kind and loving and really wants to have a baby? Why is her turn to feel that her body has failed her? Why does it have to be her husband's turn to watch his wife cry? When they did everything they were supposed to do. When she dutifully stopped drinking her morning coffee and took all the disgusting vitamins she was supposed to take. When every day she took walks and kept herself in just the right shape. When she stopped having wine at dinner, months before, just to prepare herself.

She has to lose.

Instead of joining the happy baby club, in which you get to discuss your vivid dreams and how much weight you get to gain and your weird pickle and Wendy's Frosty cravings, she instead joins the miserable little club that no one wants to talk about. The one where you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. And why did this happen. And will I ever be normal. And why God hates you.

Even the words are stupid and angry. Miscarriage. She didn't drop the baby. She didn't misplace it somewhere. It's right where it always was. Inside her heart, which is now broken because life is so damn unfair.

She's lost her baby. 

But it's not lost. It will never be.

There are no words of comfort. Everything you say to someone who has lost her baby is inadequate. Even if you've been there. Even if you know, in some small way, how she's feeling.

She, for her part, is optimistic. Positive. It's a blip in the road, and she'll have a healthy baby soon. I believe that, strongly. It's happened for so many of my friends. So, so many. It's miserable and terrible and horrible but you get through it. You plod on. You get another test a few months later and it's positive. A beautiful little plus sign. You get another and another and they all have beautiful little plus signs. You are cautious and optimistic and maybe a bit scared for a few months and then you have a beautiful, rounded belly with a beautiful little baby inside.

I know it happens. It happens for most. I know this.

It all works out. You don't drop the baby this time.

Still. You are forever part of the Club. You wear it like a scar on your heart.

It never goes away.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Here's what you guys are searching for these days

These are some of the recent search terms that brought people to this blog. So. Yeah.

i am stephanie snowe
jaden smith penis
leah texting while drivibg on teen mom 2

The only other things I have to say are as follows:

1) I have on good authority that you are absolutely not Stephanie Snowe.
2) I don't know why you would care about Jaden Smith or his penis. Seek help.
3) Leah. GIRL. NO. You shouldn't text if you are driving. Or drivibg. Or whatever. STOP TEXTING. Also? GET OFF MY LAWN.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Works for me.

Jason and I celebrated our 11th anniversary on July 12. By celebrated I mean we were in two different states and I can't remember if we talked or not on that day.

We did end up going on an overnight trip to the Outer Banks this past weekend, so that counted, right? We went to dinner on Saturday night and I said, "Time for our annual state of the union!"

It went like this:

"Are you happy?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Yes. Is there anything we need to discuss or work on?"
"Nope. Do you think there is anything we need to discuss or work on?"
"Nope. What do you want for dinner?"

That was it.

I guess that's how it is sometimes.

I guess we're normal and boring.

Thank God.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I watch so you don't have to: Teen Mom 2/Season Premiere

Um, spoilers ahead. Obviously.

So, anyway. As part of my ongoing commitment to helping you guys and bettering the internet community, I watched the first episode of Teen Mom 2 last night, and now I'm going to tell you all about it so you don't have to watch it too. I know. I'm pretty great. You're welcome.

I'm not going to recap it because, um, no need. You'll figure it out. I swear. It's not rocket surgery.

Anyway, enjoy.

Dang girl, what about that house you bought? Good on you! I did love Randy's comment though, "You know what's really good about that? I'm not buying the house." We all feel that way, Randy. We really do.

Side note: Why did they have to go upstairs to talk about Adam's crash?

Adam's baby is cute. Conversation with his significantly more attractive friend was so stilted and weird. You just know the MTV producer is off to the side saying, "Now you guys talk about the accident!" Yes. Totally normal conversation there. No pressure.

Why would Adam assume Chelsea would say something to Aubree about the car crash? Pretty sure Chelsea tries not to talk about Adam at all. Or at least I would if I were her. Maybe that's just me.

Also, are they just trying to come up with some drama for Chelsea? OH MY GOD A LETTER THAT ACCUSES ME OF SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO. So, um, respond to it and say you didn't do it? This is what adults do. Not hard.

Additionally, Landon needs to come assist me with my eyebrows.

You know, I really can't hate on our friend Chels that much, even though she says every single thing with an upward inflection at the end and when she says, "Dad" it sounds like, "DAAAAAADUH." (Funnier still when she says "Adam" is sounds like, "Adddddumbuh!"). She's pretty awesome.

Despite the fact that I'm the mother of twins and try to remember such things, I swear to God I can never recall the names of the two girls that Leah popped out (the first two. Okay, also I can't remember the name of the other one either. My bad. They all start with A).

So, in the opening scene was Blond A spraying hairspray in someone's face? Because based on everything I know about Leah, this would totally make sense.

Leah works at a place called "TanFastiq"? That is just so perfect.

Okay, seriously how many issues could Leah and "Germy" have? They've been married for like twenty minutes. I'm fairly certain they hate each other though, so I imagine that could be the primary issue they are having.

Did Leah and her husband SRSLY get in Baby A's crib with her? Whut. (Side note: I'm pretty sure there could never be a doubt about the paternity of Baby A. She could not look more like her father if he had given birth to her himself.) (Side note again: Did they seriously put leopard or cheetah print on that baby's walls? Whut again.)

Corey? Solid hipster beard, particularly with the camo. Love that West Virginia look. Smexy.

How many times did Corey say "Muscle dystrophy?" Does he think that's actually what it's called? I'm perplexed by this information.

Glasses A can come live with me anytime. She is so adorable that I am slain. I love how she periodically gives her parents the big side-eye. They totally deserve it.

Side note: Leah's hair in the drop-off scene? Oh girl. No.

Leah. Texting while driving? OH GIRL. NO. You suck for that, seriously.

Love Corey and Miranda's explanation to each other of events that happened when they were both present. That wasn't contrived at all, no not even a little. (Note: thank you to whatever producer whispered to Corey prior to that scene, "It's MUSCULAR dystrophy." That helped. Also, the kid can totally pronounce it better than her dad and he's got, what like, at least 17 years on her, right? She should teach classes at whatever community college Leah was attending for about twelve minutes a few seasons ago.)

I did love the scene at the restaurant between Glasses A and Leah. Such a sweet moment. My heart is all full for this kid I'll never know in real life. I was shouting at the television, "YOU CAN WALK GLASSES! I BELIEVE IN YOU!" Jason gave me an ugly look and told me to keep my voice down. Clearly, he doesn't understand my generation.


"Being a teen mom has never been easy,". Girl, like you would know.

"I'm still legally married to Courtland. And we have stay separated for a year before I can file for divorce in North Carolina. But I want to start a family with my new boyfriend Nathan, right away. And now we're pregnant." Well. That escalated quickly. I see nothing that can go wrong here, how about you guys?

Scene in which Jenelle and her frienemy Amber (didn't they get in a fist fight over a sweatshirt once?) are talking: Oh my God, did she not look JUST like BAAAAAAAARBRA here? Just like her! Freaky!

"My mom likes Nathan a lot. She thinks he's going to be a great father, she just thinks he's a little bit controlling." Again. Nothing worrisome here, right?

..."And because he has his third DUI..." Bingo! Solid work, Jenelle. Perfect.

"Public Disturbance of Peace" Complete with air-quotes. I'm going to start working this into every possible conversation as frequently as I can. Just so you all know.

"So now both of us are facing jail time, technically". Seems legit.

What kind of place did they go to get that sonogram? It did not seem like a doctor's office. Also, why was Nathan wearing a Cosby-sweater and a tie for this appointment? Did they have a hot date at the Olive Garden afterward?

When Barbara appeared on screen? ANGELS SANG. I've missed her and YA BOOOOOOOOOYFRIEND.

"Kaiser! That's like a beer. Isn't that a beer?" Barbara. Never change. Evah.

"Like, I can't not be away from another one of my childs." No, seriously. Nathan said this. I'm fairly certain English is his first language. I turned on closed captioning and everything because I could not believe what I was hearing. Grammar=On point.

I love when people just casually discuss jail. Is this real life?

Nathan's attorney quickly proved to be one of my favorite people in the whole episode. I love when people call a spade a spade (or in Nathan's case, when people call a complete a&*hole a complete a&*hole).


Isaac is about the cutest kid I've ever seen in my whole life. My LAWD. He is just sweetness.

Anyway. Kailyn busting Javi's nuts about him not encouraging Isaac to go to visit Joe? Don't even start with that mess girl. You all know that if poor Javi had said two words about it, girlfriend would have jumped all over him. She needs to STAAAAAAAAAAPH. All children that age (4) don't want to do something sometimes and get whiny about it. He could have just as easily been saying, "I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaant to go to McDonalds!" or something similar. Not to mention, the kid has had cameras in his face since he was in his mom's womb, his mom just had a baby, and I imagine having to commute that much would be pretty darn stressful even if you aren't even in school yet. Let's cut the kid a break, please.

"Stop yelling at Lincoln's daddy"! Out of the mouth of babes. Heed this, please.


Blah, blah, blah cut to the end credits. Sad music plays. See ya next week!