I'm mostly off social media these days. It's nice.
My brother Chris really enjoyed arguing with people online. Although he and I had many things in common, this was not a trait we shared. I don't like arguing with anyone, ever. I especially don't enjoy arguing with people who are pathologically incapable of hearing the truth. There are a lot of those people.
Alas, my brother enjoyed arguing. Reveled in it.
I miss my brother, so I've spent a lot of time the last few years finding him online. Wherever he left little pockets of humor or rage, I would seek them out. I'm sure I've not found everything, but I have found a lot. One of the places I found him was on the utter cesspool that used to be called Twitter and is now called X. I have an account there which I intend to delete. He had an account there. We did not follow each other and I honestly did not know his account existed until after he died. I never post there. I never even go there, it's so awful.
But I've been there lately. Trying to archive and preserve the things he said.
A lot of it is hilarious. A lot of it is really, really sad. He was so broken about a lot of the things happening around him. Like me, he was baffled by a lot of it- how things could be so different than everything we held true. Some of it is very hard to read. Some of it makes me laugh until I cry. All of it makes me miss him.
A lot of the "people" he argued with were probably bots. Many, however, were men who wrote in all capital letters in their bios that they were things like FATHERS, PATRIOTS, and CHRISTIAN MEN. It was especially amusing to see the Christian men all call my brother a bunch of swear words and things like "faggot" (especially when he, remarkably, didn't use any swear words at them). I'm sure Jesus thinks that's cool. Calling people untrue slurs and swearing at them is surely somewhere in the Bible that most of them have never read.
There was a theme that emerged pretty quickly to me and it was that these men, unquestionably, without ANY hesitation or doubt, WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR THEIR FAMILIES. Emphasis theirs.
Which, okay. On it's face that sounds fine. Even logical. As someone who wanted to run over a bunch of middle school delinquents who were mercilessly picking on my then eight-year old son, I get that. You want to defend the people you love.
But this, dear readers? This is a very, very specific death. One that requires them having a literal shootout with someone who is in the process of raping/kidnapping/murdering/sex trafficking their wife, children, and possibly the family dog.
Which...also, okay. I don't want anyone I love to be raped/kidnapped/murdered/or sex trafficked. That all sounds real bad.
I like to deal in reality though, and the really, really real reality is: the chance of being kidnapped by someone other than a non-custodial parent (which is a whole other problem) in the United States is super low. Approaching a 1 in a million chance.
1 is too many. I am not disagreeing with that. But declaring that you are WILLING TO DIE TO DEFEND YOUR CHILD FROM BEING KIDNAPPED when you, my brother in Christ, will not even fake a smile in the pumpkin patch photo that your wife had to beg you to be in? You are really saying you are willing to die for this family that you can't even pretend to enjoy spending time with?
Okay, so maybe kidnapping is a bad example. 1 in a million and all. So let's talk about rape. Rape is really, really horrible. I don't want anyone of any age ever to experience rape. Even one rape is far too many.
The statistics on rape are worse than kidnapping, unfortunately. One in 9 girls and one in 20 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual assault.
And...93% of children who are raped know their perpetrator. 59% are acquaintances (a lot are clergy and teachers although a lot of you aren't ready for that conversation) and a STAGGERING 34% are family members- 88% male.
Again, this is not a problem that seems to be solvable with gun violence or anyone having a shootout to the death. This is more of a, "hey, Bill thinks it's really funny to say you should grab women by the pussy and hits on women who are young enough to be his daughter, so let's not be friends with Bill because BILL SUCKS ASS and is not a safe person."
I continue to be baffled as to why this is controversial. A lot of people think it's weak or sad or whatever to avoid being friends with people who have "differing opinions" but if someone's "differing opinions" are that women have less value or "deserve what they get" or that it's "okay" to assault a child because the devil made you do it and then you asked for forgiveness later or something then let me assure you it's totally fine and okay and acceptable to tell that person to kick rocks in to Hell and never speak to them again. In fact, I beg of you to do this. Remember, you are TOTALLY WILLING TO DIE to defend these children, right? So how about, I don't know, just not bringing around people who don't respect women when you have a wife and daughters? How about cutting off family members and not letting your precious child around them? How about being present and safe and real in their lives and not acting like any time you spend with them is the biggest slog ever? That seems much more effective.
I know what some of you are thinking. Sex trafficking! I'LL DIE DEFENDING MY CHILD AGAINST A SEX TRAFFICKER. No one is going to snatch my child out of the cart at the Target or there will be HELL TO PAY.
I mean, that's really, really good news as far as I'm concerned and I fully support you on that. Sex traffickers suck and should all be in prison. Period, full stop. Hell, if I saw YOUR kid and somebody was trying to snatch them, the person trying to take them would have to go through me too, and I'm really strong. I can deadlift a lot, so it would super tough for the trafficker. I don't even know your kid and I would do that.
MORE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU: The most likely victims of sex trafficking? Are kids who run away. And since you're willing to LITERALLY DIE for your kids, then there is a really good chance you are going to do everything you can to make their life one they don't want to run away from, right? Like, you'll listen and help them with homework. You'll make pancakes on Saturday mornings and you'll go to soccer games. If they tell you they are gay you won't tell them they are going to Hell. If they come out as trans you'll love them just the same. If they get in a relationship with someone older who is abusive you'll help them get out and tell them they don't deserve that. You'll be at their graduation, you'll encourage them to go to college, you'll be involved and loving and do ALL THE THINGS. Because you're LITERALLY WILLING TO TAKE UP ARMS FOR THEM so why wouldn't you do all these (arguably much easier and more fun) things?
These examples are all pretty dramatic, aren't they? Let's take it a step back.
So you
know how many kids get sick and die every year from not washing their
hands well? SO MANY. AN INSANELY HIGH NUMBER. Are you willing to help your kids stand at the sink
a billion times a day and sing the Happy Birthday Song while they
scrub-a-dub-dub?
That doesn't sound fun, right? I get it. It's totally not. It's not fun at all. It's not exciting. It's super boring and literally no one enjoys doing it.
It's real though. Things like that are real and they really happen and they are a pretty big threat to little kids.
Are you only willing to arm yourself to the teeth
for some fictional scenario that has a SUPER low chance of ever
happening?
No, but I know what you said. You're WILLING TO DIE FOR YOUR FAMILY. COME AND TAKE IT AND ALL THAT WHATEVER.
Unless...and I'm just spitballing here, you AREN'T really willing to die for these kids? Or your wife? This family that you're beating your chest about on social media?
Because are you living for them?
Honest question.
Are you showing up for them on a daily basis? Are you expecting your wife to do everything while you sit in the recliner after work because you're tired, even though she's tired too? Do you know how to make a doctor's appointment? Do you know your child's teachers name and how to contact them? What about the medicine they take and what it's for? Are you defending your children in those ways?
In the United States, guns are the leading cause of death among children age 1-18. Are you willing to keep your guns secured? Are you willing to teach your children proper gun safety? Super importantly, if your child shows signs of mental illness and asks you for help (or doesn't ask for help- you have to accept the signs that your child needs help), are you willing to get them the help they need? Even if it's embarrassing for you? Even if your church tells you to just pray it away?
Are you voting for candidates that care about your children's education? The rights of your daughters? The environment? All the things that need to be sustained long after you are dead and gone and can no longer defend anyone against anything?
All of these things matter. All of these things are defending your family.
I suppose I can understand why some people would think dying in a
blaze of gunfire defending your family is the perfect way to die. I
mean, I don't want that for myself, but I can see the value in things
I don't want for myself. You'd be a hero, clearly.
But I promise you, in your children's eyes, you can be a hero without all of this.
Imagine how beautiful it could be if you died peacefully at a very old age. Your children around you saying things about how you kept them safe and taught them independence. Sharing family photos of you smiling, laughing, and being a present, loving parent. Talking about your silly dad jokes and how you told them when they got married that if things ever got bad they could always come home. How dad loved you through all your trials and struggles, your crazy haircuts, the time you crashed the car, or when you called him when you were in trouble.
Men like this are heroes. Their children will remember them as heroes.
For those men online who tried (unsuccessfully) to bully my brother? I hope they heal. I mean that. I honestly hope they are able to find healing in this world. If not for them, but for their wives and children.
But honestly? For them too. I really want that for them.
I'm sorry that the world made any of us feel like it's not okay to just love and be loved. That somehow they got the idea that being a man means violence. That maybe they don't understand, and maybe no one ever told them, that real men listen and care. I don't know how hard it is to be a man, but I do know how hard it is to be a human being. I'm sorry for everyone who has ever been made to feel less than because they didn't fit into some arbitrary mold that someone else decided on a long time ago.
The good news is, we can all do better. We all can.
Every day I think about my brother and how his life could have been different. Every day I appreciate him for the lessons he taught me and the things he (still, even now) makes me think about every day.
I hope he's proud of me, even if I was never good at arguing with people online.
