Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Give me your hand, darlin'

I have known my husband for seventeen years, three months, and eight days. Not that I'm counting.

He has a terrible memory. He always has. Lately it's worse. I try not to think about that very much. I have a tremendous amount of patience, which has been a gift. I got two babies at once and then I got a husband who can't remember things. I got an extra helping of grace. I am thankful for that.

Because we've known each other for like ever and because he has a terrible, awful, no-good memory, I tend to repeat myself a lot. Also, to be fair, I repeat myself a lot because I'm just really not that interesting and barely anything new and exciting happens in my life. I'm boring. I'm actually pretty fine with being boring, but it makes me not so fun at parties or in basically any social situation ever.

Tonight Jason asked me if I would join him in the car for coffee.

I know this sounds funny, and I guess it is, but it's also very sweet. We sit in the car, talk, and drink coffee. It's like a date without having to leave. Our house is nice, we like to stay here.

I climbed into the car with him and he said, "I have a song for you! Close your eyes!" Because I would have seen the screen on the radio, of course, and it displays the song. It was a surprise, so I closed my eyes.

This is the song he played.

This song came out when I was in junior high. I was basically the Tina Belcher of Sullivan Middle School. No game. Whatsoever. Boys didn't think I was cute. I wasn't cute. Or charming.

I dreamed of the day that a boy would love me enough to feel this way about me. I told Jason that story a long time ago. Probably more than once, to be fair, but still. A long time ago.

The things he remembers are sometimes surprising.

I also told him a very long time ago that I didn't really believe in soulmates. That I thought there were probably a lot of different people that any individual could end up with and they'd be able to have a very happy life. That maybe, only maybe, soulmates might be your best friend or your dog, but probably never somebody you were married to.

Now though...huh.

I don't know, man.

All I know is that I'm so, so happy that he's the one I ended up with.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


You said to me this weekend, "It really isn't a big deal, going from 18 to 19. Maybe it will be when I go from 20 to 21?"

Probably not, though. 

The day to day is what we get mired in. This is where we are and where we live. We look back one day and everything is absolutely different, but for the life of us we can't figure out how.

This is how it goes. I could swear you were just born yesterday, not 19 years ago today.

But yet, here we are.


I mean, you just graduated like five minutes ago. Or maybe it was nine months.

Either way, things change right? And here we are at 19.

For you, this has been a year filled with new experiences. More freedom. New friends. Learning new ideas, taking it all in.

It's been a different kind of year for me too, in a lot of unexpected ways. None of those are very important today.

Today I want you to know that I love you both and I'm proud of the people you are and the people that you are becoming. Even if that becoming adds a lot of gray to my hair.

Happy Birthday and so, so much of my love. You've come a long way, babies.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

What we don't know.

A few years ago I was watching the Dr. Phil program and one of the guests of that day was a lady who said she's lost a huge amount of weight (like 165 pounds) and she was so horrified by her sagging skin that she wished she could gain the weight back.

I remember thinking, "That is so dumb. Girl, why are you so dumb?" I also remember wishing fervently that I had that particular problem.

So, hi. My name is Stephanie and I'm a big hypocrite.

Just to get this out of the way:

1) No, I'm not sure why there is a tube of gel on my bathroom floor.
2) Yes, I picked it up and now wish I had picked it up before the picture was taken.
3) I am completely aware my outfit does not match and I do not care.
4) I like my tile too. It came with the house and it's as old as the house. 
5) Yes, that's Jason's beard brush on the counter.
6) I do charge my iPhone in my bathroom. I'm 41, I do what I want.
7) I don't have a huge tumor under my arm, that's just the reflection from the medicine cabinet. Don't WebMd me, bro.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, can we talk about what losing more than 200 pounds does to your body? Can we talk about how I'd actually be able to wear a size smaller pants if I could get some of this skin off? Can we talk about how when I wave to someone it just keeps going on forever? Can we talk about the fact that when you lose weight your boobs are the first to go? 

Most of all, can I please just admit now and forevermore that I really didn't think about this a few years ago?

Would I change anything? No. I still think that lady is silly for saying she wishes she could just gain it back (and also, hello? How is not SUPER EASY for her to gain it back if that's what she wants? All I'd have to do is look at some cake and BAM. Twelve pounds).

I should just write a book about all the crap I don't know or all the crap I thought I had figured out. I think it would take me about 12 lifetimes.

(Yes, I'm also aware there is no point to this post. There doesn't always have to be a point.)

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

This should not be news to me.

I literally cannot write anything without someone criticizing it.

I write a sad post. I get messages about how I should "cheer up" and "things aren't that bad" and "smile because Jesus loves you".

I write a throw-away happy post about things I like. I get comments about how I didn't mention my children because I clearly don't care about them anymore and and how I used to be a better blogger. Okay. (Please tell that to Harris Teeter, the local community college, and the insurance agency I give my life-blood monthly so two teenagers can legally drive.)

Post about my weight. I get messages either saying I'm a traitor who hates fat people, I'm still fat, or I deserve to gain all the weight back because I don't appreciate it. Take your pick, they're all super fun (and super, super irritating).

I post anything remotely political and I'm told I'm a special snowflake who needs to grow up and FACE THE FACTS (emphasis theirs, not mine) and accept whatever the Hell is going on in this country, no matter how good or bad it is because that's just the way it is.

Post anything, ever, about my job and I'm told I should be thankful I even have a job and lots of people don't have jobs and I'm so lucky to get to work from home and by the way, do I know of any work-from home jobs because they'd really like to get in on that.

I say I've been to a restaurant. Any restaurant. Someone has to tell me how they don't like that restaurant and they can cook something better themselves at home and going to that restaurant is a waste of money.

So here's the thing.

I know Jesus loves me. I love him too. I'm not sad all the time, but sometimes I am and I should be able to say I am. I honestly don't post 90% of the things that go on in my life because, well, no one wants to hear it and also...lots of things really don't need to be shared.

Sometimes I want to post stupid little happy posts about products I like. I'm not trying to sell you any products, nor do I get any commission from these products (I would disclose it if I did, but I very, very rarely do posts like this like seriously almost never). Just because I like pretty capri pants and cheese and sometimes I want to post about those things does not mean I don't love my children or my husband or my dog or my Jesus.

My weight is an issue. I get this. I have a lot of feels about my weight and I have almost zero people in my actual life that 1) can relate and 2) give a damn. No one will ever be as concerned about my body as I am, and that's...actually okay. That's the way it's supposed to be. Sometimes these things just overwhelm me and come out of my brain and into my blog or my Facebook. Please feel free not to read it if you are not a person who is interested in my busted brain and how it relates to my body. I'm not offended if you just ignore it. I'm not trying to sell you anything about weight loss. I'm not interested in my weight loss being a money making plan. I'm not jealous of other people who do sell things related to weight loss (I think it's stupid most of the time, frankly, but snarking is not jealousy. It's just not).

Further, if you have different thoughts and feelings about your weight, your body, your exercise, etc. please feel free not to share that with me. I'm not saying that to be a dick, but here's the thing. You aren't going to change my mind. I'm not going to change your mind. I'm okay with that and I hope you will be to.

I feel the same way about politics and religion. I know what I know and I believe what I believe and that's enough.

I have two jobs and a business, so I work a lot. No one does that unless they want to (or have to, I guess). Working is what I do. Sometimes it sucks. That's okay. Your job sucks sometimes too and you probably complain to someone about it.

And seriously? If you don't like a restaurant don't eat there. There is really no need to tell me how much you hate it. If you like math or sandwich meat or soccer or whatever I don't follow you around telling you how much all those things suck (I don't actually hate soccer. So there!).

Life is hard. I don't talk about all the ways that it's hard. There are many, many things that I don't say because it's just not productive. Or because no one cares. Or because there is nothing you can do even if you did read it. Or because I'm ashamed. Or because it hurts to much. Or a million other reasons. You don't know everything about me. I don't know everything about you (except that one girl who just had weight loss surgery and posts CONSTANTLY about how constipated she is. Honey, I know enough about you, okay?).

It's okay if you don't like me. It really is. You can just unfollow me and not tell me all about it, deal?


Thursday, February 23, 2017

Ten things I love today.

1) I have so many friends who are sane, normal women. I know this doesn't sound particularly amazing, but I promise you it is.

2) These capri pants:

Look at the cutouts on the legs! I desperately want to wear them in the sunshine and get a weird tan, just cause.

3) Starbucks. Oh, my love.

Iced coffee, no classic (you must say this or they'll give you the sugary syrup in it). Black and dark as my soul and it's divine.

4) All the Moon Cheese. Every bit of it.

5) Gain in-wash scent booster. It makes my clothes smell like rainbows and cupcakes.

7) Dreaming about parasailing in Key West with the love of my life. Only 235 days away!

9) Of course, this guy right here. Forever.

10) All the Lipsense. Who knew I loved make-up?

What do you love today?