Thursday, December 10, 2009

So this is Christmas.

I'm having trouble finding my Christmas cheer y'all.

I'm not sure why, exactly. At least part of it (probably a large part) is due to our accident. It happened on the way to my Christmas party. The Christmas party I was really looking forward to. The one I dressed up for. The one that I missed.

(And yes, I do get that I'm lucky I didn't get killed. It still sucks balls.)

Another part of it is that this year really didn't meet my expectations. I've learned my lesson, I suppose. When my expectations are really low, as they been the vast majority of my life, I don't get nearly as disappointed. I'm keeping that in mind for next year, but it doesn't help me much right now.

My husband has been spending time doing things like volunteering at the homeless shelter. This seems to work for him. He seems to get it. To be greatful. To understand. When I go I just feel sadness. I feel pain. The little children who need a place to live rip me to shreds. I don't have a big home, but I have a home. I could give them a home. I could give them popcorn and hugs and the shampoo that smells like berries. I could make sure they had warm gloves and cold milk. Instead I go home and cry for them. For everything they need and for how very little I can do to help.

The tree is up, but remains mostly unlit. I addressed cards for two days and still have a bunch to do. I've watched Christmas movies, baked treats, and wrapped gifts. I read my Bible. I read some inspirational stories. I tried writing. I talked to my dad.

Still. Nothing.

Maybe I'm just turning into the Grinch.

9 comments:

Jamie said...

Maybe a little soul searching is in order? I know the spirit is in there...there is no way a woman as wonderful as you is turning into the Grinch. I am not brown nosing here. Just in case no one has told you lately, you my dear, are a wonderful mother, wife, and person in general. I am sorry this year has hurt so much. Take it from an old woman like me, even the bad years can teach us something productive, if we let them. I know you do not want to hear how blessed you are, so I will not get up on that box---but keep it in mind, okay? You will find your joy. Look inside. It's hiding there, just waiting for you to claim it. Hugs, honey. Big hugs.

AndreAnna said...

First of all, I just went back and read about your accident. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and I'm glad you're all okay.

Second of all, I know how you feel about the shelters and not being able to handle it emotionally. I have the same experience when visiting my grandmother in the nursing home. We take the babies and the dog to go visit other people. It just makes me so sad when they cry with joy because someone visited them, even though I'm doing something good.

It can haunt me for days.

Priscilla said...

The Christmas season is so stinkin long! And then, it's not long enough to get all the things done that we want to get done.

I figure if I have 1 or 2 days of Christmas spirit, I'm good.

And the hot buttered rum helps a little too!

Anonymous said...

Once I had a Christmas that was rough after my Dad died in July. A few short months later, nothing could make me feel it... so I just vowed to do everything in my power to help my family, friends and other ppl have the best Christmas possible. I gave up all hope for myself. Through doing and giving for others I made it through. I made a difference. I didn't have a *good* Christmas myself, but I did find a peace from my actions for other ppl. Maybe that's kinda what your dh is about. Nothing one does will ever fix the world's problems, but making *some* difference does count.

You're a wonderful feeling person who's had a rough patch. {{{hugs}}} It will get better. I may not have your answers, but I know you'll find your own way through.

~ PattiLynn

Lil Mouse said...

I've gone this week and donated quite a few hours wrapping presents for the angel tree program. Keeps me from the doldrums. I may not get sh*t accomplished at home, but I wouldn't have anyway because of the rugrat being a 'you can't walk away from me, NOOOOOOOOO' little person right now, so.. I figure I might as well do some good.

Rebekah said...

I think we all go through this at some point in our Christmas "journey."

SJ said...

I'm having a hard time finding Christmas cheer this year too. Not sure why I just am.

Here's to hoping you find it. Here's to hoping that it turns out to be everything you'd hope it to be.

CPA Mom said...

I just worked all day Saturday at the annual Lions Club party we put on for the blind and poor. The little ones were so excited to see Santa, eat a good meal and get a toy. The parents were so grateful for the meal and gift cards. Afterwards my boss and I brought all the food leftover (pounds and pounds of turkey and all the trimmings) to two homeless shelters along with gift cards.

It's no where near enough to touch the need out there.

Which kills me. I get it. I do.

Christina said...

I am so sorry that your Christmas cheer has gone walkabout. Please do not despair or feel guilty about the good turn your life has taken. It is your reward for surviving and living. You have earned it.

On a happier note I got your Christmas card in the mail yesterday. The family looks wonderful and the card is lovely.

Thank you!