Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Open Letters: Holy crap, how can it be July already?!?! edition

Dear neighbors,

Since you have been setting off fireworks between the hours of 4pm and 2am every day for the last six days, I am compelled to believe that you are not actually patriotic but instead jackass redneck fools.

Please stop doing that. Or at least clean out your gutters before you do that, because as much as I want you to move I don't want it to be because your house caught on fire.


PS: Potato guns are not constitutional, I think. So stop with that too, okay?

PSS: Okay, I'm lying about them not being constitutional. But they are loud and I don't like it when you shoot them near things like "my windows" and "the stupid rental car I have to drive because mine is being fixed". So don't do that either.

PSSS: Also, I like your dog very much but I dislike that you don't have her on a leash and she is VERY INTENT on smelling the butt of my dog who is on a leash and also thinks she is a person and therefore gets very alarmed when animals attempt to smell of her butt. So please do what you can to make that not happen anymore. Thanks.

Dear stupid rental car I have to drive because mine is being fixed,

Okay, seriously, why is it so hard for us to get along? You're a Toyota Corolla, the most nondescript of all the mid size cars. You are white, clean on the inside (save the disgusting amount of crap jammed up under the emergency brake) and have a mere 35000 miles. It seems like you and I should do just fine until my beloved Santa Fe is once again hail-damage free and back in my arms. Or driveway. Or whatever.

But alas. Someone forgot to equip you with power steering so making a slight right turn has now become an activity which requires near Herculean strength. Someone forgot to check your brakes too and I nearly have to put my size 11's (shut up) through the floor to make you do things like, you know, stop. Someone didn't get a new tag for you and I'm driving around with an expired Florida plate on the back of this car that won't steer correctly or stop. And that makes me nervous. And when I get nervous I talk too much. And God knows I talk enough when I'm not nervous so you know what that means? Even my dog is tired of me. And she, under general circumstances, could listen to my petty nonsense all day long.

So let's break up soon. Deal?


Dear person I used to like and now have mixed feelings about,

So, as my greeting implies, I used to think you were the woot shizzle and I now think you are considerably less.

Okay, I probably never really thought you were the woot shizzle. Mostly, I thought of you like sadness pizza. It's like, it's pizza and it has cheese on it and it makes you not hungry when you eat it for lunch. But it's from Lean Cuisine. So it's not really good pizza or anything. And it leaves you feeling vaguely angry and unsatisfied like all fake cheese does. But still. It's adequate. Which I suppose is how I used to feel about you. You weren't like my bff or anything, but you were nicer to me than the other people who lived in your home and, because it doesn't take much with me, that was enough.

Where was I going with this again? Oh right. You disappoint.

Because really? When you make excuses for the stupid crap you do? It just makes you look like a big jackwagon.

Listen, I'm not totally against your decisions. Really. I mean, frankly? How you've managed to not run screaming many years ago is beyond me. But blaming it on everyone and everything else? What the red fudge?

Dude. Man up. Own it. You know you want to be sadness pizza in my eyes once again. And really. Who could blame you?

The end,

Dear Self,

For the love of cornnuts and hair in a can could you PLEASE stop getting fantastic ideas for new books at 1am? Do you know how bad I look with three hours of sleep? VERY, VERY BAD.



Anonymous said...

I love you. and i wish you blogged more, because you blogging makes me so happy.

You are still, btw, my hero.

Devon said...

you crack me up!

EE said...

"For the love of cornnuts and hair in a can"... I am going to try to work that into a conversation today. Love it!!!

Jenski said...

Your open letters always make me laugh. I hope I am laughing with you. :-)