Sunday, November 6, 2011

Hey Jealousy

Jealousy is absolutely the most annoying, negative, obnoxious crap ever. Seriously.

I know because I have so. much. of. it. lately.

I'm unhappy. I'm restless. I can't make decisions. It all seems so easy for other people, and yet it's not for me. I can't understand why.

I've been on Weight Watchers forever. I'm still fat. I've been off birth control forever. I'm still not pregnant. I'm nice to people. They are still assholes to me. I wrote a book. I'm still not a real writer.

I'm paralyzed with fear about what's going to happen next...so much so that I am completely incapable of making any kind of meaningful decision. When Jason asked me what I wanted to eat the other night I seriously burst into tears, because I just couldn't. I couldn't make another decision. I couldn't be responsible for one more thing, even if that one thing was chicken or beef.

I know that sounds ridiculous. But that's what it is. I'm thirty-six years old and I cannot freaking get my life together.

I can't write anymore. Everything I write sucks. I have sat for hours staring at a blank screen. I can write words, but they aren't good words. They don't matter. They don't mean anything at all.

My mother-in-law recently made a comment about my husband's sister only giving her husband one biological child and it cut like a knife. A sharp, stabby painful knife. I couldn't even do that. What have I given my husband? Two miscarriages and so many tears they would fill up the Pacific Ocean. I failed, again. Not good enough, again. For the billionth time.

I find myself jealous of people I love, people I really care about. People that, if I'm actually being honest, I wouldn't really want to trade lives with. Life isn't perfect for anyone, even if they are pregnant or have a great job, or wrote a book that people actually still buy two years after it came out, and I know that.


I just wish I didn't want so many impossible things.


So many things feel so impossible.

16 comments:

Sharon said...

I know it hurts. I'm in the same position. But try to remember that Boy Child and Girl Child are Jason's too, and I bet he loves them just like his own. That's not a failure, girlfriend. That's a family.

Crystal said...

Thank you so much for writing this blog post... I have been struggling with this same thing this week...

queenrandom said...

I so hear you. <3

Bethany said...

I am so hugging you in my mind right now.

CPA Mom said...

I know. I care. I've been there. Here is my shoulder. Cry it out. Love to you across the miles.

Jill said...

I never thought about those 'not good enough' feelings being jealousy, but you're absolutely right. I feel that way SO many times, and I get to the point where I just can't do it anymore. One more decision, one more problem, one more issue, it just drives me insane.

Jenski said...

Ditto on the feeling like I'm failing at life thing. Sometimes I try to remind myself that the grass is always greener on the other side, and that surely there are people out there who want to be me. Of course, then I wonder what the hell they are thinking, but surely they are out there.

Anonymous said...

Listen here Chicka, I don't have enough time in my chaotic life to list all the great things about yours. You've given your husband a loving, stable home. You've also provided him the honor and the priviledge to parent two of the most wonderful human beings on the entire planet. Most people would give their eye teeth for that. Life is just hard. for. everyone. The people you're jealous of may be at home now sobbing over what's wrong in their lives. We've just got to prop each other up with word and deed and keep up the good fight. Because even though life is hard... it's a gift. Granted, it's presented better some days than others, but what a precious gift.

And, I'll end by saying that you've made a wonderful difference in my life and you've touched me to the core of my being. You're that good a friend. :)

Little Red Hen said...

Oh dear friend, I wish I could hug you right now! I hope you realize just how wonderful you are, and how much you are loved! Jason loves you dearly, and your love sustains him...deep inside, I'm sure you know that.
Jealousy is a horrid tool of the enemy. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this now.
I can't wait to see you again, and I hope you know how much I love you friend!

Amanda Daybyday said...

I don't know much, but I do understand being so overwhelmed that I cry over what to make for supper. I get that and it doesn't sound ridiculous. At all.

Toritopia said...

You are not a failure. Remember, you gave your husband a family. Not just a wife, but a family. He got three times the love, three times the joy when he married the three of you. He is lucky to have such a great family, even if there is no DNA involved. DNA does not make a family, people make a family. And you are good people.

Crystal said...

I don't know if you read all the comments posted up but I just wanted to say I'm sorry - I'm sorry things are so overwhelming for you right now and that jealousy is rearing its ugly head all too often. I usually lurk here but today your words spoke to me and I felt the need to respond. I wish for you and yours better days, days when things aren't so overwhelming, when people aren't assholes, and when jealousy goes and dies an ugly death :)

saadiaorganics said...

I love you, friend. You couldn't be anything other than MARVELOUS in my eyes. xoxox, j~

Bexterrific said...

YOU KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF RIGHT NOW, YA HEAR? You're my soul mate/twin - and that means if you suck, I suck. And I know I certainly don't suck. ;)

Seriously - you're great and wonderful and amazing and my hero. Your life is messy right now, but won't be for long. Just keep on keeping on. And call me anytime; I'm always here for you. I LOVE YOU SO BAD!

Karen said...

Envy and jealousy can just suck it! I know it can be overwhelming sometimes. And as many people that are out there who have things better than you do, there are tons more who have it wayyy worse than you. So yes it sucks right now but it could be worse and be glad it isn't. I follow a blog where a woman is trying to work and raise six kids on her own because her sucky ex-husband couldn't be bothered. In order to get said job, she had to move several states away from supportive friends and family, and two of those six kids have mental health issues due to the abandonment by their dad.....and she writes, too. I don't know how she does it and feeds her family. She misses tons of work due to her children's illnesses (you can imagine with six). I know that what your going through just sucks, but if you count your blessings you will find they far outweigh the suckiness.

Also, this, too, shall pass. I promise.

M said...

I love you. And the fact that you know better but still let yourself feel those things? Makes you amazing. So just keep swimming. Allow yourself to feel every emotion you're feeling. It is what makes you, yes, you.

I have no beautiful wonderful words for you aside from you already know that you're okay and your thoughts are real and true and accurate and acceptable.