Monday, February 13, 2012

All my games are real.

Even though I often don't act like it, I honestly think all the time. Nearly every single second I'm awake the wheels are turning, turning, turning as I plot my next move. Part of the reason it's very hard for me to sleep is that I have a hard time turning my mind off at the end of the day (the other part of the reason is that I'm just a gigantic wad of stress these days but that's not important right now. I promise).

Despite the fact that I'm sort of sad that my entire life seems to be some elaborate chess game during which I have to be on my guard continually, I don't really mind the fact that my mind will never shut the hell up. I actually didn't realize that everyone didn't have the same problem until about thirteen years ago when I starting dating this guy who could seriously go several weeks without nary a thought entering his brain. He was perfectly content to do his mindless job and come home and sit on the couch and watch sitcoms. And for realsies that's no dig against either as often wished I didn't have to think so much at work and I've made very clear that I puffy pink heart television. With glitter. It's just that I watch television in a totally different way. I analyze what I'm seeing and often (my friend Allison will attest) call others and discuss my thoughts and feelings on the programs I have watched. At length. Because the whole time I'm watching? I'm thinking. For example, when I watch Teen Mom 2 I keep thinking, "Holy Mother of Cats! How did they all get the same hair color? Why does that one keep switching wigs? Why on Earth would you marry someone who needs closed-captioning? Good Lord, she needs therapy!" and so on. No one can ever tell me television isn't educational. I won't believe one word of that.

Lately it's been getting harder and harder. Because I do think so much. Because I do analyze so much. And mostly? Because so many people suck so. very. hard.

I'm not talking about the rapists and the child molesters and anyone appearing on Jersey Shore. I think it's kind of obvious that those people suck. Their suckiness is very obvious, blatant, in-your-face suckiness.

Other people? It's not always as obvious.

There's a certain amount of navel-gazing that comes with being a writer who writes about their own life. I get that. I know that I over analyze everything. I get that I talk too much or not enough, depending on the situation. I completely understand, completely, when people meet me and without even getting to know me say, "Yeah. I'll pass."

But you know what else I understand?

That no matter how hard I try, no matter how good I am, I can't change anyone's mind.

I used to believe I could, really. I've tried this several times with boyfriends and people I wanted to be family and you know? It never worked. I always thought it was some flaw or failing of mine and it just made me try harder. Just made me want it more.

But it's not me.

And honestly, it's probably not them either. Some people just don't mesh. You can't force a square peg into a round hole. Some other generic thing I can't remember right now since it's 1am and I've barely slept for three days.

It doesn't matter.


I vowed a while back not to waste my time or my energy or my heart on anyone who was a dick to me. I'm not going to. I'm not going to waste time with nasty comments. I'm not going to be bothered by people who lie. I'm not even going to shriek things like, "What the hell is a Snookie and how does that bag of hair have a best-selling book?" Not anymore. Not ever again.

I have so many other things to think about.

And not just that Barbara "SEEN YA WITH KEEFA!"

(But I am thinking about that. A little.)


Jill said...

You had me laughing out loud. I do the same thing with TV. I actually enjoyed shows like Frasier, because there would be people in the room that did NOT get the humor, and it cracked me up. Or things like, it's military week on wheel of fortune and they didn't get that puzzle before I did? (because all the puzzles have a military slant on military week, right?) anyway. you crack me up, keep up the good fight, I think I have some worse problems with thinking, and I have to YELL at myself (quietly sometimes) to get my brain to shut off. Sometimes exhaustion is the only thing that does it.

Lauren said...

Wait, please don't tell me that she's back with 'Keefa'. And that Barbara caught them. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THAT ADORABLE JACE.

(*note: I am not only here for the TM2 gossip, I'm actually a regular reader. Hopefully next time I will have a more substantial comment :))

Anonymous said...

I have the same problem with sleeping. I think and think and think and then the worry starts. I take the generic dyphenhydramine (sp?) from Walmart. Which doesn't work nearly as well as even the generic Ambien, but don't have any of that. I have tried something recently that sometimes helps. I silently chant "in/out" as I breathe. Breathe in: "in", Breathe out: "out". I think it's like counting sheep, but it seems to work sometimes.