Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Open letters: UGH-edition!

Dear insurance "professionals",

I do not have a penis, yet I purchased a home.

I know. This is amazing news. News that apparently you have difficulty believing.

My husband, the one who gets several of your spectacular offers via mail daily in his name alone, did not purchase a home. Oh, his name is on the deed, but on the mortgage? Nope. He just changed not only jobs but job fields, and the mortgage industry is a bit picky about that. Didn't even care about his 800+ credit score, not in this market. We don't care because our house is our house, but you? Apparently you care. Because somehow this is 1950 and sweet gals like me couldn't possibly buy a house by themselves. Perish the thought! You remind me of those ladies in my old church who thought it was really "cute" that I had a "little job" to help my husband out.  In case it's not obvious, this is not a good association.

My favorite offer was the one he got yesterday asking him to buy mortgage insurance at a spectacular rate. Funny, since he doesn't have a mortgage and can't even purchase it. Funnier still, I don't buy anything from sexist douchehats.

So. Good luck with all that.


PS: Not really kisses. I hate you.

Dear this guy,

Really. What the actual hell is wrong with you?

Bite me!

Dear customers,

I know you want everything five minutes ago, and believe me I want you to have everything five minutes ago, for no other reason than it would make you shut up and leave me alone. I can't give you everything five minutes ago, though. So please stop calling me and telling me about and/or asking me about everything every ten minutes. I was on the phone almost four hours straight yesterday and am not even embarrassed to say I muted so I could pee. Twice.

Inappropriate? Yes. But no more inappropriate than you calling me hinty billion times to ask me the same things. I pinky-swear I will tell you when things change. That's what I do.


PS: Not really kisses.

Dear Neighbor,

My daughter? She knows who her dad is. It's totally okay to just hand her something and say, "Can you please give this to your dad?" She's familiar. No need to say, "Your dad? Jason? You know? Um...your dad?" She knows. Promise.

Perhaps you are just uncomfortable with children. If that's the case, I'll give you a pass. But honestly, calm down. We're really nice, even if we talk about the Bee Gees, armed robbery, and buttholes a lot. It's not like we're talking about them in the same sentence or anything.

Okay, except that one time. But usually not.

Anyway. Have a nice day!
(Jason's wife. Since apparently no one on my street can remember my name, but everyone in all the land knows Jason)

Dear everyone,

Have you seen this?

Okay, seriously?

First of all, I'm very sorry about the fire. That's awful. I hope everyone is fine.

Also, and more importantly, I totally want to be friends with Sweet Brown. Seriously. I'm fairly certain I could talk to her all day, every day, for the rest of forever and never be tired of her. I'll go get a cold pop with you anytime Sweet. We will bring Jesus with us, since he's an important part of both our lives.

Also, big props to the newscaster who was VERY SUPER SERIOUS the whole time. She deserves a Daytime Emmy. Or whatever they give newscasters, I have no idea.



mumof3boyz said...

Good gracious I love love love your open letters!! They make me smile, chuckle and laugh out loud at yeah, the people in the next office think I am a nut case yet again, but that is ok with me!

And seriously, that Wisconsin guy...really? I'm glad you left it at that. I could go on and on.

mumof3boyz said...

Ok, no idea what happened to my first comment.

I love love love your open letters! They make me smile, gigglie, chuckle and sometimes even laugh out loud. So the people in the next office think I'm a nut, it's ok...umm..I am!

And seriously what is wrong with that Wisconsin guy? I am glad you left it at many things to say, but I'll leave it.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Obviously? That Wisconsin "lawmaker"? Hates strong women. Because that's what he's trying to regulate. Douchecanoe.

And Sweet Brown is fifty kinds of AWESOME!

Galen Pearl said...

I do love your letters--so funny. But I'm sorry about the underlying situations that provoked them. You are very funny. You could go on stage with these letters.

val said...

Your first letter reminded me of a time long ago when I was calling junk yards looking for a used car part.

The guy wouldn't take it off the junker for me unless my HUSBAND called him to verify.

My husband was at work, pre-cell phone days, out in the field, not available by phone during the day.

Jay and I were both so annoyed.

Psssht. love you, Val

Lisa said...

Okay, to be fair, Stephanie, you made Jason famous, that may contribute to his popularity ;)