Okay. Real clothes. Real clothes today.
Working from home has it advantages. One of them is that I am frequently in yoga pants and t-shirts. My "business casual" probably wouldn't fly anywhere except here. Ginger doesn't care.
Alas, sometimes I have to actually leave the house. Today I had to go to the eye doctor. Again. So I had to wear pants. Real pants.
There are probably twelve pairs of jeans in my closet. There are three that I wear with consistency.
This morning as I was getting dressed I spotted a pair I hadn't worn in a while, pulled them off the hanger and onto my booty. They are really light colored denim, almost 80's looking, but not acid-washed. Just light. Very light blue.
And huge. These pants were huge.
My first thought was, "Oh it's fine. It's no big deal. It's just the eye doctor."
I went to the bathroom mirror.
I looked stupid.
I pulled the pants off and they were 2 sizes larger than the smallest pants in my closet.
I started to fold them up and as I reached for the hanger I thought, "No."
I don't have to save these pants.
I don't NEED to save these pants.
I'm never going to fit these pants again.
It's not profound I suppose. It's just...true. I'm never going to fit those pants again.
I will make this true.
So I folded them and lay them on a pile of clothes that Jason had cast-off to donate. They aren't mine anymore.
I pulled my favorite jeans off the hanger. They are three sizes larger than the smallest size in my closet.
But they are my favorite. Every time I wear them my husband comments on how my butt looks. It horrifies the children and I love horrifying the children. I love these pants.
I don't want to give these pants away.
But I do.
So I put them in the pile too. I'll find new favorites.
I ended up pulling down every single pair of jeans in my closet. There are now two. Two pairs. Because the other ten are too big for me. And I have to let go of things that don't fit me anymore.
I'm sure there is some metaphor for life here or something. My daughter texted me from the bus this morning that she was invited to the football game and tailgate and my immediate thought was, "Oh my God, she's so young!" and my second thought was, "She's in high school now. She's supposed to go to the football game. And the tailgate. And with her friends. It's time."
I have to let go of being the mom of little kids and I have to accept that I am the mom of teenagers. I do, mostly, but there are moments that I struggle. Moments that I want to hide them in the house with me, on the couch watching "Adventure Time". I have to let them go...a little at first, so it won't hurt so much when they go forever.
I have to stop trying to drink from wells that are dry. I have to accept what I mean to people and take it for exactly what it's worth, even if it's worth very little. Especially if they are worth very little. I have to give up the notion that I have to be perfect or it doesn't matter at all. I don't even know where I got this notion. Either it's perfect or it's not worth doing. I have to stop feeling vaguely guilty that I'm not competing in a triathlon instead of walking two miles after dinner.
It's so dumb.
I have to ignore the boxes that people try to put me in. The ones that are ridiculous and not even real.
I'm not who you think I am or even who I used to be.
I guess I have to accept that I'm not just the fat girl anymore. That I can't use that as an excuse or hide behind it either. I have to accept that people who only care about that? Are pretty much pathetic losers.
I'm still fat, I guess. Overweight anyway, if you look at the doctor's chart. I went to see my doctor not long ago and she gave me a weight chart with a little smiley face sticker on it. She told me that even though I was overweight, I had lost so much weight since I used to be her patient back in 2004 and since I didn't smoke and since I exercise at least three times a week, she was really proud of me. She doesn't take those smiley face stickers lightly and neither should I. That she was really, really proud.
I have to be proud of me too.
So today I am.
I think these jeans fit me just fine.