Tuesday, October 2, 2012


"I don't do anything anymore," I told Jason this weekend, as we were driving.

He looked surprised and then incredulous.

"You do stuff all the time," he reminded me. "You are one of the busiest people I know."

I guess that's true in a lot of ways. I work, probably too much. I'm a mom and a wife and a dog mom. I cook and bake all manner of delicious things. I joined a local women's organization and spend time volunteering. I walk and walk and walk. Sometimes? I write. I pray, I watch and I listen. I'm "busy". Being busy shouldn't be glorified though, and I'm not trying to do that. I have stuff and I get that I have stuff.

"Nothing I do matters," I told him.

That's the heart of it, I suppose. Of all this "stuff".

"I am beginning to feel like it's too late for me," I said quietly. "That nothing I ever do will matter ever again."

He looked surprised. Then he looked sad.

"I don't want to be famous or anything," I explained. "I never did. I don't even want to be anything at all except Stephanie. I just want to feel like I'm doing something. That something I do matters."

"But!" he said, "you make hinty billion dollars a year! You have such a great house! You have a really nice car!"

I sort of laughed to myself when he said this. He always says this first. I think it is somewhere, somehow painful for him that I make more money than him. I don't care...I've never cared. But he does. It hurts him. I don't know if this is a man thing or a Jason thing. But it is certainly a thing. It is something.

I love my house. I love my car. I am thankful for both of these things...more thankful than I can ever express. My house is the magic house that I dreamed of when I was a girl. The house I rode by in the dark of night, with the lights on in the dining room. I wondered who lived there. I imagined how happy they were.

But my house and my car, as wonderful as they are, are not my something. I know this. I've been happy in smaller spaces, with less floors to shine. I've been happy in a tiny, beat-up Plymouth Horizon.

"Those things are just things," I reminded him. "The money is nice, and I'm thankful for it, but it's just money."

He was quiet for a moment and then said,

"You have a husband that loves the Hell out of you."

Which, I suppose, is my something.

That he is the one person, out of all the people in the world, that loves the Hell out of me.

And if I never write another word, if I lose my house tomorrow, if my car blows up, if I never bake another delicious cookie? That something is enough.

(I'm still going to make cookies though. I freaking love cookies)


M said...

Oh how I love you.

Teach me to make cookies. Then you'll be doing something important (serious. I cannot make cookies *sigh*) and I'll be doing something important (because I'm not)

And Jason rocks too. :)

Jill said...

I feel your pain. Except I make no money and feel poor, even though my husband makes a decent amount. Doctor bills are hurting right now, baby had to have surgery, I could be facing one soon, it just drives me nuts. Our health insurance is not as good as it could be, and it's frustrating. We're getting less care..and it shows.

Karen said...

It's a man thing. Truly.

Is it possible your angst stems from the fact that you feel somehow you don't deserve such awesomeness? That you feel guilty being a "have" when there are so many "have nots"? I struggle with those things, my feelings of insecurity and unworthiness rear their ugly head from time to time. And believe me, you deserve every single thing you have, You have earned it all. Sometimes it is hard to just be happy, isn't it? We women are awfully hard on ourselves.

Steph said...

Karen, I think you are right. I have struggled with that for many years.

Thank you.

CPA Mom said...

I love the hell out of you too. And to be honest? There are times I wouldn't have made it through without you. So that's something. That's everything.

Steph said...

I feel the same way about you friend!

Jenski said...

Like you pointed out, if a house and car and good job were all you had, I might agree with you that you don't do anything. Let's be honest, having to work for a living is lame. ;-)

BUT, then you listed EVERYTHING else you do. And it isn't just managing to feed your kids and walk your dog. And it isn't just taking care of yourself by walking. You also do things in the community. You are busy in wonderful & meaningful ways.