Saturday, November 17, 2012

May you always walk in sunshine...

Since my birthday about a month ago I've become extremely aware of my age. I notice all the gray in my hair, I notice the bags under my eyes, and I especially notice how teenage boys call me ma'am. The polite ones anyway. I have to have things like mammograms and I start yawning around nine every night. I'm not old, but I feel my age. I've never really felt my age until now. 

Mostly it doesn't bother me. As my son would say, "Who cares if you have fifty gray hairs? You have a hundred billion brown ones!" and he's right. I'm healthy and I'm fine and I guess I'm supposed to be getting to the part in my life where I can relax a little bit. Where I have the house I want and do things like rake the yard just because I want it to look nice. Go to the grocery store and not worry about having enough in the bank. Set the dining room table and host Thanksgiving for my family. Because I can. Because I want to.

The only thing really that bothers me about getting older is the part about my children getting older too. Last week Jason mentioned to me his surprise that in North Carolina a fifteen year-old could get a learners permit and my heart fell and dropped and hit me on my feet really hard. My son and daughter will be fifteen in four months. Four. I knew about the learners permit rules, knew they had to be fifteen, but that was someone else's problem. Not mine. My children are babies. Nowhere near being ready to drive.


We had family pictures two weeks ago (note to anyone in my family: if I am wearing a shirt that makes me look like my muffin top is an exploding can of biscuits, please feel free to point this out prior to someone actually photographing me. Thanks). I got the proofs today and oh. I knew my son was nearly as tall as I am. Knew my daughter is inching her way up. But seeing it. Oh seeing it. Seeing the beginnings of his mustache and all her curves. It's undeniable. They are growing up. They are getting older too.

Last night was the Girl's first concert at her new school. At her high school. She warned me several times that we needed to come early, that the auditorium was not the massive ones we've been in before at other schools in other places. The capacity was only 280 and it was first come, first served. I suppose she doesn't realize that unfortunately not a lot of emphasis is placed on the arts in her school, and the auditorium only held a few handfuls of people, even when everyone was there. We came early anyway. 

When it was time for the chorus to enter, she moved in seamlessly with the crowd. Talking to a boy, of course. She's always talking to a boy, always amazed that boys are interested in her and like her and want her as a girlfriend. I believe she's just more comfortable with boys, having been born with her best friend. The boy was smiling at her and she was smiling back, but I could see she was searching with her eyes. Just making sure.

She spotted us, in a row on the left and her face broke into the most incredible smile as she joyously waved and waved. Just like she did when she was five. And seven. And eleven. 

She was so happy we were there. So proud. 

So precious.

When the Girl sings she puts everything she has in to her performance. She's not loud or flashy, understanding that the point of the choir is harmony. She does keep time to the music, though. Sometimes it's her own time. I might have remarked to her brother once, "Oh dear Lord that child has no rhythm". But she got it almost immediately and moved in time with the other singers. She laughed when I told her she had no rhythm. "It's true!" she said and then she laughed again.

As the choir began to sing the last song of the evening the Boy whispered to me, "You're going to cry, aren't you mom?" I told him no, but I will admit I did let one tear slip as they sang.

May your heartaches be forgotten may all tears be spilled
May old acquaintance be remembered when your cup of time is filled
And may you always be a dreamer may your wildest dream come true
May you find someone to love as much as I love you

My beautiful girl. Always a dreamer. So very loved. My heart was so full I felt like it might burst in my chest.

And then? When the show was over, she high-fived the boy standing next to her. I'm not even kidding.

I adore that girl. I love her so.


CPA Mom said...

Whenever I read stories like this, I wish and wish and wish for my two to grow up into as fine a people as yours. You are a great mom. And Boy and Girl Child, are turning into very fine adults.

Meegs said...

Wonderful wonderful. This is beautiful.