Friday, July 12, 2013

Ten

Not very long ago, Jason and I were relaxing alone together in the pool when I said something exactly like,

"Oh my dear God, do you realize we've been married almost TEN years?"

"It's awesome!" he said.

That made me laugh, lots. I find his misplaced enthusiasm to be very endearing most of the time. Sometimes, like this time, it's just really, really funny.

"Awesome?"

"Yes, it's awesome!" he reiterated. "Ten years is awesome!"


Awesome is not the word I would have used to describe our marriage, quite honestly. In fact, if you asked me what one word I would use I would basically sum it up by saying "Challenging".

Our marriage is challenging.

It's taken me nearly all of the last ten years to realize that "challenging" is not a code word for "horrible". Disney stories and the limited romance novels I've read have not prepared me for what happens when two very stubborn strong-headed people fall in love and decide to make a life together.  In case you are wondering? It's not easy. It's never, ever been easy.

I don't think it's supposed to be easy, though.

I think it's supposed to be a learning experience. I think it's supposed to help me grow. I think it's actually pretty cool that I am married to someone who makes me think, who challenges my ideas, and who encourages me to be who I am (without being a dick about any of it).

I know that I belong with him. I know that my love for him is sometimes overwhelming to me. I know that I have loved him for a very long time, and that my feelings for him have become even more than the silly, heart-pounding, sweaty palms kind of love. He's my family. He's part of my people.

Are there things I would change? Absolutely. I've always wanted to be accepted and loved by my husbands family. I'm not, even after ten years. I'm pretty sure they hate me. I wish I could just say that was okay. There are things in the past that I wish I could take back. Things I've said. Things he's said. There are things I've done that I wish I could just erase.  We have struggled. We have butted heads. We had dead babies instead of alive ones, and it sometimes makes my heart absolutely ache inside my chest that I never got to have that moment with my husband, the moment of him seeing his child for the very first time. It still hurts. It still feels like a failure. It's just not easy.

It's not supposed to be easy. Nothing, absolutely nothing in my life has ever come easy. Especially not the things that were really worth it.


This? Has been really worth it.


"Do you remember when I told you about my car hitting that deer?" he asked me, that afternoon in the pool.

"No."

"Come on...you remember, right?"

"Honey, I have a horrible memory. You know that."

"You have a horrible memory? What do you call mine?"

"You have a tragic memory Jason. Just tragic. Oh and hey! I just figured out how to have a successful marriage! Both spouses must have a horrible memory!"



People always ask, "Would you do it all over again?" and to that I say, "Absolutely". So absolutely that today, in a little chapel near Niagara Falls, Jason and I will celebrate ten years of marriage by renewing our vows. Just me and him (oh and probably the coordinator lady, who has the most delightful New York accent and has assured me that she will oblige our request for the Captain and Tennille song, "Love will keep us together". I imagine she has to be there).


Yes indeed, I'd do it all over again. Every day. Every minute. Challenges be damned.

8 comments:

Ms. Marsha said...

Awwww! This is so sweet. Happy 10th.

The advice i always give, after 19 years, is that even with the right person marriage is hard. If it isn't challenging, in my opinion, someone isn't being their true self.

Have an awesome renewal.

Ms. Marsha said...

Awwww! This is so sweet. Happy 10th.

The advice i always give, after 19 years, is that even with the right person marriage is hard. If it isn't challenging, in my opinion, someone isn't being their true self.

Have an awesome renewal.

Life in a Small Town said...

There should be a ban on teenagers reading romance novels! It's not easy, is it?

Jenski said...

Happy, happy, happy anniversary!

Theresa said...

Perfect.

Bexterrific said...

I love this.

Heather {Desperately Seeking} said...

Your quote "challenging does not mean horrible" is something I needed to hear. 2 stubborn people here just celebrating 3 years. And it's challenging. Congrats! 10 years is awesome!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary!!!!!!!!