So I took my first yoga class yesterday.
Okay, it wasn't exactly my first class ever. I have taken yoga classes in the past. As these classes were largely taught by someone who basically hit play on the VCR and fast forwarded through Vanna White's more difficult breathing techniques whilst shoveling in Taco Bell food, I don't really count them. This was my first real yoga class, with a real yoga professional, in a real yoga studio. Okay, so the studio is small and on a busy street and during the class I could periodically hear the "bing bong" of the crosswalk warning. But still. It was legit.
Another thing about it? I'm not good at yoga.
Okay, actually? I fail at yoga. Add this to the list of hinty billion things that I fail at. Hurray.
Among the reasons I fail at yoga:
1) I am not bendy
2) Okay, I'm kind of bendy. But I'm not bendy in the way I'm supposed to be to do yoga
3) My hair is long and keeps getting in my face
4) I didn't paint my toenails and they look ridiculous, so I kept my socks on
5) Socks made me even more clumsy
6) I was already incredibly clumsy before the socks
7) I have no idea what any of the poses are so I keep looking at the instructor
8) I have balance issues
9) I have horrible headaches which make lying flat on a mat an uncomfortable experience
10) My teacher does not appreciate my efforts to alleviate said headaches by propping a blanket under my neck
11) I'm fat
12) Yes, still
13) I mistakenly continue to think exercise will be fun if I just do it every day
The most important and main reason that I absolutely fail at yoga?
I cannot calm the Hell down.
Seriously? This is my brain pretty much every single second of every single day:
This is all the time. I can't turn this off. I can't breathe deeply and make all of this go away. It's an eternal loop. It is endless. This is my brain. Right now as I'm typing this I'm having to force myself to think really hard about what I'm typing, because I'm also thinking about dinner and the emails I haven't responded to and if it will keep raining and the library book I'm reading and the call I have at three o'clock and what I'm going to say. It never stops. (It does explain why I sometimes type things that make no sense though, right? Good)
Understandably, when the teacher says to clear my mind? I kind of want to laugh. Really loudly. Which, in case you didn't know, is also frowned upon in yoga.
I did the things I was told. I turned off my cell phone. I tried, I really, really tried, to clear my mind when she turned off the lights and put a sandbag on my stomach and a cloth over my eyes. I kept thinking about work, though, and emails. And if I missed any calls. And the call I had scheduled for later. And what I was going to say. And how I was going to explain why everything has gone so wrong lately. And how long it would take me to get home. And if my dad was feeling okay. And what time I had to pick up my daughter from play practice. And...well, you get the idea.
Then, after class, I went back outside to my car and I did actually turn on my cell phone and there were dozens and dozens of new messages and so I sat in my car for a few minutes and answered the ones I could. When I pulled out onto the street to drive home I was almost hit by a foolish young lady who was so busy texting that she totally forgot to stop at the Stop Sign. I was really tempted to yell out the window, "NAMASTE, BITCH!" but I really don't think that's the intended purpose of that phrase. I don't know, I'm a newbie. But I'm pretty sure.
My legs are sore today and my heart is sad, because I fail. I used to actually be good at things sometimes. Today I'm not even sure what those things are. But I know I used to be. I know I used to periodically feel good about myself for something, even if I don't know what it is anymore.
I'm going back to yoga tomorrow. I'm not sure why. Maybe just because I keep believing, like Jake on Adventure Time says, "Dude, suckin' at something is the first step to being sorta good at something."
(When advice from cartoon dogs is the most logical thing in your life, you should probably be worried, right? I'm not even sure anymore.)