This morning I woke up and there was an email in my in-box from a co-worker that made me cry. (It wasn't a happy cry, in case that needs to be clarified)
It wasn't even that bad, as far as emails go (no swearing at least!), but it was rude and it hurt my feelings. It made me feel like crap. She had forwarded her message on another email from another co-worker who had basically thrown me under the bus and that hurt doubly, especially as I had always had a good relationship with this other co-worker. I thought.
This made me think of a quote I read recently:
Honestly, most of the time it just feels like a curse. I'm sure there is a blessing in there somewhere, but I don't usually feel that.
Instead, I feel like I'm broken.
I feel like there is something wrong with me. I wonder why small things hurt me so deeply. I hate this about myself, legitimately HATE IT, and yet I can't seem to help the way I feel.
I'll be forty next week. I keep waiting to grow up and be okay with all of this. I keep waiting to not take things like this personally. To have enough self-confidence to not let small things ruin my day.
I can't fix everything. Some days I can't fix anything at all.
Including myself. I'm not going to change.
That's the thing. I'm almost forty. I've been this way my entire life. I am not going to change. If I could, I would. In a heartbeat. I can't. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can happen that will make me not be hurt when things like this occur. There is no magic switch on my back that I can flip and be like, "Oh, whatever." It's not going to happen. Ever. If you are born with this magical gift, I am envious of you. I don't have it and I never will.
I suppose I can focus on dealing with it better, but that's the only thing I can actually do. I can write down positive affirmations until the cows come home. I can tell myself that this is just one person and she does this to everyone and it's not really about me (even though it feels REALLY REALLY ABOUT ME right now). I can remind myself that my self-worth is not determined by something that someone else says. Even if that someone else is a co-worker or my husband or one of my parents or a child. I can say out loud to myself over and over, "Your heart is in the right place" or "You did this out of love" or "You are doing the best you can".
I can do all of these things.
But my heart is never going to change.