Monday, October 19, 2015

Well, I'm forty now.

I've been forty for five days now. Nothing is any different yet.

I'm okay with that. mind you. I really didn't want things to be different. 

Okay, some things maybe. Like, it would have been cool if I woke up on my 40th birthday and suddenly was a size six and could eat all the carbs I want and still stay a size six. I would have liked that particular surprise. 

Other than that? Nah.

It was a quiet day for me. Low-key. My cousin who is actually my sister from another mister surprised me with flowers (which made me cry) and my former Girl Scout leader and current Zumba instructor wrote messages to me on the Facebook that made me tear up (because: EMOTIONS), but other than that? Not much. I worked. We went for Mexican food (mine wasn't great, which made me sad). My son sent me a series of text messages about his homework and didn't remember to wish me a Happy Birthday until several hours later. Typical day.

That was okay. It really was.

I used to fear being forty. Not because I think it's old (because it's not, especially because that's how old I am now) but because my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was forty. Also because I was very overweight and felt out of control with my health. I feared diabetes. I feared having a shortened life-span. I feared not being around for my children. 

I don't have those fears now. It's nice.

I had my mammogram in May and it was all clear. I had my check-up in April and everything was a-okay. I've lost 57 pounds since my 39th birthday. I've added many, many miles to my sneakers and, hopefully? Many, many years to my life.

My life is so far from perfect. There are many, many things that I don't talk about online (or very much at all, to anyone) that hurt me. There are so many things that just don't need to be broadcast. I keep those worries locked up in my heart. They keep me from sleeping sometimes. 

Overall, though? I am happy. 

I have a mostly quiet life, and I am happy.

I wouldn't want it any other way. 

1 comment:

Jill said...

I was just thinking it's time for a new cover photo for you, with all the changes you've made... :)