Monday, December 7, 2015


Everything is okay, but it's not okay. Not really.

I keep wondering what will happen next. I don't feel particularly safe. I feel like I put on a brave and happy face every day and inside I just want to scream and cry. Other people, for God knows what reason, want to make everything about them and their feelings when it has nothing to do with them. A series of disappointing events have happened at work and I am left sitting here wondering...why?

I mean, the world just feels like it's going to Hell. I suppose all you have to do is turn on the news and you see that. Everyone can see that. I've tried so hard to keep my own world safe. Happy.

Lately it's not.

Lately the world feels like a weight on my chest. Everything feels so heavy and dark all the time. Even positive things feel like they have an undercurrent of sad.

It's not Christmas blues. It's not. I just feel like we're so bruised.

It's like you can try to forget things. You can work so hard to move on. But the bruise is there. It's big and purple and ugly and you keep seeing it. Every time you think you've got one problem figured out, there's another one. Another bruise crops up on your leg and you don't even remember how it got there, but it's so swollen to the touch. You don't want to look at it. You don't want to deal with it. But it's there.

It's there inside. Your heart gets bruised. You can turn off the news, you can stop reading the paper, but it's still there. It's just still right there. There are so many things that I feel so incredibly helpless about right now.

I keep trying to make things better for other people. That whole "giving away what you wish you had" thing. Frankly? It's exhausting. I guess that sounds selfish, but it is.

I know things could be worse, but you know what else? Just because things could be worse doesn't mean that I can't acknowledge that the things that AREN'T worse STILL suck.

I am feeling so, so very bruised these days.

1 comment:

mumof3boyz said...

Oh Steph, I am so very sorry you are dealing with so much heart ache right now. I so wish I could give you a big hug around your sweet neck just to make it a little better. Please know I am praying for all of you.