Without you

I just counted nine unpublished drafts in my blogger post history. One of them is titled "Rage". One of them is titled, "No, you don't understand".

I'm all  up in my feelings lately y'all.

It's okay though. Feelings sometimes suck, but they are also good. Not allowing myself to feel things got me to some really dark places over the years.  I still have several things in my past that my therapist tries in vain to get me to talk about and I just NOPE the hell out of it. That's okay. I'll get there. She keeps trying. I keep working. It's a process.

What's been really beautiful about being so broken is that the people who live with me and who truly know me and love me are supportive and kind. They accept and love my brokenness as just another part of me. They get that I am learning, that I am continually growing. They are all growing too, and it's really...beautiful. It's beautiful. I broke one of my cardinal rules about repeatedly using the same word,  but really. Beautiful is the best way to describe it.

Last night Jason and I went out to dinner, just the two of us. We sat in the car and talked when we came home. I'm not even really sure why, no one was home but us. The car felt cozy though and it was just a natural continuation of the conversation and where we were.

I confessed to him so many things that have been weighing so heavily on me lately. Some things he kind of suspected, but other things that he was surprised by. We are at such a different place than we were ten years ago, or five years ago, or even two years ago.

He took my hand and told me, this is just another season, Stephanie. Just another time. We'll look back someday and be so proud of ourselves for sticking together. He then loudly sang, "We're going through changes" and that? Made me laugh. A lot.

I said something like, "What would I do without you?" Usually he says, "You'll never have to find out" or something like that, but last night he said. "You'd be exactly who you are now. You've always had this inside of you. Always".

He's right. I know he is. I don't like to think about him not being around, I don't like to think about what my life would be without him or my children in it every single day, but honestly?

I would be okay. I would survive. Would it be fun? No. Will it be fun when Jonathan and Megan don't live in my home and have daily contact with me? No. Will it be fun when Ginger dies? No.

Will I be okay? Yes. Will I survive? Yes.

I know this. I know all of this. I know every bit of this is inside of me, even if it's buried. It's so nice though, just so very nice, to have people who believe in me and what I can do.