When my brother died a lot of people weren't sad.
That seems like an odd statement, I guess, but it's true. There were people who loved him a lot who were really broken and devastated. There were people who loved him who were angry and hurt that he took his own life. There were people who were hurt by him who were fine to see him go. There were people, a lot of people it turns out, that think that all addicts are worthless, undeserving scum, and they don't care that they die. They celebrated his death. One less addict and the world is a better place.
They say it. Online they'll type these things with their whole chest. They'll make "jokes" that are entirely unfunny, but they'll say them anyway. It's easy to be brave online, I guess. It's easy to pretend that it couldn't happen to you, or your brother, or some member of your family.
You aren't immune, though. None of us are.
A lot of people are brave in real life these days too. I guess it's easier to be since it's apparently totally okay to hate people for any number of reasons. People I've known for many years, even people I'm related to and have known my entire life say awful things directly to my face having absolutely no idea what my views are, but expecting me to agree. Worse, sometimes they do know my heart and they say cruel things anyway. Equating how someone votes or loves or worships with mental illness- when mental illness destroyed my brother's life and keeps me on the edge of mine- is cruel. There's no other way to say it. Knowing what someone lost and holding onto that hate? I can't understand it. I will never understand.
It's never funny and it's not okay.
I do wonder though.
When people told me my brother was burning in Hell because he took his own life: are you proud of yourself for that?
If someone in your family took their own life would you be okay if I said that to you? If someone in your family was murdered would you be okay if I said they were worthless or stupid because of mistakes they'd made in the past? It's okay for you to say it, so it's okay for me to say it too, right?
Right?
I wouldn't though. I know how much it hurts. I know my brother was a flawed human being and he hurt a lot of people, including me, but he didn't deserve to be called worthless. He wasn't scum. He wasn't undeserving. He was human.
Even if your relative or friend or parent said those things to me, I won't say they deserved to die. Not because of who they were or what they said or whether or not they could dish it out and not take it. But only, ever, because of who I am. Or at least who I am trying to be.
It's okay for you to not grieve my brother. I mean that. It's 1000% okay for you to have zero feelings whatsoever about him. It's okay for you to say, "I'm sorry for his kids. I'm sorry for his parents. I'm sorry for his sisters" and not feel anything at all about him. That's not a crime and it doesn't make you a jerk. It's okay. I would say this about anyone who died, not just my brother. It's okay to not grieve someone you didn't know. It's okay to feel indifferent to someone who hurt you or hurt people who you love and care about. It's okay to reserve your sympathy for someone else. I have grieved enough for him to cover the oceans, the mountains, and the entirety of the sky. Every day there is loss: shootings and car accidents and drug overdoses and old age. People lose others every day, in so many ways, and the enormity of that loss can be so overwhelming that I feel I can't breathe. Sometimes my own grief and loss and pain is so loud. So big and heavy and cavernous that I feel like I can't take one more thing. Not one more. I understand, so deeply, the too much of it all. I would never begrudge anyone reserving their energy for something or someone else.
He was human though, and that's the thing I guess I don't want you to forget about him. The thing that so many people do forget about people they deem "less than".
I just want you to know. He wasn't scum. He wasn't worthless. He wasn't a lost cause. His addiction was terrible and hurtful and he wasn't perfect. But the world is not a better place without him. The world is a much less beautiful place without him. I grieve not only for myself and all the people still here who did love him, but for all those people who never got to meet him.
I just wanted to remind you today that you get to choose how you show your face to this world.
I know how I want to show mine.