Saturday, November 7, 2009

Marriage: Day 2312

"I'm sorry I'm not perfect".

That is what he says to me. And most sad of all, I believe he really means that. He really is sorry.

I don't want perfection, though. I never did.

Last night I was cleaning out old emails and old email addresses. And in doing so, I found emails between Jason and I. From 1999.

That was such an exciting time, back when we first met. I remembered how I couldn't wait to see him. Couldn't wait to be with him. And how, eventually, wanted so badly to marry him.

I need to remember that, sometimes. Maybe all the time.

Yesterday church was about conflict. Of course it was because, as I've said before, God sometimes just ignores me and sits my ass down where he wants me to be. When the sermon began it seemed like it was going to be about conflict in the church, but as he talked it became more and more about conflict with one's spouse.

It was interesting, I suppose. We were sitting side by side and I was not looking at him. Not even glancing at him. I had been crying all morning Sunday. I can't even really tell you why, because I don't know. Everything just feels really impossible right now. I can't fix it. I've always been able to fix it. But this time? I don't know how.

The invitation was offered and my husband leaned over and said quietly to me,

"I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry. I've not been the husband you deserve. And I'm so sorry."

Again, it's not that simple. I suppose it never is.

But maybe it is. Maybe that's where you go from here.


Jenski said...

2312 days are a lot of days. I've never been married, but can see your determination and hope in what you write. I hope you have many more days of marriage, and happy ones especially, to come.

Anonymous said...

I've been married 20 years and all I can say is to hang in there. Every marriage has ups and downs and it sounds like you are cycling through a low point. It will pass! You will be happy together again! Don't give up, just persevere.

herewegokids said...

I don't know Jason but from your accounts it's always sounded to me like he's one of the good ones. I'm sure he isn't the husband you deserve...maybe you're not the wife he deserves....that's how it is w/ my spouse & I. It's such an imperfect world and so much pain and sorrow along with the joy. Sometimes it just hurts and there's no fixing it. But there is waiting it out. I'm rooting for both of you.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to both of you.

M said...

I love you. I so get you and get this entry. It's really hard to be married to a GREAT GUY but be in this...SLUMP. A slump so big it feels like it may be THE SLUMP.

I'm pretty sure none of us are the spouse the other deserves but it's about TRYING to be that person. When it's easy or when it's tough.

I often think I am a good wife but then...hello...if I'm having resentment in my heart I'm not nearly as good as I think I am.

I'm babbling but anyway I'm glad God put your ass there to put this in your heart. Sometimes the simplest things are the most impossible.

Christina Berry said...

It's a start. To fix the mistakes of the past, we first have to be sorry for them. Sounds like Jason is, so that's a start.

I guess the question is, do you believe the two of you were made for each other? If you do, then your marriage is certainly worth fighting for. No marriage is easy - don't let anyone tell you it is. It's hard, even when things are good. When things aren't so good, it takes more work and more trust and more love. If this is what you want, don't give up on it.

insomniac ellen said...

all of the above. Your readers/friends have hit the nail on the head. Isn't it weird how we wind in a place at a time when we need to hear a particular thing. Or to be the person that imparts that bit of info.

Boriqua said...

I have faith you and Jason will get through this. If my husband and I can come back from the brink of divorce (literally) and what seemed like insurmountable problems, you two can as well. You've already got a good head start in that you know it needs work. Every marriage does.

Anonymous said...

I've made some really huge mistakes in my marriage. I mean serious, divorce-causing mistakes. I hurt him, a lot. Thankfully, my husband is a saint and he forgave my incredible stupidity. I didn't deserve it, but he gave me the opportunity to redeem myself and I promised to never disappoint him again. So far, so good.

EE said...


PaintedPromise said...

hang in there!!!