Dear girl on the elliptical last night,
Okay. You have a nice body.
There. I said it. Now would you please, for the love of God and all that is Holy, stop turning around WHILE YOU ARE ON THE ELLIPTICAL to look at yourself (particularly your ass) in the mirror? Because you're going to hurt yourself and I'm not going to give you CPR. I'm just not.
You have a fine, fine ass. Okay? Just take my word for it. Don't try to look at yourself. Don't stare at yourself. You look like an idiot. Granted, an idiot with a fine ass. But still. Just stop.
Stop saying stupid crap and accidentally hurting people's feelings.
You are growing at an alarming rate. I know this is at least partially my fault as I feed you healthy foods and require you to do things such as exercise instead of watch television for eleven hours a day. I can't help it. It's sort of my thing.
However, I would like for you to slow down. Maybe just a bit. Because the next thing I know, I'm pretty sure you're going to be married and having kids of your own and I'm going to be old and bitter and miss you a lot. And I'd prefer a few more years with you before that happens.
PS: Clean up your rooms. For the love of corndogs.
I'll fight for you. You are worth it.