Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I memorize every line.

So.

One of the hardest things about writing a blog and exposing yourself in such a very public way is that when things really suck? You don't want to write about them. I suppose the arguments for and against that are both really valid. On the one hand, this is my blog. I don't have to say anything I don't want to say. I can paint a really happy, rosy picture and every one of all of y'all would be none the wiser.

On the other hand? Blogs like that suck. Donkey balls.

Because blogs like that aren't real life. Things aren't perfect. People change. It's not all sunshine and flowers and...you know. Unicorns. Or whatever.

Thus, in the spirit of not being a really craptacular blog, a confession.

The marriage? Not going so well.

I'm not sure exactly how it's all happened, frankly. One minute everything seems to be going along swimmingly and the next? I wake up next to a man I feel like I don't even know. In the midst of this? I'm writing a book about how I found my Prince Charming.

It doesn't feel real, or right. It's...alarming. It's frightening.

It's absolutely horrible. What's more horrible is that I don't know how to fix it. And the worst, most horrible of all? There have been moments, recent moments, that I wasn't sure if things are fixable.

I cannot put into words how that feels. To love someone, really love them, and not know how to help them. To not know how to help yourself. To not know how to make things better. To fear, really fear, that things will never get better.

I am unafraid of the typical things, I suppose. It never occurred to me to worry about my ability to support myself or having to be a single mother. Those things I am painfully familiar with. I can be by myself. I can support myself. I have no doubts about such things. They seem trivial when compared to how I feel about my ability to live without him.

I don't need him. I've never needed him.

I want him, though. I always have.

Not long ago we were talking. We've talked endlessly for weeks, sometimes pausing only to wipe our eyes from all the tears. He says he'll do anything. Asks me to believe. Asks me to have a little more faith. All I want is sleep. And to make the hurt go away.

This morning I stumbled through the kitchen, bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived and not quite ready to face the day. Sleep is elusive on a good day. Lately, it's my fondest wish and my absolute worst enemy. I tripped over my dog, as usual, and caught myself on the edge of my dining room table, my hand sliding over the little yellow piece of paper on which my husband had written me a love letter.

It's not that easy, really. I know that. A few lines of a piece of paper can't heal all the hurts of your soul. It can't right every wrong of the last ten years. It can't change everything.

But it helps.

I've read it over and over again today. Every line. And I am thinking.


And I love him.


Which still means something.

25 comments:

Chrissy said...

I was afraid this might be what you've been alluding to lately. I'm so sorry. I hope it all works out, how ever you want it to work out. You and your kids deserve the best. I hope you find it.

Sharon said...

I wondered why you hadn't blogged about Jason lately. I wasn't hoping this wasn't the reason. I'm sorry it's hard right now. I hope you can work things out, because I know you still love each other. He loves your kids and they love him. That's hard to replace.

Danielle said...

I'm so very sorry.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, so very hard. I'm so sorry you've been going through all this. I love your blog.

M said...

I love you sweetie. And you know I'm around and have been through the good, bad, and ugly.

I think sometimes it's so fucking hard to blog about things like this because it's not just making it public but it's also putting it into print for everyone and yourself to really know.

I love you. I get it. I really get it. As usual.

I just hope answers and peace come soon. You all deserve that. xoxo

Chelle said...

I had hoped this wasn't what was going on... I hope you & Jason are able to work things out. You're a strong woman - take care.

Miss Burb said...

right now, MrB and I have been on the outs, too. Thank you for writing this; it helps me know I'm not so alone.

I do, however, think it's kickass that he wrote a love letter. How awesome to know how he feels. I think that's part of our problem :(

thinking of you *hugs*

Midlife Mama said...

*sigh* I am so there, too. At that tipping point, feeling like one small breath of air could tip you over to one side or the other....to stay or to leave. The letter is good though... real good. :) It means he hasn't totally given up.

PaintedPromise said...

aw Stephanie that brought tears to my eyes... it's horrible to go through a rough patch, especially when it seems you might not ever make it to the other side - or at least, not together... been there done that too! in fact i went to bed in tears last night because i feel so alone in my own home - my last kid living here is hardly ever here, she's so busy... and while my hubby is here, he is so focused on "his" life, and seeming so uncaring of "my" life, that it's hard to remember we have "our" life... we don't seem to be overlapping much right now :(

i know he loves me, but he isn't very good at showing it... {sigh}

so me, i think that letter is really, really good! and i'm jealous.

i hope things get back on the right track for you soon!!! hang in there...

Wenderina said...

There's really no words that will make you feel better...not his love letter, not my commiseration, not 100 comments of support. But you are Stephanie Snowe. You are "That Chick" You will find your way. Trust yourself to see the path and find happiness at the end of it.

Katie said...

Sweetie, every marriage goes through this type of thing. 13 years with my husband, and I love him to pieces, we have 5 kids together and I married into three. The kids have never been the problem. It's that some days I'm like, "What the heck? Why you? And forever? Seriously?" But it's a phase. It'll go away, unless there was some big huge thing that lead to this and since you didn't say that. . . . There will be moments, days, even months like this. But know that it'll all go back to where it's familiar and right and wonderful.

Katie said...

Sweetie, every marriage goes through this type of thing. 13 years with my husband, and I love him to pieces, we have 5 kids together and I married into three. The kids have never been the problem. It's that some days I'm like, "What the heck? Why you? And forever? Seriously?" But it's a phase. It'll go away, unless there was some big huge thing that lead to this and since you didn't say that. . . . There will be moments, days, even months like this. But know that it'll all go back to where it's familiar and right and wonderful.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hold on to that letter and all the good stuff. And remember that we love you.

Anonymous said...

you should write more about this subject. really. of course it's revealing and whatnot, but you definitely aren't the only one. you never know how what you write will help someone. someone like me! and it may help you just a little bit to know you aren't "the only one". if i coulda grown some ovaries, my husband woulda been hanging with just his xbox about, oh, 4 months ago! hang in there and do you!

Amanda Daybyday said...

If I knew you, I'd give you a hug. Saying that, you're brave. You're honest and that's wonderful. Hope all goes well with and your man.

Bethany said...

I hope it all works out. I will be praying for you guys.

mythoughtsonthat said...

Tough times suck.

Peace.

Anne-Kathrine said...

Im so sorry to hear this. I really hope everything works out for the best no matter what the best is. Candle lit and prayers on the way!

justgerbil said...

You know, you're not alone in that. Many hugs. One step at a time, doll, one step at a time.

SJ said...

You are not alone girl by any means, times do get rough that's for sure. I wish you the best, it'll come I just know it.

Hugs.

Anonymous said...

marriages ebb and flow. as long as both of you are willing to work at it, you should be able to get through this rough patch. Lots of positive vibes for you both.

Suzy Voices said...

So sorry to hear this. Marriage is such a tough gig. I hope you make it through. Loving him so much will go a long way to repairing what is broken.

Hang in there. :-)

CPA Mom said...

You know that I know. Please write me or call me when you can. You've been there for me, let me return the favor. Love you!

His Girl not anymore said...

Thinking of you in this trying time. Your friend, Lisa

ps my boyfriend dumped me 2 weeks ago, so my blog of love letters went horribly wrong. maybe it will make you laugh?

Jenski said...

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this right now. Hope that your strength and hope get you through. I'll be thinking of you!