So. 2009? Pretty much blew goats. And I kind of feel like one of those people that are left standing in the rubble after something blows up. You know? They just stand there and look around, completely dazed. Like, "What just happened here?"
That's me. Right now.
I'm really perplexed about how all this happened. This was SUPPOSED to be the best year ever. I'm not just saying that either. It really was. Based upon all the things that happened this year? It should have been.
But it wasn't. It really, really, REALLY wasn't.
In fact? 2009 was pretty much one of the worst years of my life so far. All of my really lovely plans sort of blew up in my face and I'm...standing in the rubble right now.
In case you are wondering (or, you know, give a crap) it sucks.
Thus, for the last several days I have been looking for a building tall enough to fling myself off of.
Okay, not really. But I've been pretty bummed. Severely bummed.
In thinking about this I'm reminded of a time in my life when I really didn't have a lot of options. I had to suck it up, swallow my pride, and ask for help. Some of the help I asked for I got. I'm still very grateful for that. Some of the help I asked for, I didn't get. I'm not bummed about that anymore, honestly, but I remember it. I'll never forget it. It makes me hesitant to ask anyone again.
At that point in my life I just did what I had to do for a while. I'm thinking 2010 is going to be like that as well.
And that's okay.
I don't make resolutions. I haven't for a long time. I do make goals...or I did. I'm almost afraid of doing it this year since last year was such a miserable failure. Maybe low expectations is the way to go. I haven't decided yet.
Last year I had one goal: To do better.
In some ways, I suppose I did. In most ways? I failed.
I want to say I'm okay with that. That failure is part of everyone's life and maybe some other crap about how much it counts that I tried. But I can't say that because it's not true. It's not okay that this year sucked so much. It's not okay that I made so many mistakes and it's not okay, not even a little bit, that I am where I am right now.
Also? It's mostly my fault.
So while I do want to be better, I'm really going to have to think about my goals for next year. Really, seriously think. I didn't think "being better" was that much of a stretch but for me, I suppose it is.
I'm thinking, though. I really am.