Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2010: I'm ready for you now. Thank you.

So. 2009? Pretty much blew goats. And I kind of feel like one of those people that are left standing in the rubble after something blows up. You know? They just stand there and look around, completely dazed. Like, "What just happened here?"

That's me. Right now.

I'm really perplexed about how all this happened. This was SUPPOSED to be the best year ever. I'm not just saying that either. It really was. Based upon all the things that happened this year? It should have been.

But it wasn't. It really, really, REALLY wasn't.

In fact? 2009 was pretty much one of the worst years of my life so far. All of my really lovely plans sort of blew up in my face and I'm...standing in the rubble right now.

In case you are wondering (or, you know, give a crap) it sucks.

Thus, for the last several days I have been looking for a building tall enough to fling myself off of.


Okay, not really. But I've been pretty bummed. Severely bummed.



In thinking about this I'm reminded of a time in my life when I really didn't have a lot of options. I had to suck it up, swallow my pride, and ask for help. Some of the help I asked for I got. I'm still very grateful for that. Some of the help I asked for, I didn't get. I'm not bummed about that anymore, honestly, but I remember it. I'll never forget it. It makes me hesitant to ask anyone again.

At that point in my life I just did what I had to do for a while. I'm thinking 2010 is going to be like that as well.

And that's okay.

I don't make resolutions. I haven't for a long time. I do make goals...or I did. I'm almost afraid of doing it this year since last year was such a miserable failure. Maybe low expectations is the way to go. I haven't decided yet.

Last year I had one goal: To do better.

In some ways, I suppose I did. In most ways? I failed.

I want to say I'm okay with that. That failure is part of everyone's life and maybe some other crap about how much it counts that I tried. But I can't say that because it's not true. It's not okay that this year sucked so much. It's not okay that I made so many mistakes and it's not okay, not even a little bit, that I am where I am right now.

Also? It's mostly my fault.


So while I do want to be better, I'm really going to have to think about my goals for next year. Really, seriously think. I didn't think "being better" was that much of a stretch but for me, I suppose it is.


I'm thinking, though. I really am.

7 comments:

Meghan Deaver said...

I am in complete agreement! Supposedly, things can only go up from here. I really hope 2010 is better for you!

Side note - I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery of blinking in the rubble aftermath. Sometimes it's better to laugh at the situation; sometimes it's all you can do.

Hockey Mom said...

All right - I'm gonna throw back some of your own words. About someone saying their life is so hard. I really don't need to know what sucky things happened because they're personal so it's none of my business. And I'm not saying that they didn't suck, because no one can say how another person should feel.

But let's look at a few good points. You are alive, you're still married, you still have two really amazing children who love you very much, you have a job, you worked very very hard and accomplished an amazing shrinking act, you gritted out a long walk for cancer research, and you survived a car accident that could have turned out much much worse. I'm sure there's more. So, the goals that fell flat and other bad things that happened, happened along with some really amazing stuff.

I've been to many of those places you describe. I've been in places where you just put your head down and keep taking one step at a time. I've found I can do way more than I ever thought I could. Right now things are pretty OK. I know better than to think they'll never get bad again.

I appreciate your honesty. Really I do. I hope writing this stuff down makes it somehow feel less huge. Cause it'll get better!

mythoughtsonthat said...

Really ready to say goodbye to
2009,too. No goals here yet- will keep trying.

Peace.

Katy said...

AMEN!

2009 was terrible. That's what happens when you make up a fun rhyme to go with the year. I started with, "Everything will be fine in 2009". Yeah..that pretty much blew up in my face.
My husbands Great Grandmom passed away, then his Grand-Mother, then her husband (obviously his Grand-Father). Two days after that MY Nana passed away and I was totally blown to bits when, 2 days before Thanksgiving, My mom lost her battle with cancer. TOTAL SHOCK! The Docs just told her everything looked great and she was beating it...again...after 17 years of fighting on and off.
You would think that would be enough to make a person check into the pretty white, padded room hotel. Right?
Almost did. Still think about it too. :) But? I have two sisters, a father, niece, nephew, another niece or nephew on the way, husband, and amazing friends to keep pushing on for. I realize that. I cherish that, now, more than ever.
2009 was a crappy year for A LOT of peeps. I know I'm not alone. 2010 is a rebuilding year for a lot of people for so many different reasons.
2009 was also the year that I realized that there are two kinds of people in this world. 1) Those who run towards you in your time of great need and 2) Those who run away from you...usually screaming and so fast, they are nothing but a blur.
I have come to the conclusion that those people just need to keep on running.
Keep your chin up. You aren't alone either. Don't kick yourself for mistakes made b/c those mistakes are what actually make you "be better". You learn and you change...for the better. Same with any "faliures".
So now that I've written a blog of my own here....I'm going to get back to work. Well...at least bang on the keyboard a bit to make it sound like I'm working. ;)

NinjaMom said...

I guess it's that grass is always greener thing... You seem so awesome and accomplished to me.

You may not care but you inspired me to get back up on that Weight Watchers horse and count points until my brain explodes.

I don't know why so many people don't like this year. I guess I had a lot of bad stuff happen, but I had some great stuff too.

Maybe it's the Zoloft, cuz I can't feel bummed about this year no matter how hard I try.

Peace, chick!

Sonia

Anonymous said...

Waffy you're the most honest person I know. Most people put up a front that could win an oscar. I did for 25 years. I pray this year will be the best one you have ever had

PaintedPromise said...

2009 was not quite as bad as 2005 was for me but it gets second worst! 2010 has GOT to be better - for all of us!!!!!!