Sunday, December 13, 2009

For a moment, he was mine.

I had a dream last night.

In the dream, I had a baby. It was a boy.

I wasn't expecting to have a baby and I was completely unprepared. The baby was really, really early but it didn't look scary like my children did when they were born. It just looked like a regular baby. It was a normal size.

I had to carry him everywhere, because I didn't have a car seat. I didn't have anything I was supposed to have. I didn't mind though. He was slight and sweet and never cried. He was perfect. And he was mine.

Someone came to me. I don't know who it was, but they were someone in a position of authority. I knew it. They told me I couldn't keep the baby. That even though he was mine and I loved him, he couldn't be mine anymore.

They took him away.

And then I saw his gravestone.

I drove away from his grave and to my house, where a moving van was loading up everything I owned. I had to go away. I couldn't have anything. If I had even one little second of happiness, I had to lose everything.

The dream was, in case it's not obvious, pretty much completely horrible.

When I woke up I was relieved it wasn't real. But I also wondered.

Will I spend the rest of my life associating having a child with loss?


Jamie said...

Reading this hurts my heart for you...and all I can say is I'm sorry. Gentle hugs.

Nicole said...

Stephanie, All I know to say is. I. don't. know. But I sure as hell hope so, cause as I'm grieving my own infertility, I'm experiencing similar things.

I am hoping that parenting our adopted child/children, when that happens, will be enough and fade that a bit. But it's a seperate loss to be mourned that I can't just "get pregnant."


Sheila Deeth said...

What a sad and lonely dream. Wishing you well.

Devon said...

Funny you wrote this. Not really "funny"--but you know what I mean. I just found out that my cousin is preg with #2... meanwhile, my husband and I haven't been able to conceive even once. I admire your strength for being able to post about it. I have thought about posting about my sadness and frustration on the situation... but I don't want any family/friends that may read my blog to know. I seem to always get the "it will happen when it happens" reply from the few that do know that I struggle with it... and that pisses me off to no end. (meanwhile they've been able to conceive without a problem.) :(

Danielle said...

Such a sad dream - I'm sorry!

Anonymous said...

This made my heart hurt.

And? Gave me a slight kick in the pants about the way I've been feeling about my current situation.

marythemom said...


This dream made my heart hurt. I have dreams like this occasionally. Usually I set my quiet baby down somewhere and later realize I lost/forgot it. Then I go looking everywhere, but can never find it. Mine are guilt dreams, not loss.

I hope this is your heart's way of processing something and now you can move on? I know mine don't really have anything to do with an actual baby. Usually it's more like letting go something I wanted and dreamed about.

Mary in TX