Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Open Letters: These-should-really-be-yelled-at-top-volume Edition!

Dear person who used to be my friend like ten years ago and now I pretty much want to stab in the face all the time,

I know in my heart that it's perfectly okay for you to be whiny and sad about things I would pretty much give my one remaining ovary to have in my life, but for the love of God sweetheart I am really going to crotch punch you if you don't shut up about how hard your life is.

You don't have a job. Yes, you are pregnant and I'm sure that's difficult (if I wasn't sure you would TELL ME) but a lot of people have a job while they are pregnant. They really do. Some people even have a job and take care of OTHER KIDS they have. Crazy.

You, yourself, told me that you were "too pretty" to go to college, so you don't have any student loans like my stupid and apparently ugly ass does.

Your husband adores you and tells you all the time how beautiful and fabulous you are. He just paid for you and THREE OF YOUR OTHER FRIENDS to go to Vegas for Christmas. He is not "annoying" or "stupid" or "gay". (And don't even get me started about how much I hate when people use "gay" like that. That just burns my beans SO BAD.) He supports you. He LOVES you. And frankly, you don't give him a lot to work with sister.

Your life isn't hard. Really. Please think about people who work two or three jobs to put food on the table and go to bed worried about if they will have heat tommorrow. Okay?


Dear Other Friend who is in a really stupid relationship with a really stupid "boyfriend",

Let me explain this one time.

If you don't love him or even LIKE him anymore, as you say? Stop letting him show you the peen.

Boys don't get things, okay? When you knock his junk around on a regular basis he thinks it's means you like him. He doesn't understand that you hate him and want him dead.

Keep your business in your pants and he'll get the hint.

Okay, he probably won't because he's a total mouth-breather. Maybe just stop answering your cell phone when he calls you.


Dear Budget for 2010,

You hurt my head.


Dear Some People at my work,

I really hope you are enjoying your Christmas vacation. Thanks ever so for dropping all your horse crap on my desk before you left.

Also? Please die in a fire.

(ETA: Okay that was mean. Sorry)


Dear Jerk-off who hit us and is now in jail and whose insurance company is refusing to pay for the damage to our car because said Jerk-off was under the influence of something which means we have to shell out $500 right at the Holidays,

I hope some guy named Thor makes you his bitch.


Dear 2009,

Suck it.



Danielle said...

"Stop letting him show you the peen" nearly had me blow coffee out of my nose!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! Steph, this is the funniest thing I have read in a looooong time!!

Much love and happy new year!!


LzyMom said...

You slay me.


insomniac ellen said...

" I hope some guy named Thor makes you his bitch." still laughing....

and the whiny bee-otch with the wonderful hubby supporting her: you have my permission to bitch slap here into next tuesday.

Carolyn said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! I would pay money to be able to put your humorous spin on things.

Toritopia said...

I really need to start writing letters like this as well. It could my own personal therapy. I need to write a letter to a friend who also annoys me with how hard her life is and I just want to bitch-slap her sometimes. Perhaps an "open-letter" would be better.

Thanks for sharing. You really made my day.

Bethany said...

May I add one?

Dear 2010,
If you are as bad as 2009, you can suck it too.


KrustyLynn said...

I went skiing (because I live in CO and apparently that's what people do) and I accidentally ended up on a Black Diamond Run (which is the expert level of skiing, just in case you didn't know)and I had to call ski patrol to come get me. The guy's name was Thor. No kidding. And I *almost* kissed him on the mouth, because he saved me when I thought I was going to DIE. :)

Just thought I would share. :)

CPA Mom said...

well said my friend, well said. I needed that laugh too!

SJINCO said...

I'm ready to say good-bye to 2009 too. And as always, thanks for the laugh. Your open letters are to die for.

(PS: Maybe you should publish a book of open letters as your next book?)