Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Self-realization and other crap.

I'm really hard on other women.

(Okay, I'm fourteen and I totally snorted out loud when I typed that. My bad)

Anyway, I'm on this really epic quest to better myself (stupid sex jokes notwithstanding. Apparently) and in doing that I've thought a lot about my relationships with other people and you know what? I'm a complete bitch.

Seriously, it's true. I mean, I guess my ex-husband was ACTUALLY RIGHT (about that anyway) and I'm just a dreadful person. Because here is an example of a conversation I had with a friend recently:

Me: And I mean, MY GOD. Instead of sitting around talking about doing something, she should just get off her dead ass and DO IT.

Friend I don't deserve: Well, maybe it's hard for her. She has a lot going on.

Me: She doesn't have ANYTHING going on! Nothing!

Friend: Stephanie. She has kids at home.

Me: So? I had two kids at home when I went back to college! And I worked full-time! And I made straight A's! And-

Friend: Stephanie. Not everyone wants to be like you.


See, I thought I had this figured out. I thought I was pretty good overall. Not perfect, but okay. I love other people. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends. I support charities. I love Jesus SO BAD. I'm really nice!

Except I'm not really nice. I get frustrated with people when I shouldn't. I expect way more of people than is fair. I'm not separating myself from other people. And that? Sucks butt. For real.

Cause in reality? It's okay if I want to work 500 jobs and never sleep, but it's not fair, nor is it realistic for me to expect anyone else to do this. It's okay for me have high expectations of myself. Okay, maybe it's really stupid because the whole almost-no-sleep-for-twelve-years thing? Not so pretty on the face. But the point is, I can impose whatever I want on myself. Not on anyone else. Not even in my head. Because only a complete bitch would do something like that.

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day (I know. Shut up) and he currently has this group of "Housewives" that, from what I can tell, basically sit around a talk smack about each other. Watching it made me uncomfortable. It made me sad. And it made me want to kick my own butt.

Snark is one thing. I fully embrace my snark. It will never leave me, nor forsake me. Like Jesus.

But being petty and cruel is another. And I'm not doing it anymore.


kim said...

It's always hard to see the world from any perspective other than your own - because there's no way to have any other default setting. And even if we can see where someone is right this minute (when it seems like, yeah, they could get off their ass and do something) we don't know where they are coming from. We don't know their entire backstory so we really don't know - and we don't know how it all impacted them, as even the same set of circumstances impacts everyone differently. Each according to his/her own gifts.

I'm not good at this either - I think of myself as being compassionate but often I'm just intolerant, judgmental and harsh (but only of others...I'm pretty tolerant of my own shortcomings...).


Ms. Maggie said...

OMG we are so much alike.

I have been struggling lately with trying to accept people "where they are, for who they are." That is so hard.

I have unrealistic expectations for myself, which I sometimes fulfill and sometimes not. But I tend to expect the same work ethic, decision making, money choices, etc, etc, etc, from everyone in my life.

I commend your decision to be more accepting, and welcome you to my struggle. ;)

Oh, and. You? You ROCK SO HARD!!!! Be good to yourself.

M said...

I love you. You're remarkable. Really.

We ALL have those evil thoughts about others. Good for you for giving a shti and trying to stop them instead of just stewing on them. It's healthier for you and those around you.

And, much as I love you, no SANE PERSON would want to be the overachiever you are. But I'll take half of what you do please. ;) xoxo

diane rene said...

two things totally struck me reading your post today ...
1 - you have a totally awesome friend for being able to say that to you. so many people would have just nodded, agreeing with you or not, and smiled and then went home and thought about all the stuff she SHOULD have said if she'd had the lady balls to do it ... way cool.

and 2 - you took it in, thought about it, and decided you don't like that part about you. you could have gotten pissy, like so many people do when they are criticized and run home to call up another friend and said "I can't believe that she had the lady balls to say that to me ... blah blah blah", but instead, you see it as another area to improve on - great for you!

we all have the initial thought that we aren't proud of ... like "she needs to get off her ass and do something". but the true test of wanting to become a better person is saying, "but I don't know what she has going on" or even, "how can I help her?"

you're on the right path - you are a good person :)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I have been trying for SO many years to realize that my reality isn't everyone else's reality, and that's an idea that's hard to swallow. I get where you're coming from. I think you're allowed to be Judgy McJudgypants when the other person's reality screws up your own. Royally. Then, you're good.

Elizabeth said...

"I fully embrace my snark. It will never leave me, nor forsake me. Like Jesus."

I LOVE you.

Anonymous said...

You would so totally hate me in real life. Hugs!

LzyMom said...

I was totally put down by my dad when I was a kid "you think you're sick? let me tell you something..." So I'm actually pretty understanding that we all experience things differently.

Who knew abuse could be so beneficial? :P

But I'm imperfect in lots of other ways so don't hate. :)

It takes a pretty amazing person to see something in themselves they don't like and would like to change. :)


Priscilla said...

This is good! You can stop therapy now! Or, maybe therapy is working!

I have to agree with you. Here's how it works with the knuckleheads I deal with.

YOU don't have to get off your lazy butt and better yourself. 'I' don't have to listen to you whine or babysit your brats or offer to buy you smokes or beer or whatever.

AND I don't want to talk to you more than once a month.

Carry on. . .

Alpha Dude said...

You, my dear friend, are absolutely wonderful, and highly intelligent.
There is a great lesson to be learned here, by everyone.

Thank you.


Jenski said...

Personally, I think you sound like an amazing person. Promise not to judge me if I try to get my sleep though? I'll promise not to go on Dr. Phil and talk smack about other people. :-)