Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Open Letters: Gettin' the Crabby Out Edition

Dear three different cars containing individuals with various death wishes,

Dude.

Seriously. If I am the ONLY car on the road and I am driving approximately 55 miles an hour and there is LITERALLY no one behind me as far as the eye can see? It might behoove you to wait until I PASS YOU before pulling out onto the road.

Because the way you did it? Meant that you pulled DIRECTLY INTO THE PATH OF MY VEHICLE. My vehicle, which I mentioned earlier, was going at a rate of 55 miles an hour. Which, in case you are slow (and you are), is about 50 miles an hour faster than you were going when you pulled directly into the path of my vehicle.

Also? There are no bonus points in life for pulling that crap and then making a left turn two streets up. That just makes you more of a complete asshat.

Really, there is no inspection required to drive a vehicle in Tennessee. As long as you can get it onto the street then by God, you can drive it. Some people have NO BRAKES AT ALL. You might want to consider that next time, okay?

Kisses!
-Stephanie





Dear huge line of cars behind me,

I have no idea why this concept is so far beyond your comprehension, but for real? I cannot drive faster than the car ahead of me is driving.

Think about that for just one second.

I cannot go faster than the car ahead of me.

Repeat that in your head about twenty times, okay? Because it really doesn't matter if you ride your car so far up my tailpipe that I seriously consider sticking my head out the window and shouting, "If you're going to ride my ass you might as well pull my hair while you're at it!", I honestly, seriously, really can't go any faster than the car ahead of me. And that car ahead of me? Has about ten cars ahead of it. And if the very first car is going 50? Then none of us are going to get to go 55.

Okay? It's not that hard to understand.

Also? I have no idea why everyone speeds up to 65 on that last little stretch on which the speed limit actually goes down to 45, but I'm not going to speed up there. Police officers sit right past that nearly every day and if you want a ticket, help yourself, but I have college accounts to fund, so I don't.

Also? Bite me.

Love!
-Steph

PS: Swinging your vehicle into oncoming traffic in the pouring rain on a foggy morning so that you can "check" and make sure I'm not the one holding up traffic? Let me know how that works for you. Ass.





Dear Facebook "friend",

Listen, I don't know what kind of scam you are running, nor do I want to know, but I have to ask you this.

Do you really have no idea that other people can actually read what you post on Facebook?

Because it seems to me that if you are going to tell one person or group of persons one thing about where you are and what you are doing, then it might not be the smartest thing you've ever thought of to post something entirely different on your Facebook wall. People can see that. Most of them can even read. They are going to know for sure that you aren't doing what you said you're going to be doing. And maybe it's just me, but that doesn't seem wise.

Or maybe you want to get caught. Whatever.

Have fun with that.

HUGS!
-Steph





Dear Snatch-Ass bitch,

You know, I was really hurt at first when you decided that I wasn't going to be your friend anymore, but then, really it was okay with me. I know that I'm not the best person to have as a friend. I know I'm really busy and I know that a lot of women don't have as much going on as me and that means I can't meet your needs as a friend. I was sorry that you felt that way, but life goes on, right? I really liked you as a person, though, and hoped you had a happy life.

But, um, Snatch-Ass? It's really not cool for you to continue ripping me off in your blog all the time. That crap you are writing that your twelve friends read and comment on all the time? Yeah. I wrote that back in 2008.

I overlooked it when we were "friends". Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

But actually no. It's actually that you can't think up an original thought in your head and even though I'm not a good friend and don't have anything to offer you, you certainly help yourself to the things I say and reword them slightly to make them your "own". That's super-awesome of you. I'm sure Jesus approves.

But you know what? I'm not worried about you. You're such a narcissistic bitch you won't know it when it hits you, but you'll get yours. And then of course, you'll whine and moan and all your friends will pet your head because your life is SO HARD. Don't worry, I'll do my duty as your friend and I'll call the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMBULANCE for you.

Also? Suck it.

HEARTS AND FLOWERS. BITCH.
-Stephanie

9 comments:

CPA Mom said...

It's been way too long since the open letters. Awesome.

diane rene said...

hee hee hee

I love your open letters :) it's so free-ing, right?

Toritopia said...

I thought of your "open letters" the other day as I was driving. I saw a woman smoking in the backseat of a car while a small child sat next to her. She kindly exhaled the smoke out the small crack in the window while holding the smoking cigarette safely in the car. Yeah, great job keeping all the second-hand smoke right next to the child. That will surely stunt his/her growth and help them develop medical problems. Wouldn't want to deprive the child of anything, now would we? People are douches.
Thanks for the laugh this morning Stephanie!

cassee01 said...

love it!

Dawn said...

This:

Because it really doesn't matter if you ride your car so far up my tailpipe that I seriously consider sticking my head out the window and shouting, "If you're going to ride my ass you might as well pull my hair while you're at it!", I honestly, seriously, really can't go any faster than the car ahead of me.

Made me actually, literally, LOL.

And the last one? Ahhh seems like there are lots of narcissistic hobags out there spouting derivative BS about how hard their lives are to their small bands of loyal followers, eh? They'll give anybody a blog these days. Perhaps we should work out a program through which we can hook these people up so they can get together and moan?

Jenski said...

Your driving stories sound like my drive to work yesterday - and the dude drove really slow trying to make me miss the green light when he turned left. Jerk.

Why would someone copy a blog? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

frannie said...

sorry your "friend" didn't turn out. That sucks.

J said...

i want to be you when i grow up. :)

Islandergirl said...

I was actually thinking on my way home yesterday that my tombstone is likely going to read "LOOK!! I can only go as fast as the TURTLE in front of me is driving.. so calm the HELL down and get off my ass!!"

Because I seem to say it too much when driving.