Friday, February 4, 2011

Open Letters: February Blues Edition

Dear media,

Okay, seriously. Enough with the Charlie Sheen crap.

If I'm watching E! "news" or whatever I expect to see all the latest on what and who Charlie's been into, complete with detailed analysis of the blue Kenneth Cole sweater he was wearing while walking through the doors of the umpteenth rehab facility he's been in. This is not something I want/expect to see from traditional news outlets.

The dude is a drug addict who likes hookers, disregards his children, and makes dangerous, reckless decisions that mess up not only his life, but the lives of others around him. Where I come from? We avoid people like that. We do not pay them umpty billion dollars to appear on television in poorly acted sitcoms and endlessly talk about them when there are far more important things going on in this world.

(It might be wise to mention that I also do not get the appeal of the program "Two and a half men". I watched it once and it was fourteen sex jokes and a chubby kid. I could stand outside and listen to my neighbors fight and get the same experience. I promise you no one is paying those assholes a million dollars. Ever.)

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person turning off the television when you run these "stories". I like my trash t.v. (hello? Teen Mom 2 anyone?), but there is a time and place for everything.

A television addict

Dear God and Jesus,

Please let the two issues I am currently praying about resolve themselves in a way that I understand. I know you totally frown upon my cursing and general craziness and my confusion over these things is causing me to do both. None of us want that.

So I'm doing the right thing. I'm praying for the right thing to happen and I'm willing to accept whatever you say is the right thing, even if it feels really weird and bad. Remember when my doucheface first husband left me and I got all pissed and yelled at you because I couldn't understand why you let this happen to me when I didn't even know much less use the word doucheface back in 1997? And you forgave me? And not only did you forgive me, you're still totally cool with me and love me so bad? I learned from that. See?


PS: Thanks for not smiting me because of my cursing and general craziness. I love you so bad too.

Dear body,

Hey bitch, if you are going to get a massive craving for pizza this is not the weekend to do it. Every fracking year you totally forget when the Super Bowl is and you go, "Oh, hey! Pizza! What a great idea!" and then completely jack up the whole dinner routine. This year? You are DENIED.


PS: Get out and there and walk. It doesn't matter how cold it is. The Avon Walk is only 8.5 months away. And do you really want to be the girl that the ambulance slowly circles again this year? I don't think you do.

Dear Girl Child,

Remember the other day when dad got that bug up his ass that he wanted to clean out the filing cabinet, which actually meant that *I* had to clean out the filing cabinet because pretty much everything in there is mine and I got super annoyed but I did it anyway because I have to admit that it's a really good idea to clean it out even though my preference would have been not to do it at 8pm when I was already exhausted from working the whole day? I found something you wrote.

It was a paragraph about your favorite person. Which was your brother.

You drew his picture; a little stick figure with black hair and glasses. You made a cloud of thoughts about him and his attributes. And then? You began to write.

And okay, I totally didn't understand the vast majority of it. I tried, I really did and let me commend you on how far your handwriting and spelling have come in the last 6.5 years. I got the part about "black-blonde" hair. (I don't understand this really, but I think you just assumed "blonde" meant hair or another word meaning hair and you couldn't make the distinction) I got the part about how he helps you with homework and you "pay him back". And I totally understood the part about how funny he is and how much you like his company. We all do. We all agree.

The best, best part of the whole thing though? Your teachers comments.

"It's a good idea to use periods, but not just anywhere you feel like it."


Love you and love you and love you,
Your old mom


mrs case said...

it still says "temporarily away" in your header even though (thankfull) you're still here!

i have a different take on charlie sheen. i, too, am sick of hearing about him but itis for different reasons. i am tired of people glorifying his behavior and making light of it simply because he is extremely wealthy. the fact is, he is an addict and he is suffering. maybe his suffering is infinitely more intolerable because of teh partying aspect, but as someone who has worked with addicts for many years, trust me that he is battling some inner demons the likes of which i hope to never know.

Misty said...

I love you... we could totally be real life friends. In fact, today, i pretty much really wish we were!


val said...

This made me laugh today.

Oh, and WHY do teachers do that, comment on irrelevant things, completely missing the point?

Oh gosh. love, Val

Boriqua said...

Great letters, and couldn't agree more with you about the whole CS/2 1/2 Men B.S. I'll never understand the appeal of that show.

Hope your prayers are answered soon, too.