Today? I want to have a baby.
I want to have a baby so much it makes me feel sick inside.
Logically, I'm not pregnant and thus will not be having a baby today. Even more logically, I really don't think that's ever going to be an option for me. Most logically of all? I don't know if it's the best thing for me.
If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that I've bitched about this particular subject for quite a few years. Before I had a blog, I bitched about it too. This is nothing new. I've felt like this for years. Years.
But it's also been okay for years too. Really. I've been at peace with myself, my issue, my problem for a really long time. The only other option was to go insane and frankly? I have crap to do. If it weren't for me? At least three people on this planet probably would never have dinner, ever. I don't have time to go insane.
I was so okay, in fact, that when I had a miscarriage this past January? I barely told anybody. What was to tell? I was pregnant and I lost the baby. Things happen. I didn't even really have time to process the fact that I was pregnant before I knew that I dropped that baby somewhere into the abyss. Somehow it didn't seem right to grieve something I wasn't expecting.
So I didn't.
Well, to be fair, I had a day or two of sobbing and feeling really sorry for myself. But other than that? I was fine. Totally fine.
Besides, having a baby right now didn't seem like a really smart idea anyway. I mean, The Boy and The Girl are almost thirteen. Would it be fair to them to bring another child into the house? I mean, they aren't the neediest people on the planet or anything, but they do have to have stuff like food and clothes and money for college. Also? I have so much to do every single day that I have literally no idea how I would be able to juggle one more thing. And a baby just doesn't seem like something you juggle. Unless you want the police to come to your house. Which I don't.
I would be an "older" mom, which seems so ridiculous I can barely stand it, but that's what all the articles on the internet say and God knows I have to listen to everything the damn internet says. The government is going to shut down in a few months according to someone (Fox News, probably) and where will that leave me? Up the proverbial poop creek with no paddle. No health insurance! Losing my house! Other assorted mayhem!
I told myself it all made sense. That I was okay.
Today? I'm not okay.
Today I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel like I wish I had a small little someone beside me who wasn't going to be out of the house in just a few years. I feel like life is really freaking unfair and part of the unfairness is that I blinked my eyes and suddenly my little babies are going to be thirteen. I didn't get to enjoy them being little because my stupid ex-husband left me and I had to work so much and I didn't have any money and it all just sucked so much.
I don't want a do-over. I would never want a do-over. I just wanted another chance. A chance to make it better. A chance to feel less scared and sad and overwhelmed. A chance to have a child, from the start, with a man who loves me and would love his child. Who wouldn't leave.
Today I grieve for that baby.
I didn't even realize how much I wanted her.
It's not really fine.