Monday, March 7, 2011

Things I wish I had the guts to say outloud.

1) It's not okay, not even a little bit, what you said to me when I told you I had a miscarriage. The only appropriate response would have been "I'm sorry". I don't need your personal issues clouding up my pain. I regret ever telling you, especially knowing that you told others when I asked you to keep it between us.

2) Also? Get some fracking therapy. For the love of God.

3) I think you made a horrible mistake. I think you're getting ready to make an even bigger one. I've tried to tell you, but you only hear what you want to hear. It makes me sad.

4) I can't help you anymore.

5) When you tell me your problems? I seriously want to stab you in the face. You have literally no idea how lucky you are and you don't appreciate anything. Jesus does not approve of you.

6) I really don't understand why you think you are so much better than me. I know I'm not great or anything, but really. You suck. Jesus also does not approve of you.

7) Everything out of your mouth is a lie. You're the douchiest of all the douchehats and I would be pretty ecstatic if I never had to see your lying ass ever again.

8) Please be there when I get there. You're the only one who is nice to me. You're the only one who listens to me. You're the only one I like.

9) Please love me. Please.

10) I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of telling the truth. I'm afraid of how much it's going to hurt.

11) I'm afraid.

12) I feel alone a lot of the time. I really don't like it, but I don't know how to fix it either.

13) I don't know what will happen when you go. All I know is when I think about it my throat closes up and I feel like I'm going to die. Like my heart is shattered.

14) You're wrong about me. You're wrong about a lot of things.

15) I would have been a great mom to you. I'm sorry every day that I didn't get that chance.

15 comments:

frannie said...

I love you.

val said...

I don't know what's going on, but it does not sound fun.

I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. Everything about miscarriage is dreadful, and the layers keep being revealed as you go, and that's awful too.

Sending a hug today. love, Val

Boriqua said...

It took serious guts just to write this, nevermind saying these things out loud. Stay strong, Stephanie!

Dawn said...

(((((((steffus)))))))

M said...

My heart is sad reading this. I hate that you are in so much pain and so many people cause you so much pain. I love you and miss you and wish I could wave a magic wand or at least throw a magic brick. <3

Zephyr said...

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Jenski said...

Some people don't get it. "Oh, I have this 'awful' thing going on too;" or, "I went through that too and no one helped me," don't help. I will keep sending healing thoughts your way and am still sorry to hear about your loss!

Jill said...

I'm sorry. People can be so sucky.

Misty said...

I think you are fabulous. Honestly. Every time I see you post on FB or your blog, I wish we were real life friends because honestly- you are fantastic.

I loved this post in the the way that one loves a sad, heart wrenching moment...

Cindy said...

I doubt that I've ever commented because I'm a total chicken shit, but I can relate to so much of what you're going through right now. I wish I could reach right through my computer and give you a huge hug because it really sounds like you need at least one.

Even though I've never met you, I think you're super duper brave for putting it all out there. You sound like a really freaking awesome lady who I have admired for a long time & "strong" doesn't even begin to describe you. I want to be you when I grow up... to be as open with my daughters as you are with your kids... to be as honest about my life (both the great & the shitty) as you are... to be honest with myself... to write as eloquently as you do... to remember that the shitty parts of life have made me who I am now... to be proud of the person I've become.

Bottom line... Infertililty sucks. Miscarriages suck harder. I'm just so sorry for your loss.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Oh, hon. I wish you could say those things, too. I wish that I could say them as well.

Much love.

diane rene said...

sending you hugs because words will never be enough ((♥HUGS♥))

justine said...

A lot of people suck. Even, unfortunately sometimes, our parents, who just don't get it, and say precisely the wrong things. My mother said something similarly stupid when I lost my pregancies ... I wish I could offer you something more than a hug, and a willing ear.

Meredith said...

In regards to being afraid of the hurt.... Sometimes we have to go through the pain to heal, and to appreciate the healing.

And sometimes, it's really just the unknown we fear. Once you're in it, you find it's not nearly as scary as you thought it would be.

krissie said...

In your last post, you left a link to a post of yours from 2008. I remember reading it and weeping. Because my husband and I are also one hell of a family. And I was sad for the children that wouldn't get to have us as parents. I lost a baby - our only baby - last summer. And when I read your post...I have no words, my sweet friend. No words.

I'm afraid, too. The other day I was a weepy mess in my kitchen and the only words I could get out to my husband is that I was scared. Of so many things.

I don't know everything you are going through. But what I do know is that I have read you for a long time and I have always admired your bravery and your candor and your ability to put words to feelings I didn't even know I have.

You have a lot of people out here that haven't met you that want the best for you. That pray for you. That laugh when you type "asshat."

I wish you peace. Sooner than later. Knowing that it will come in His time.