Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Not positive

I was feeling pretty good on Saturday.

I was going to Virginia for a party to celebrate my amazing grandma's 80th birthday. I was wearing capri pants that actually fit. On the tag of said capri pants is a number that begins with a 1. The shirt I wanted to wear wasn't quite dry, but the one I did wear looked cute and also had a tag on which the first number was a 1. It was going to be a good day.

And it was a good day. My grandma enjoyed her birthday party. I enjoyed visiting with everyone, especially my sweet cousins that I don't see very often. My parents were in rare form and posed for absolutely hilarious fish-face pictures (you know...that face that most teenage girls make in all of their Facebook photos). I came home feeling generally positive about life. My husband and I had a really nice talk on Saturday night regarding my new book during which he was extremely supportive and kind and loving and encouraging. I felt freaking GREAT after that.

That was until I saw pictures of the event. Then? I cried.

Because I've lost 92lbs. NINETY-TWO FRACKING POUNDS. Which is big and large and huge and actually an accomplishment. And in every picture? *I* was big and large and huge. I felt sick and ashamed and horrible. Just horrible.

How can it be that I've lost that much weight and I'm still fat as holy Hell? How can it be that? How can it be that I've worked this hard and still continue to work this hard and I'm still not even close to who I want to be?

I've said before that I never understood why everyone cries and acts all crazy on The Biggest Loser, but I'm starting to get it. It's taken me so long and I'm still so, so far away.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl, you'll get there. There's no doubt in my mind. Until then, you need to know that you look perfect to me. Perfect.

Allison von Anonymous

Ms. Marsha said...

Ooooooh, girl! Can I sooooo identify with this! So totally frustrating. I have lost 78 pounds since last summer, am down into the "sizes that start with a 1", feel sexy as heck. Until, last week, I saw a horrible and recent picture of me in the paper-I looked HUGE. Still like a beached whale. Grrr.

I am so proud of you for the weight you've lost. It is NOT easy, I KNOW that. I am still fighting to keep my weight in the "numbers that start with 1" range. But look at it this way. We both? Look good. Damn good.

Heart ya', girl. You are AWESOME!

Little Red Hen said...

Oh sweetie! You have worked so hard, and you have come so far! I wish I was there to hug you right now. Maybe try looking at some pictures before you lost said 92 lbs? You'll see the difference! Every time I see you in person I can tell that you've lost more weight (and if I don't tell you that each time, it's because I suck)!
*hugs*

Kenny said...

Pull out pictures of yourself before you lost the 90+ pounds and compare the two. Then you will be able to see the difference

Lydia said...

Sweetie, you are beautiful and you have done great with your weight loss. You look awesome and your still loosing weight, focus on your goal and go back and look at past pictures, may help you to feel better. Love you.

cuteellaisbold said...

I get so disheartened too and it sucks. Also, I'm told that sometimes even though I'm LOOKING at the now me, I'm SEEING the old me. It's hard.

I am so thrilled for you that you've done such a great job. Keep working at it.

Misty said...

far away, but closer... I have no idea what it feels like to even lose 50 lbs because, for whatever reason, my body won't let me. I need to. I need to lose 92. 102. 152... but my body won't work with me...
all of that to say, maybe you aren't there yet- but you are so much closer...

Jenski said...

You are amazing for losing almost 100 pounds?!?! I hope you find that wonderful pre-picture viewing feeling.

Lauren said...

Shut up!!! You are so freaking awesome for having lost 92 fracking pounds..that is AMAZING!! Regardless of how you perceive yourself, that is an amazing accomplishment and makes you a beautiful person. So tell that girl who see's you as anything else to CAN IT!

val said...

http://lynnsweigh.blogspot.com/

I think I've told you about my friend who lost almost 170 pounds. You've lost NINETY-TWO POUNDS! You're in the homestretch now. It's only going to get better and better.

I understand you're discouraged, but I'm so admiring of how you have stuck with it and done so much.

I included the link to my friend's blog--as several years have gone on in maintaining her new weight, the blog isn't always just about weight loss, but she's a very cool woman.

Be proud, Girl. At any weight, gorgeous, funny, insightful, all kinds of things that can't be measured in numbers.

love, Val

SJ said...

Oh sweetie! You look fantastic to me, and 92lbs?! WOW, that's inspiring girl! Be proud of where you are, how far you've come.

Use those photos as motivation to keep at it - you will achieve your goal, I know you will because you are already kicking so much ass!

Much love to you - and support. You are beautiful, just remember that.

Zephyr said...

Can you look at pictures of you BEFORE you lost the 92 lbs? Because sometimes I think we forget how we used to look, and see ourselves just as we are now. Perhaps if you could see that huge progress you've already made, it would show you that a few bad pictures don't minimize that.

For the record, 92 pounds is freaking amazing.

Karen said...

Look at that beautiful picture of you up at the top of your blog. NOT fat as holy hell. Believe me, 92 lbs. is an amazing accomplishmnt. Amazing. Never doubt that. I am so envious of your 92 lb. weight loss. So envious. Great job, Stephanie. Honestly. Don't look ahead and how far you still need to go, look behind and see how far you've come. Take it one day at a time. You are an amazing woman. You completely rock! :)

JenniferA said...

Cameras are just bastards and if they catch anyone at the wrong angle they make you look bad. Cameras = bad. You = awesome.

M said...

I can attest that you look AMAZING and did before and do now. So you're a work in progress on where you want to be. Think how much more amazing you feel. Think how gorgeous you really are.

Even if cameras are ass holes. I've only lost about 20 pounds since last summer. yet if I start to feel like shit? I pull up a pic of last year. And last year? I looked 20 pounds fatter. So I may still be a fucking cow? But I'm LESS of a cow. and that's fantastic.

And I'm so proud of you. I had no idea how far your lost pounds has gotten!!! I remember how hard you were struggling in the beginning to make those numbers move and look at them go. You are amazing. Even if cameras are evil.

Love you. Lots.

Tarasview said...

I understand. I've lost 35 pounds (this time) and I still look like a fat cow. It is depressing and makes me want to quit because it took me FOREVER to lose those stinking 35 lbs and the thought that I still have at least 40 to go makes me want to weep.

Hence why I ate Haagen Daas this weekend.

Twice.

I think you look great though- I think we are always harder on ourselves than others are :)

CPA Mom said...

I certainly get it with seeing photos of yourself. I think I've GAINED 92 lbs. I've not seen a pair of pants with a 1 at the beginning in 20 years. You rock, no matter your weight. You know that, I know that, it's just hard to accept with size zeros all around us.