Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Open Letters: November-blows-so-far-edition!

Dear Facebook "friend",

Okay, I totally get that sometimes you have to promote yourself. If I am being honest, the whole reason I created a Facebook page was because it was strongly suggested by my publisher. Before Facebook I had a MySpace page for like twenty minutes and decided that the level of personal knowledge I was obtaining about my former high-school classmates was just a bit much for me, so I shut that down. With quickness.

Turns out I really do like Facebook. I like having an imaginary farm. I like connecting with my hilarious cousins that I rarely get to see. I really very much enjoy stalking that one boy who was extra mean to me in high school when I had a crush on him, emailing his pictures to my friends and laughing at him behind his back. Because that's fun. I don't care who you are.

Sadly, I don't like everything about Facebook. Part of what I don't like? You.

I know you gotta hustle and I totally respect that. Honest. But when every. single. post is about what you are selling? Well, it sort of makes me want to stab you in your face.

Write this down on a piece of paper:


Every time you think about posting something? Read that piece of paper.

Then read it again.

Because you know who cares about what you are selling? NO ONE. THAT'S WHO.

Bless your heart, no one has ever taught you how to be subtle. Here's some help:

Try to post things that are not stupid.
No one cares.
If anyone wanted to buy what you are selling? They would have already done so.

Hope this helps!

Dear Sanctimommy:

I know how much you enjoy micromanaging every single aspect of your husband's life, even though it disgusts and horrifies everyone around you. He's an adult and can do whatever he wants, though, and if he chooses to continue to be married to someone who treats him like he only has four brain cells, well, more power to him. Clearly he's getting something out of it and even if that something is a harpy bitch, it's still his choice to make. Maybe he likes harpy bitches. Some guys do, I guess. Hell, some guys pay this really obese woman on the internet to eat while they watch via webcam, so I guess there really is something out there for everyone.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes. You suck.

You have a child and I'll admit that from the moment you announced your pregnancy, I was rather alarmed about the possibility of you being someones mother...until I saw some of your recent Facebook posts.

Admittedly, I'm not great at math. But what I do know is: Toddlers+ Micromanagement= No Bueno.

So! Good luck with all that bitchiness and repressed anger!


Dear Jason,

Oh hon, I just adore you. I really find you and almost everything you say to be completely fascinating and that's not even that much of a lie. I really could listen to your stories for the rest of my life. That's why I married you and also part of the reason why I haven't left nor maimed you at any point in the last twelve or so years.

As much as I enjoy hearing every single thought in your head? You need to understand that not everyone else does. For example, every doctor you have met in the past few weeks has been horrified by your extreme over-sharing. I'm not kidding.

If you are unsure if this is happening, please pay attention to the doctors face when you are talking. If they look bemused, annoyed, or frightened? It's too much. They really don't need to know that you have veneers put on when you were 20. Really. They don't care.


Dear Universe,

Please stop kicking my ass.

I'll be nicer. Pinky swear.

Okay, I'll try to be nicer.

I promise.


Love and Hugs,


Beth said...

....and that right there is the reason I refuse to have a Facebook page. I tweet, I blog, and that's enough. Glorified stalking is just not my thing, I guess.

Love the open letters!

M said...

fuck nice. it's overrated. ;)

and tell Jason I care. I overshare too. it's an illness. We can get over it. maybe. ;)

Zephyr said...

Some of us are "open books". It's just who we are, veneers and all. I think I would like Jason as much as I like you. :)