Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Open Letters: What?!-None-Since-November?-Edition

Dear person I actually care about but have a hard time tolerating lately,

If there is one thing I've learned by being a writer and sort-of a blogger it's this:

What is interesting to you? Is often not interesting to others.

I absolutely love certain posts that I write. They are very meaningful and powerful to me and I write them with certainty that they will be meaningful and powerful to others. Generally, I get three comments on those posts and two of them are from people with weird names asking me if I'm satisfied with the size of my penis.

I write a short little piece of nothing about how some dude at the park mooed at me or some other nonsense about how fat I am and I get twenty comments and eleven emails from people telling me how much they enjoyed it.

Go figure.

I am not complaining, honestly. It's just the way things are and what I am trying very hard to help you understand.

If you talk about the same thing forever no one cares anymore. Seriously, have you noticed that when we start talking and you change the subject to your current obsession I always change the subject back to something that isn't idiotic? It's because I don't care.

I care about you. I care about many things that are important to you. I do not care about your freaky and stupid hobby.

It's okay to be passionate about something. I just wish you were passionate about something that actually mattered. Like your children or your marriage or whatever happened to that kid that played Parker Lewis.

Anyway, I love you. Really. Even if I don't like to talk to you.


Dear oranges,

I find you delightful.

Thanks for that.


Dear my friend,

Honestly, I'm so bummed.

Because you know? I really thought we had a lot in common. I thought we were a lot alike. But lately I'm realizing that's just really not the case.

Not that we have to be exactly alike. Most of my friends are very different than me. We all make different life choices, you know? Most of us just get to the point that it's no longer important what we drove or wore in high school and become real, honest friends with the people who really get us, even if they're fifteen years older or younger than we are, even if they are single or not, even if they have their PhD and I'm a big dumbass. Even then.

I'm starting to think that we are too different. It scares me and it makes me sad.

Because honey? When you make the decisions that you make? It doesn't just affect you. And the only person you are thinking about? Is you.

I swear, I really try hard not to judge people other than John Edwards, but honestly. You can't just go through life living like you are still single and in your twenties. You aren't.

I say this as gently and kindly as I possibly can.

You need to grow up.

I love you friend,

Dear horrible person who is actually not John Edwards and is someone else,

I was raised to never hate anyone because Jesus doesn't approve and all, but honestly? I think Jesus would give me a pass on this one.

You are a despicable, horrible human being.

Listen, I know what you're trying to do. It's not going to work. Not to sound all Tony Sopranoish or anything, but seriously. It's not going to work. Don't even bother trying. You're just going to lose.


Dear Husband,

I love you and your face and therefore have decided I'm really not all that upset with you for giving me a pair of pajamas pants that are literally five sizes too large for Christmas. It's okay.

I was thinking about this last night as I put on said pajama pants. They were very warm and cozy. It made me think about you and how much I love you and also about that one time, many years ago, that you decided you were going to buy me some lacy underthings and you unfortunately made this decision without knowing what size I wore at that time. You then went to the store and when the salesgirl asked, "Well, does she have my shape?" you responded, "Oh no! She has a much nicer shape than you" and were then very surprised and saddened about how the salesperson responded. That was funny enough, but then later that night you asked me if you could take my measurements and I just thought, "Good Lord, this is the weirdest guy ever. Good thing he's adorable" and let you do it. Because you are the most charming person I've ever met and also because that's just kind of the way it is between you and me.

I really like how it is between you and me.

Love you,


Dawn said...

I love you and I love your open letters.


I think you are wonderful and I hate it when you are bummed. I also think kids and husband are sweet and I envy you for having any children since i never was able.
Best wishes forever, Nancy

Principled Slut said...

I wish I could hire you to write letters to a few people I know. Seriously, you could make a career of this. (And I love your letters to your husband. You are so sweet together).

Bethany said...

I'm a crappy commenter lately. Sorry.

I really like the letter to Jason.