Thursday, March 29, 2012

I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend...

I'm tired.

I'm tired of questions I don't have answers for.

I'm tired of my dads cancer. I want it to go away and never come back. Instead it stays and rears it's ugly, stupid head. I can't get things like weight loss to stay and be consistent. Only horrible things. Scary things.

I'm tired of the water here. I can't even wash my hair the same. My hair is pretty much my only redeeming feature.

I'm tired of walking into the grocery store and feeling a gigantic sense of panic. I don't know where anything is. It's alarming. I used to be good at groceries. In and out and back home in thirty minutes. Now I just wander.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of missing my friends. Of feeling out of place. I'm more tired of my kids feeling shunned, alone, and sad. I'm tired of wondering if I've screwed up their lives by displacing them.

I'm tired of missing my radio station, my park, and recycling cart.

I'm tired of feeling lonely. Tired of wishing that a great house made everything else great too. Tired of most everything, including myself.

I'm just tired.


val said...

Sending hugs. Moving is difficult, even when it is a good move. love, Val

Christina Berry said...

If it helps, I'd say that what you're going through is typical for anyone who just picked up and moved their entire life and family to a new state.

I also think in time, things will start to fit. It's probably not even fair to think it would feel good this soon.

You guys are in my prayers, now and always.

perdido said...

it will get better and no you have not screwed up their lives - this move is actually an experience that will help them grow and develop skills to adjust to new situations - next year this time they will be just fine and so will you. You will know that grocery store sideways and backwards. I promise. yes, it's hard and it hurts but all growing does! hugs!!!

(ps the house is TOTALLY worth it - I'm so jealous!!!)

CPA Mom said...

I didn't know the kids were having a hard time...bullies? Moving across the country like that is hard! Give yourself a break lady. All will be well. I promise.

Little Red Hen said...

Moving is a terrifying ordeal that doesn't get easier overnight. You'd think the horror of it all would be over as soon as you finish unloading the truck...but, no.

You did the right thing by moving...and this is coming from one of your friends who misses you very much. I'd be lying if I said I thought you shouldn't have moved. Everything about that move will turn out for the better once things have settled (and man, that house has to be one awesome perk).

Also, I totally do miss you...WMC! (Admit it, that at least made you smile.)


Anonymous said...

You have absolutely earned the right to be tired.... in every way. And once you have a chance to work through the exhaustion and then see all the good around you, and regroup, then you can put on your big girl panties... But until then we are glad you are here to express the concerns 'cause it would be unnatural if you weren't feeling this way. Take a break.. focus on what you need for a moment.. Breathe.

lisa said...

I am so sad and sorry things are hard for you right now. Your blogs and stories have brought me such joy over the last few years. You are very strong and so is you family so I know you will feel better soon. Oh, and the dimples...another redeeming quality...if we are talking physical.

Bexterrific said...

Oh honey...come and see me soon. Pretty please? I love you.

Robyn said...

I haven't commented in a long long time, but this tore at me for some reason. We moved around a lot as kids, and it sucked and I hated it. But I now know that in doing so, my parents were only doing what was best for our family.

Your kids are superstars and will overcome this little obstacle! You will settle in and be comfortable with everything in your life, it just takes time. Even if it was something we know we needed, an adjustment period is always needed for the adults and the kids. I know it sounds stupid, but it will work out, just give it some time!

All the best to you and your family!

Dawn said...

(((HUGS)) to you - I hope things get easier for you and your sweeties.