Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Tonight I held a new baby. My nephew. He was so small and so sweet.

It made me happy.

He is wonderful. He has wonderful parents. I want nothing more than for him to have a wonderful life.

Tonight I miss my grandma. She would love the new baby too. She would always say, "You don't have to take a picture of me with the baby!" (whoever the baby was at the time) because she knew. Oh, she knew that we were so afraid that every time we saw her would be the last. She lived a long, beautiful life. An amazing life. I am so blessed that she was part of mine.

Tonight I miss my Aunt Deb. My niece reminds me of her. Something about her little face. The sweetness of her little face. I miss my Aunt Deb and I'm so sad that the world didn't get to have her for just a little longer. That her sons and daughters didn't get to have her for just a little longer. That all of us didn't get to have her. I am so sad and so sorry that I didn't see her towards the end. I wanted to remember her as lovely and funny and laughing...I didn't want to see her in pain. Now I wish every day of my life that I had just got to hold her hand one more time. I hope she forgives me for my stupid, selfish fear. I hope she knows that every day of my life I think about her. I think about her kids and pray for them. I hope she knows that she meant so much to me. Not just to me, but to everyone who knew her.

Tonight I feel kind of sad. I feel kind of lonely. I feel a lot overwhelmed.

Tonight I feel like you can know in your heart that eventually things will come around and be right, but it's just so hard and frustrating when you're mired down in the very moments you have to live. When you miss your friends. When there is still a stack of boxes sitting around you and you're just so tired. So, so tired.

Tonight my husband is working and my house is quiet, for now. I'm working, trying to stay a little bit ahead. There are other things I could be doing I guess, but somehow it's easier to just work. So I don't think about how quiet the house is and how much more quiet is will be in just a few short years. So I don't think about how I can't write anymore...how I want so much to write and finish something and have something good and creative and positive in my life instead of being paralyzed with fear over doing what I love. So that tape of my failures that Garth Brooks used to sing about stops playing in my head. So that I stop thinking about how very short these years are and how I wish I hadn't wasted one single second of any of them worrying about any of the petty, stupid stuff that doesn't even matter anyway. How I wish, every single day, that I could just have them some of that time back. Maybe not all of it. But some. Just a few moments. So I could read a book to my son instead of getting an IM from him from upstairs. So I could buy my daughter the purple tu-tu. So I could give my Aunt Deb a big hug and tell her how much I love her. So I could take a picture of my grandma holding baby Walt.

That's what I'm doing tonight.