Monday, April 9, 2012

500 miles

I keep waiting to go home.

I keep thinking things like, "When we go back to Knoxville, I'll..." Take you to Big Ed's Pizza. Go for a walk around the greenway surrounding Ijams with my friend Breanna and her son Ethan. Email my sons language arts teacher about the books he's enjoying these days, largely because of her influence. Talk my feelings over with Big Jim. Have lunch with my girlfriends. Go to the Kroger that I know like the back of my hand. Not feel like this anymore.

Knoxville wasn't any more home to me than this little town in Eastern, NC is. If it was ever really home, I would have never wanted to leave. I get that. There is probably also something profound which could be said about how home is where your heart is, or some other such something. I know Knoxville wasn't home. I know Tennessee wasn't home.

It was familiar though, and I am missing familiarity right now.

I keep trying to remind myself that it wasn't always so familiar. That at one point I had to learn my way around, had to meet new people and make new friends. That everything wasn't all sunshine and peaches and that there were a lot of very valid reasons that living there did not make sense. That there are a lot of very valid reasons that living here does make sense. The least of which is my house, which in case I haven't mentioned recently, I might be in love with.

There's a problem though and I'm pretty I know what it is.

Because being in a different place changed everything. Except me.


Little Red Hen said...

I miss you so bad, WMC!!!!!

But, if it helps:
~your crazy ass neighbors that you used to have.
~driving on I-40 or Pellissippi at any given time of day (let alone rush hour).
~living in fear that you'll run in to certain ex-co-workers (or is that just me?).
~NOT having the house you have now.
~NOT having the yard you have now.
~NOT being close to your dad-o.

Seriously, I love you, and I pray things get easier soon. <3

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling. Oh, do I ever know the feeling! I hope it passes for you SOON.

P Flooers said...

Hello there,

My heart goes out to you. Moving is hard. I've been told not to judge a new place for two years. Which seems absurdly long, but my experience has born out the wisdom. It takes about two years to really get to know a place.

If it helps at all, I'm in NC too. And I love a gal who knows how to cuss. Plus, us southern sisters have to stick together. I'm sorry you're having a hard time but have some ((((hugs)))), a virtual glass of iced tea, and my assurance it will all get better. At least you're still in the south! Changing cultures is harder than changing locations. (I had to move to Texas once--not-the-south!)

P Flooers

perdido said...

it will get better. :)

bookmark this post and I guarantee by this time next year you will feel a lot better about the move

Christina Berry said...

Somehow I get what you're saying here.

We lived in our first house for 12 years. It was supposed to be a "starter house" for a couple of years. I couldn't WAIT to move out of it.

We lived about a year in an apartment before we moved into our dream house, where we've been for 6 years.

The dream house? Has NEVER really felt like home.

I miss that crappy "starter house".

Heck, that apartment felt more like home than this "dream house".

I do think it'll get better for you, but if I'm any indication, it may never feel like "home".

I wonder why that is.

Anonymous said...

I don't want you to change:) I enjoy your raw wit, your off the road thought processes, your ability to put yourself on paper! And that you share the good and the bad! I sympathize with the adjusting you have to go through. I only moved as a child with no choice in the matter...8 times.. it is part of who I am...As an adult all 4 moves have been at least partly my choice and never far from the familiar.. you are a wise person and you will adapt as needed... keep blogging as you'll want these thoughts recorded for later.