Thursday, September 6, 2012

I'm not mad.

So as is often the case with, you know, life, things are not exactly going the way I hoped.

Nothing is terrible or anything. I still have a job and having a job is good. I have these really cool kids who started High School (and are absolutely LOVING IT, thank you beautiful 8lb baby Jesus). I have a great house, a mostly great spouse, and my dog? I freaking love my dog. She's my bff for real, even though she's disgusting and I often call her derogatory names. She thinks "butthole" is a term of endearment. She's a dog. It's fine.


Feeling a little depressed. Feeling a little lonely. Wondering what I've gotten myself into.

Also? Teen Mom is over. I'm sad I won't see Butch anymore.


Let's have a moment of silence for that, at least.

I know we'll all miss those sweet neck tattoos. I know.

The rest of it I guess is just life. I'm trying. I can't fix anything or anyone and I need to remind myself of that frequently. I can't make every recipe I find on Pinterest either. Sad. But just life.

I don't know how to stop being jealous, even though I know it's the stupidest stupid that ever was stupid. In case it's not obvious, I've totally forgotten how to write. I'm actually not sure I've ever known how. I want to walk but it's still 90 freaking degrees and then it storms. I would eat less if food would just stop being so freaking delicious.

But I'm not mad.

People ask me frequently if I'm mad. I guess I just look mad. But I'm not mad.

I've had a headache since 2004. I never, ever, EVER get enough sleep. I worry endlessly. I am frequently lonely. So very many people are ignorant and uninformed and need to be punched in their faces and, in the immortal words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Still. Not mad.

Exhausted. Discouraged. Not heard. Still have no idea how to pose in pictures. Irritated by many. Inordinately fascinated by bad television. Seeking and searching for...something. Not even sure what it is, but I know it's something.

I don't know how else to be.

I just know no one can be happy all the time. Or funny all the time. Or anything all the time, really.  That sometimes I just have to sit still and accept what it is. Whatever it is. Even if I don't like it.

Everything happens for a reason and I know that. I have to remind myself of that all the time too. I do know it though. I believe it.

I can't be mad. I'm right where I'm supposed to be.


Nicole said...

Hey Steph! Long time no chat.

I love that you call your dog butthole.

I call my cat butthead. :)

Also, in a weak attempt to elevate your TV diet, do you ever watch Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show? He's the only person on TV who literally makes me howl with laughter. I shudder to imagine what the neighbors think...

I sympathize with the whole "forgotten how to write" thing. I've begun to despair of ever being able to write passable fiction. At least you have a book under your belt - which makes you an object of envy for me!

Many, many hugs,

Tarasview said...

you and me? possibly long lost siblings separated at birth... because we have surprisingly similar thought patterns considering we live thousands of miles away from each other and I am Canadian and all.

And also? What is WITH the headache that NEVER goes away??

herewegokids said...

You'll probably think this is ridiculous, but have you ever been to a mass at a Catholic church? And really, like, entered into it? I have always had that searching, homeless feeling inside of me until I began attending church in a place I grew up being taught was not even listed in the category of 'Christian'. I LOVE it. I've found my spiritual home. The presence of God is so palpable, and so healing. Maybe you could try it! :) <3

Steph said...

Interestingly enough, the Catholic church is something I've been seriously considering lately. I've been unable to find an appropriate church home in my area. My husband grew up Episcopalian and moved away from that a few years ago when he and I were dating (he eventually became a Baptist, which is what I've always been), but lately? I've been thinking about it. A lot. A lot, a lot.

Karen said...

So, basically, you're normal. :)

Misty said...

Can relate to so much of this... Maybe it's just a non-mad (but otherwise entirely crappy) life season...