1) There is a Stupid Lottery. You won!
2) So. You've been whining for years about what you want. You finally got exactly what you want. You are still whining. Please shut up now.
3) If he were my husband? I would have left him a long time ago. Like before the marriage.
4) If you were my husband? You'd have to unzip your pants to brush your teeth.
5) It's really cool how super critical you are of me when your own life is crap. Congrats on being a pious douche.
6) It's really not possible for someone to be as much of a tool as you are, is it? I'd like to continue having hope for humanity.
7) You can see my face and yet you keep talking. Interesting.
8) Cool story! Except no one cares.
9) We all know you just married him for the money.
10) DO. IT. YOUR. SELF.
(You all didn't know it was possible to be more snarky than I already am, did you? I'm full of surprises)