Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Open Letters: I'm-sick-and-I-can't-get-anyone-to-give-a-crap edition!

Dear husband,

I love you.

I know you already know this. However, you might not know that but for this? Your likelihood of having been stabbed in the neck 411 times with a steak knife would be exponentially higher.

My average time spent sleeping in the last three weeks? Four hours and eleven minutes. Per evening. I don't care, no I don't, if you think that four hours per night is a perfectly acceptable amount of time spent sleeping. It's not for me. Quite frankly, it's not for you either as you conveniently forget to add in the amount of time spent pushing the snooze button on your alarm clock to your total time spent sleeping. Which is, in case you weren't already aware of this, like an hour every single morning.

You are not entirely at fault for my lack of sleep. I'm under a great deal of stress in every aspect of my life. However, your snoring? Not helping. Not even a little. In fact your snoring has pushed me to the point that I actively fantasized about grabbing your face, holding it down, putting my butt next to it, and cutting the biggest, loudest, longest fart ever known to man. IN YOUR FACE. SO YOU WILL SUFFER. As you know, this is not something I would normally do, as I generally dislike for you to even be in the master bedroom whilst I am in the master bathroom. This is the point to which I have been pushed.

Also? When I hear you standing in the kitchen eating the chips? And I come into the kitchen while you are shoveling in said chips? And you say to me, "I don't like these chips"? You are so, so lucky that I am not a violent woman. Here's a clue; If you don't like the chips? DON'T EAT THEM. SAVE THEM FOR THE CHILDREN FOR WHOM THEY WERE PURCHASED. Problem solved.

Finally? No, I don't want to clean out the closet. I'm perfectly fine with the current state of affairs in the closet. And if you insist upon dragging random crap out of the closet and leaving it in the middle of the bedroom floor until I "feel up to looking at it", then you might as well just get used to stepping over that mess. Because there is no time ever in the history of time that I am going to be addressing that nonsense.

Again. I love you. I have to keep reminding myself of this today, but it is true.

Your wife

Dear jerkface who takes passive aggressive swipes at me constantly,

I'm really sorry that you have no one in your life who loves you. Perhaps you should look into the fact that you are a huge asshole? I think that might be a major part of your problem.


Dear customer,

No, sorry. I can't do everything you asked me to do five minutes ago. Despite what your mama and perhaps your salesperson led you to believe? You aren't special. You have to wait your turn like everyone else and unfortunately? There are only twenty-four hours in a day.


Dear friend,

I love you. I really wish you'd think twice before doing what you're planning on doing.


Dear everybody who unfriended me recently on Facebook,

Sorry if my opinions about not judging people who take or have taken government benefits offended you so much that you felt the need to unfriend me.

Okay, I lied.

I'm not sorry.

Love anyway,


Misty said...

What????? Seriously? Who needs FB (or otherwise) friends like them then anyway. Ridiculous!

Jamie said...

I totally get all of it. The reason I comment? Seriously--you were UNFRIENDED for the post about govt benes? SERIOUSLY? Well. EFF 'em. SERIOUSLY. Love.

Lisa in NJ said...

I thought your writing on the benes was perfect, well put and spot on. I know many people who have been there and done that. I love that piece you wrote.