It's getting closer and closer to the end of 2013. This means I've been thinking about goals for 2014. Not resolutions, though. I break those.
One of the main things that keeps coming to my head when I think about who I want to be is my constant apologizing. I apologize for everything, all the time. Here's a perfect example:
Rude, difficult client sends me a huge pile of crap to input. It is in no way appropriate for input. It's a mess. It's horrible. I have to spend hours upon hours just getting it to the point where I can load it.
Instead of being appreciative of my efforts, client sends me a rude email demanding to know why this isn't already done. He sent the initial load of crap on Friday at 4:30pm. The second rude, demanding email was sent on Monday.
So what do I do?
I apologize. Tell him I'm still working on it.
What do I not do?
Tell him that if he didn't send me a huge load of crap the whole process would go a whole lot faster. Oh and also, while he was at it, could he please kiss the fattest part of my ass?
No, I seriously wouldn't say that. I value having a job and being able to pay the mortgage and feed the children and junk like that.
But what I could have said, and what I should have said was, "Please send me the information in the appropriate format and I'd be glad to load it for you." I didn't. I took it, dealt with it, and then apologized for not working the entire weekend. I seriously did.
I want to kick myself in my own teeth for that.
I shouldn't apologize for his mess. I also shouldn't apologize for other people not doing their jobs, which causes me to be unable to do mine. It's not my fault and I have got to stop taking the blame for it. I'm losing sleep and that's just not cool.
I'm not apologizing anymore because you don't get along with your kids and I do get along with mine. I'm not going to try to convince you that my kids get along and don't fight. If you don't believe me, that's your issue. Not mine. I'm actually sorry, truly sorry, if you are having trouble with your kids. That part of my being sorry isn't going to change, I'm not having trouble with my kids. Someday, I might be. If I am, I'll be honest about it. Right now, I'm not. I like my kids. I like them a lot. They are good kids. They aren't out drinking and getting high. If you don't believe that, you are wrong. If you are worried about that with your kids, perhaps you should address that with them, instead of trying to convince me how wrong I am about my own kids.
I'm not apologizing anymore for not being thin enough, or perfect enough, or any of the other stupid "enoughs" I've been apologizing for since I was like twenty. I'm not thin. I probably never will be. That's okay. I'm still going to exercise, I'm still going to try to eat the right things. If my exercising offends you, piss off. If my ordering a salad makes you roll your eyes, keep on rolling them. I'm not doing it for you and I'm not apologizing to you because you make different choices and/or you look better. Better is subjective anyway.
I'm not going to apologize for my marriage because your marriage didn't work out. I know how much it sucks to have a marriage fail. Mine is not failing and I'm working hard to ensure it doesn't. I'm sure you worked hard too. Things happen. It's not my fault though.
I'm not going to apologize for being intelligent, for earning money, for having nice things. I work hard and I'm incredibly blessed, and both of those things are okay. Even if you aren't in the same position right now, they are still okay. I have been in bad spots before and I got out. I believe you can too and I will help you do so if possible. But I won't apologize that I'm not where you are.
I won't say I'm sorry for my political feelings, my religious beliefs, or who I donate my money or time to. Those are my decisions. If you make different decisions, that's okay. I'm not apologizing for mine though. (Or throwing them in your face or ranting about them on various social media. I believe in keeping my specific feelings on these subjects a bit more private. Just cause.)
I want to be good enough.
I've spent a whole lot of years trying to figure out what that means. I still don't know.
All I know, is that I'm not sorry for who I am. Sometimes, I've been sorry for some of the decisions that have led me here. That's okay. The point is, I'm here. This is where I live, this is the work I do, this is how I look, and this is who I am.
I'm not sorry for how hard I work, for how much I love, for never giving up, for having great kids, and for maybe being a little too obsessed with my dog.
So I'm going to stop apologizing for it.