Sunday, December 29, 2013

So. What do you want to do?

Since this year is almost over I have been thinking about what I want to do next year. I don't want to think about this. I hate this kind of thing. Mostly I hate it because a lot of what I plan to do relies on other people and I can't get anyone to do anything I want, no matter how much I beg, plead, cry, whine, or speak reasonably and responsibly. It's like I'm the most invisible fat-ass you've ever encountered. It's kind of amazing.

I've been trying to focus more on myself and making myself better and not worrying about other jerkfaces, but it's hard you guys. It's really hard. When jerkfaces way outnumber the sane, decent people it makes it really difficult for anyone who is trying to be on the good side. Even the "trying" part is more difficult, because when people repeatedly disrespect you, ignore you, and just do what they want and then demand you suffer the consequences along with them? Well, you kind of want to stop trying to be a nice person and instead want to be the type of person who stabs people in their face. Repeatedly. 

I'm not quite sure how to fix this. You can say, "I'm going to stop letting people walk all over me", but how, exactly, does one do that? No, I'm serious. How do you do that?

Let's barely make up an example here (I say barely because I'm fairly certain this is exactly how this scenario would play out):

Customer is rude and abusive. 
I ignore customers rude and abusive behavior because it's insane.
Customer does not resign their contract and complains about me to a salesperson who has no idea what's going on because the customer for some reason thinks that salesperson is my superior.
I am looked at negatively and/or reprimanded.

Here's another:

I'm fat.
I walk many miles every single day, despite this (also, the fat doesn't seem to change, despite this, which is infuriating on so many levels that it makes me want to cry. But whatever. I plod onward)
Dude in my neighborhood loudly makes fun of me for being fat, while I am walking.
No one does anything because apparently because I'm fat I don't deserve any respect. 

I don't know how to make these things okay. I'm not a stupid person, despite how I sometimes act. I'm really not. I still can't figure this out though.

It's other things too, and other people. I will sound like the oldest old fart that ever farted when I say this, but seriously. When did people become so lazy? And so entitled? And such buttholes? And so unconcerned about anything that's real? I cannot tell you how many times in the last year I've wondered why people get so infuriated about things like television shows and what some overpaid actor had to say when there are so many children who don't get enough to eat. Right here in America. It's...amazing. Not in a good way.

I am the only person I can change. I get this, really. I know this. I also know that even if I change myself, it's really going to be obscenely difficult to not get angry about the people who don't want to change. Thus, my dilemma. 

I'm doing things like looking up Zumba classes online, and plotting how many miles I can walk next year. Researching recipes and making lists of what's in my pantry so I'll know what I need. Getting organized. Cleaning up my desk. 

It's not enough. 

This year, for some reason, it feels even more like "not enough" than ever before.


Theresa said...

How do you stop letting people walk all over you? Say "no" more often, don't listen to "them" as often, do what YOU know is right. Does it work all the time, every time? No. But that's okay. Even knocking one bad person/instance away is dealing with one less. But, it doesn't always work, as I said. And that is okay too. Makes you human.

I've been thinking about focusing on myself more too, and on being healthier and getting my family healthier. Living longer that is. Being HAPPIER. But I don't know how. There is so much crap out there, I don't know how. And I don't know how to let myself laugh more. We'll see.

I want to ask you something though. Why do you say it's not enough? Why do you have to go above and beyond what you've already been thinking about and have written? Can't it be written throughout the year? Does it all have to be thought and planned out now?

Anonymous said...

What kind of low life sub-human makes fun of you and calls you fat as you walk through your neighborhood?!?!

I know it hurts, but ya know the first thing I thought of when I read this is "wow, what a sad life that guy has." I mean, he's putting YOU down, acting like a bully, and why? It can only be because it somehow makes him feel better about his own craptastic life. As far as I can tell, HE's the loser in this scenario.

Keep moving forward, that's what I always say. Even when it's hard and trudging forward feels like wading in quick sand. I don't know what else we can do.

Melissa said...

Send me the jerk's address, and I'll write a letter. Really.

dspence said...

UGH. I'm so sorry to hear you have such a JERK living in your neighborhood! Good for you for keeping on with what you know is good for your physically in spite of this guy's mouth. Praying for you!

Jill said...

tell the jerk face that jesus loves you, fat or not..

ps I dont think of you as fat. I see you for you..internet picture or whatever... you have a beautiful soul...