Friday, February 21, 2014

Losing

A good friend of mine had a miscarriage not long ago. I went from sad to pissed off about it much quicker than usual and I'm trying to figure out why.

Last night I thought about it a lot and the usual things didn't make sense to me. Oh sure, that one girl from the Teen Mom who is on heroin and can't keep custody of her first kid is pregnant again by some guy she knew for about twenty minutes when he impregnated her (it's tru luv I'm sure) and yes, that is annoying. Far be it from me to dictate anyone's reproductive choices, but it does sting a bit when someone publicly declares they've had an abortion one day and then a month later they are pregnant with another baby, presumably because they like the dad of the second baby more. For now.

But honestly? Things like that have happened forever and they will likely continue to happen forever. If you've ever been in the midst of horrible baby fever and happened upon some b-hole at the Harris Teeter smacking her two-year old because they wouldn't stop singing "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" then you've had similar feelings I'm sure. People will get pregnant for any number of reasons. Some of those reasons are better than others. Opinions are very subjective on that topic. It annoys me far more than anything else when people willingly, knowingly become pregnant and then constantly complain about their children. But again, I try to keep that inside. It's not their fault that five years ago I would have devised a plan to sneak into their home at night and kidnap those children. And who knows, maybe their kids are jerks and it really is torturous to have to feed them dinner every night. I have no way of knowing.

I've been trying really hard lately not to get up on my hind legs about certain things. A friend of mine posted on Facebook recently about abortion and people got their panties in such a twist that I'm sure it hurt them for days. One lady in particular was exceptionally vexed, as she had endured a miscarriage and HOW DARE ANYONE HAVE AN ABORTION WHEN SHE WAS SUFFERING. I feel her pain, truly. Within two weeks of my last miscarriage a total of six people (four friends and two relatives) announced their pregnancies. It sucks. It really does. I might have cried a little bit and said some swear words and maybe ate too much ice cream for a few days. But honestly? None of those pregnancies in any way caused my miscarriage. They didn't get the baby I was supposed to have. And the girl who was livid about someone having an abortion didn't lose because someone else did. I hope someday she can come to peace about that. Everything is not about you and the baby you lost, although I know it does feel that way sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it's going to swallow you whole. I get that.

Despite my careful evaluation of my personal feelings, my friend having a miscarriage has made me furious. I cried and swore. I didn't eat ice cream because I'm not eating ice cream these days, but still. The pattern was there.

I think, maybe, it's because when you or someone you love has a miscarriage, there is nothing you can say that will make it okay for that person. People sometimes try and they end up saying horrible things like, "God needed that baby more than you did" or "It's in a better place" or "You're young, you can just try again!" and my personal favorite, "Maybe you just weren't supposed to have a baby with Jason".  None of those things help and one of them in particular makes me want to stab people in the face.

I am pissed off about all the unknown things too. It's always amazing to me that two people can get together in the back of someone's truck on a Friday night behind the football field and somehow manage to get pregnant because for other people it's the most complicated thing in the world. For other people, getting pregnant is not actually a problem, but staying pregnant? Whole other story. Oh and the best part of all of this? There is very little rhyme or reason to it. Some people have risk factors. Some people have an accident. Sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes there is no reason. No excuse. No way to know. All you have is a big bunch of questions and Dr. Google to guide you. There's a lot of crap out there, and a lot of it makes you feel even worse about yourself. I know this from personal experience, unfortunately.

How can you make sense of something that 9 times out of 10 doesn't make a darn bit of sense?

I guess above all, this is making me furious because I love my friend. Because she's a great mom to the daughter she already has. Because I feel like she's been through enough crap in this life and maybe she should get to experience all good things from now on. Because I love her. Because she's awesome. Because she doesn't deserve to have that kind of pain, ever.

Because I'm tired, so very tired, of good people losing.


3 comments:

Tamar said...

Another friend of mine just lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks. This was an IVF baby, conceived after multiple expensive attempts, and their last shot. I'm so sad for her, and I don't even know what to say to make it better. It's not fair, and it's just terrible, and it won't ever stop being unfair.

rainydayinmay.com said...

Pretty much...

Here's the sad truth about abortion that no one will really admit because everyone is so caught up in their political or religion beliefs... (and I'm political AND a Christian) abortion is not the issue. Abortion is an industry. EVERYTHING is an industry. Abortion became what it has because women went to great lengths to get it, when it wasn't readily available. The problem is the issues proceeding abortions. Lets have BETTER consequencial laws for sexual abusers and violators. Let's be less careless with our sex lives... BUT none of that was your point. I know...

After 7 miscarriages and never having a baby, it took a LONG time for me not to realize that abortion wasn't some huge, cosmic slap in the face. It's not fair, because it really isn't fair... But what part of life is supposed to be? It sucks ass, pretty evenly, across the board.

But you are so right. There is a TON of personal healing in coming to terms with the realization that those moms who hurt/neglect their kids aren't about you and your losses... (or women who choose abortion.) I adopted three very abused kids and that was a HARD thing to wrap my brain around. SO MUCH unjustice. So many God-aimed questions. But at the end of the day it eliminates free will and choices and implies the whole world revolves around me, and it doesn't. Now my little sister is dealing with similar things (she's 24) and I so want to share what I've learned but it just sounds so bitchy everytime I say it out loud. "yeah, you can't have a baby and this sucks. It's not fair that those moms you know are crap. But you know what, it's not about you..." I should work on my delivery! ha!

dawnabon said...

I tried to leave a comment earlier - I'm not sure why I have trouble getting them to work (blaming my work computer!) But I just wanted to thank you for writing this and send you a big ol' virtual hug.