Saturday, May 24, 2014

Days in neighborhood: 814, Friends in the neighborhood: 0

Dear lady walking her kid while I was out walking my dog this morning,

What is wrong with you?

No, seriously. What is wrong with you?

You were walking on one side of the road, pulling your kid in a wagon. I was on the opposite side of the street, walking in the opposite direction. Quite honestly, I didn't even notice you until you started shrieking like a fishwife.


At that point my dog looked at you for the very first time and gave you a distinct, "Bitch, please" look. My dog. She poops in the middle of the road, cannot control her gas, and acts like a complete d-bag at the doctor's office. This creature displayed more class than you in this situation. My dog gave you a side-eye. That's how far you've sunk. It's like Snooki telling you that you need to act in a more respectable manner. That's how bad it is.

Also? This dog? You seriously think this dog is scary?

Are you sniffing glue? Granted, her poo gas can be scary sometimes and I wouldn't try to come between her and a piece of chicken, but seriously? She was on the other side of the street. She was on a leash. She hadn't even noticed you until you made yourself noticeable. She was struggling to keep up on the walk because her legs hurt and she was completely focused on getting home. She's not interested in you. Like, at all. I promise.

Yes, your kid started crying. I'm sorry your kid starting crying. It was not, however, because your kid was scared of my dog. It was because YOU told your kid that he was scared of my dog. YOU acted like a hysterical idiot about a dog who was nowhere near you, showed no interest in you, and kept walking ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STREET as you, even while you were shouting and acting foolish. You shrieking to your son, "OH THAT DOG SCARED YOU!"? Girl, whatever makes you feel better about your parenting.

If you have and/or your crotch fruit have a legitimate fear of dogs, I'm truly sorry. I have a fear of birds and it sucks. However,I don't shriek and act ridiculous if I happen to see a bird on the opposite side of the street from me. If I did that, I'd be shrieking every single second of my life. There are like 86 trees in my backyard. There are birds. I have to deal with it. As long as they don't try to touch me, I'm cool. You should try it, if not for yourself, for your kid. Who was way too old to be pulled in a wagon, by the way. So. Burn.

Have a swell day.


Bethany said...

Reason 814 that I love you- crotch fruit

Anonymous said...

Crotch fruit?! Omigod, you are the A to Z of Awesome!

WicketsMom said...

I think your dog is cute, and your neighbor is an idiot.

WicketsMom said...

I think your dog is cute, and your neighbor is an idiot.

perdido said...

that dog is not scary and I agree she is an idiot

I'm sorry your neighborhood isn't friendly I wish I lived in your neigborhood! I would be your friend!!! ;)