When bad things happen in the world, sometimes I don't post my feelings about it on Facebook.
It's not that I don't care.
I always, always care.
Sometimes, it's simply because I have no words to say. Sometimes, it's because I feel like every ounce of goodness is being sucked out of the world. Sometimes it's because I am in a deep, black hole of depression and the best thing I can do is focus on the positive and not dwell on the horror.
Sometimes, despite the fact that I'm on massive painkillers (just due to some dental work and only very temporarily), I can't even sleep. Because I'm thinking about mothers and families and blood and fire. Because I'm choking back tears when I tell my husband how sad all of it makes me.
This weekend in my town, probably less than five minutes from where I live, a young woman was murdered. Stabbed to death. The comments on the news story online largely said, "That's what she gets". She was white. Her fiancee, who murdered her, was black. He had a criminal background.
She did not deserve to be murdered. She made a bad choice. Do you know how many bad choices I've made in my life? Thank God I'm not dead because of them. Thank God my mother is not mourning me on Thanksgiving day, like the mother of this dead young woman will be. We all make bad choices. All of us. We don't deserve to die because of them.
In my hometown newspaper there are stories of families who need help to have a good Christmas. I read one the other day. I believe there were six children involved and a single mom. The comments on the online story ranged from "fat ass" (about the mother), "should have kept her legs closed" (also about the mother), "why did she have so many children anyway!" (you guessed it) and then some rude comments about the hue of some of the children's skin. Because that's what Christmas is all about, right? Being hurtful and hateful and judgmental online. To children. CHILDREN.
So, no. I don't always post my feelings on Facebook.
Sometimes it's just because I recognize that no matter what I say, it's not the right thing. I don't know sometimes if anyone can say the right thing.
It's not because I don't care.
It's never, ever because I don't care.
I just sometimes have to deal with things in my own heart and my own mind.
Sometimes there just aren't words to say how I feel.