Monday, January 5, 2015

Just one

As I've mentioned many times, I'm not really big on having "resolutions". I like goals and write lists of those for myself frequently, but doing this once a year in January and forget about them before February crap is generally not for me. I figure I find enough ways to fail all on my own and don't need any additional, arbitrary guidelines.

However, a few weeks ago I got this idea in my head and I can't get it to go away, no matter how much Diet Pepsi I drink (because that kills brain cells, according to like twelve people on my Facebook page and their increasingly angry private messages to me), so I thought I'd share it today. Don't tell anyone, okay? Because this is kind of embarrassing.

I want to make one friend.

Just one.

Lest I reveal myself as a complete loser, let me clarify that I do, indeed, have friends. Real, live people who love and care about me. In fact, there are a small number of people on this planet that I consider my "heart friends" (patent pending*) who I know I can always count on for things like 3am text messages, endless snark, and honest assessments of things like my marriage , my relationship with my children, and chin hair. Important things.

Alas, every one of those people live many, many miles from me.

Alas again, there have been more times lately than I care to recall that I have really, really needed a friend in my zip code. As my children get older and need/want me around less and less I am reaching a point in my life that, frankly, I'm not thrilled about. It's 2015. My children will graduate high school in 2016 (quicktypeanothersentencebeforepanicsetsin). I turn 40 this year. FOR-TEE (okaythatsentencedidnothelpatall). As much as it pains me to type this, I don't know how many years I have left with my dog (ohmyGODareyoutryingtokillmethismorning?!?). Things are changing, and they are going to change even more, no matter how I feel about it.

I wish I had one person, just one, in my town who I could talk to about these things. Who could talk to me about her things, whatever her things might be. I know I seem really needy, but honest to God I do have things to offer and not just things like, "Which Star Wars character would be the most powerful if they were fighting Hitler?" I could probably answer that intelligently, but really that's not the only thing I know. I've been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can be very comforting. I can be very funny. I can give advice that matters. I can be a good friend.

I think finding this person is a good goal for me.

However, I honest to God have literally no idea how this can be accomplished.

I'm really not trying to be self-defeating, I just honestly don't know. I work from home, which means I don't really see people during the day (with the exception of the mailman, who is very nice). I love Jesus, but I don't have a church. I do volunteer work, but it's largely solo. I joined a Couch to 5K program and while I became very friendly with the other runners, I haven't had a good connection with anyone in particular. Which could be because one of us is ridiculously competitive, ahem. I am friendly with the ladies at my bootcamp, but I don't really live in that world, so I haven't found a close friend there either. I really like my therapist a lot, but it's probably frowned on for her to hang out since I'm the crazy person and whatnot.

So. What to do?

I seriously have no idea.


Theresa said...

If you're ready for that, it'll come. It will. I have no idea how to go about it either, but it'll happen, when the effort is put out there. Oh! And 40 ain't so bad. At least, until you TURN 40. Before that, yeah, it's a major freak out. At least that's how it was for me. And I never thought I'd get older than 23! Happy New Year!

Kristie said...

I had a similar problem after one of my moves, and the absence of that One Friend showed me how critical that person can be to happiness. Therefore, the next two times I moved, I made a similar resolution. I found the friends I needed through my kids and neighborhood the first time, but the second time, I relied on a book club. I found the group of women through the public library, and stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and showed up at a gathering without knowing a soul. That was thirteen years ago, and one of my best friends (and a few other really good ones) came out of that book club. If the public library doesn't have one, offer to start one--or if you have a Barnes & Noble in your town, there may be one there.

Carolyn said...

If you figure it out, let me know. I have the same problem. Making friends as an adult is really, really hard.

Cindy said...

I wish I lived in your zip code because I think we would really hit it off. Of course, it would take a really long time for me to not be socially awkward around you... you know, laughing hystarically at inappropriate times, swearing in my head that I'm not going to throw in a story that's barely related to whatever conversation is going on and then doing it anyway, coming off as bitchy because I'm really pretty shy and hard to get to know.

Alas... I will have to worship you from afar, because really - I think you're pretty awesome and I think you've got a ton of cojones to put so much of yourself out there.

I have a similar goal and I'm really trying but I'm pretty sure I'm coming off as desparate and pathetic.

Lynn said...

Amen, sister. I feel the same way.

Jill said...

Same here. Everyone said 'once your kid goes to school, you automatically make other parent friends'... they lied. Rotten jerks. Didn't ever happen. Still lonely.