- If you are going to call someone before 5am FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHECK THE FREAKING NUMBER. I do not need to stumble down the stairs (sure that someone is dead) to have your stupid ass hang up on me as soon as I say "Hello?" and you realize you dialed the wrong number. I know you are probably drunk if you are calling someone that early/late, but JESUS LORD. I am EXHAUSTED. I love sleep so much I wish I could marry it and have twelve babies with it. I hate when people wake me up for no reason. HATE.
-If you are a "fitness" person on Instagram, for the love of all that is holy, please stop posting "progress" pictures every frick-fracking day of your life. You do not look significantly different on Thursday than you did on Wednesday, unless you had twins on Wednesday or something. Stop it.
-Similarly, fitness people? You truly do not have to show a photograph of yourself in various states of undress in order to show actual, true progress. I'm not a prudish person by any stretch of the imagination and I cringe when people post pictures of themselves in underpants, presenting their buttocks like a wild ape, or some version of themselves holding up their naked boobies on the internet. Do you people not have jobs? There is no circumstance under which my employer would ever need to see what my c-section scar looks like. Also? I'm pretty sure my son would die a thousand deaths if he ever saw such a thing and I really love him and want to keep him around. Perhaps you could apply these logical rules to your own lives?
-No, customer, I have no idea why you made the decisions you made six months ago. I really don't. They were your decisions to make and you made them so please stop emailing me and saying things like, "WHY CAN'T I CHANGE THIS?!?!!??!" I told you six months ago that once you made that decision it couldn't be changed, outlined all the potential scenarios at length, and sat through seven meetings while you argued with your internal team about it. I really don't know what else I could have done.
-Also, it is extraordinarily unprofessional to use this type of punctuation in an work-related email: ?!?!?!?!
-Additionally, it is extraordinarily unprofessional to sign your emails any of the following ways:
Kisses!, XOXOX, Love ya!, or Thanks Kiddo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If your main problem in life is what restaurant you want to eat at on
vacation...I don't want to hear about your problems. I'm sorry, I just don't.
Okay, actually? I'm not sorry. I just don't, period.
-If it has been raining for two days and our yard looks like we
have lake front property there is no need to water the garden. No.
-If you spend time with me, then try to act like you are doing me a favor by
spending time with me, you can suck it.
-Stop it with your "concern". You aren't concerned about me. You were smug because I was fat and you brought it up all the time (never to ME, only to other people who you knew would tell me) because you wanted me to feel like crap about it. Now that I've lost weight and weigh less than you do, you're pissed about that and now you bring up my way of eating because of your b.s. "concerns". Just for your information? I don't eat bacon all the time. My eating is not "weird". I eat a crap-ton of vegetables every day of my life and exercise six days a week. Also? Not one bit of any of this is any of your business. Like, at all. My weight is not your business and it never has been. Do I ask you to pay for my food? Then that's not your business either. You are not concerned about me. You are not concerned about my health. You know how I know you aren't concerned about my health? Every "concern" has been about my weight. "Oh, she's so heavy! I'm so concerned!" "Oh, she's lost so much weight too quickly! I'm concerned!" (And, um, your idea of "too quickly" is laughable) Never once have you EVER said, "Oh, her mom had breast cancer. I'm so concerned she's not getting her mammograms on time" or "I'm so concerned about the level of stress in her life because she's prone to severe depression." If your health concerns are soley focused on someone's weight, you aren't concerned you are just being a dick. So instead of being concerned about me and my life, how about just worry about yourself? I promise, I won't worry about you.