I wasn't sure I was going to do another one. I won like $265 in the first one, but I really didn't enjoy the social aspect of it as much as I thought I would. However, as I'm very honest about, I am one competitive mo-fo. So...yeah. Go figure, I joined another one.
Anyway, this morning was my weigh-in. You have to write a code word on a note card and take a picture of it with your scale. I dutifully wrote out my code word, grabbed my phone to snap the photo, went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale.
The number flashed on the screen and I jumped off.
I got on and off the scale seven times, just to make sure.
Because the number on the scale? It's my goal weight.
Not my Diet Bet goal weight. The goal weight that I wrote down in my secret journal that no one has ever seen. The number I wrote down like five years ago and thought, "Yeah right" about. That number. That was on the scale this morning.
I have no idea. I have no idea how I feel about this.
Way too much of my brain space has been dedicated to this for the last several years. I don't know if that will change. I don't know how it can. It's not over, you know? I feel like I have to be vigilant for now and forever. This has been hard and I can't imagine it ever not being hard.
Also, I don't know if the number I originally picked, the number that used to seem so unattainable, is even the right number for me. According to the BMI charts, I still need to lose some weight. Not some, like 30 more pounds.
Somehow, that 30 pounds doesn't seem as scary to me anymore. Maybe not surprising.
I don't know what to do now.
It feels like there should be...something. Something amazing should happen now. Some ticker-tape parade should magically appear when I walk out the door. With lots of balloons. Or people wearing bikinis. I don't know. Something.
But the reality is? This is just life.
The last several years of my life would have passed whether I was doing this or not. This is just...me.
I gotta figure out how to be okay with this gal. Today, right now. Not thirty pounds from now. Not as some weight-loss "victor". Just, as Stephanie. A mom, a wife, a hard working lady. Just me.
It's funny. I always thought reaching my goal weight would be something really spectacular. That if anyone ever asked me how much I weighed I'd be all smug and say, "ONE HUNDRED AND SEXY!" That things would be somehow...different. Maybe not even better, just different.
I can say, with great clarity today, it's just a number. The scale is just a number.
I'm not a number.
I don't know what I am exactly, but I know it's not just a number.