Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Stuff I want to figure out in 2016

As I've mentioned many times, I'm not really big on resolutions. They just don't do it for me. I make goals instead.

Some people argue that resolutions and goals are the same thing, but I see it a little differently. I might make a resolution that says, "I want to lose weight". That's pretty vague. If I make a goal, I take actions. I have steps to take. I make a plan. God knows I love a good plan.

So here are some of the things I want to do:

1) Relax

Okay, this one is really tough. How do you have a plan for relaxing? Even my best plans for this one continually fail. I attempt meditation. I sit quietly with as few distractions as possible (difficult with my life...probably difficult with the lives of most people I know).  I have a lot of trouble turning my brain off. A lot.

That's all excuses though. This is something I am actively going to work on because it matters.

2) Find some peace with my body

This one is probably the worst and the hardest to write. No one wants to hear this, you know? So you lose all this weight and you are still not happy with your body? It makes people furious when I admit this. It makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with me. It makes them feel like I'm a complainer (which I totally am, keep reading) and one really charming individual online told me she hoped I gained all my weight back so I would find some "damn perspective". Nice, right?

I'm not a jerk. Okay, maybe I am, but not about this. I'm just a bit lost right now. I've lived for many years in a very large body and now it's not very large anymore. I received a size medium sweater for Christmas and it fit and I sat for a very long time just staring at it because that's not logical. I have people telling me I'm way too skinny (lol, NO) and people who tell me I'm still too fat and need to lose more weight. I've lost 197lbs total as of this morning and my body and my mind are still adjusting to this huge, huge life change.

I'm writing about it (shh, don't tell anyone), which is helping. My head is all wrong though, and that's what I need to fix.

TRUTH: Weight loss is not a magical cure for a happy life. It just isn't. It never will be. The sooner you stop believing that, the less disappointed you will be. Please learn from my personal experience.

3) Stop complaining so much

Even if the complaints are totally valid, WHICH THEY ARE, no one wants to hear them. This happens to me all the time:

Someone: How are you?
Me: Oh, well I'm bummed because even though my work load has increased by like three times what it used to be, I didn't get paid as much this year because of the bonus structure. It's really upsetting.
Someone: Hmm.

What should happen all the time:

Someone: How are you?
Me: I'm fine, how are you?
Someone: Great!

NO ONE CARES. Seriously. No one cares, I already feel bad, and then I feel even worse. When people ask how you are they want to hear "fine". They don't want to hear your problems. I have no idea why it's taken me forty years to get this. People have their own problems. They don't want to hear mine.

(My therapist would be shrieking at me right now, but it's still true!)

4) Take every bit of my vacation time

This one really doesn't need an explanation.

5) Focus on my overall health instead of weight loss

I'm going to be totally honest that I focused on weight loss in 2015. I don't really regret that either, despite the weirdness with my body as mentioned above. I've lost about 55lbs in 2015. I needed to lose those 55lbs. Yes, I really did and admitting that I did is not a bad thing.

Loving yourself is a good thing...a great thing. It doesn't mean it's okay to be unhealthy and I'm angry at myself for buying into that.

I need to find a primary care physician. I need to focus on my mental health and emotional well-being. I need to stop believing that everyone else and their needs are more important than me and my needs.

6) Focus on my personal care

This goes beyond my health. Right now I need a haircut and my eyebrows look like they could walk around by themselves on the forest moon of Endor. My toenail polish is chipped...heck, my toenails are chipped. I think I've put on make-up twice in the last three weeks (which is fine, seriously, if you don't wear make-up. I need make-up. No really, I NEED IT). I really hate to admit this, but I could use a shower. I am not spending the time on myself that I need to be spending.

This is not okay. I'm working two jobs right now and I keep using that as an excuse (and excuse really isn't a fair word and no, I'm not complaining, it's just really a lot of work). I matter and I need to treat myself like I matter.

7) Drink more water

This one really doesn't require much explanation either. Specifically, I need to stop drinking Diet Pepsi after 2pm so I can get more restful sleep. I've tried this. I know it works to some degree (I have trouble with my brain turning off for sleep no matter what). I really, really love water too so I don't know why I struggle with it. Every night before bed when I drink my 16 ounces I say, "Man, this is the best water I've ever had!" (not prone to exaggeration or anything) and then I wonder why I don't do that all day long. Maybe it just tastes better at bedtime. I don't know.

8) Say "No" more

Like most adults, I do things I really don't want to do every single day of my life. It's part of being a responsible adult. I get this.

Also what I do that many adults do NOT do is say yes to things that I don't have to say yes to in order to keep my job, pay my bills, or not completely hose my children or marriage.

I need to stop that.

I know this has been a goal of mine before and I'm totally okay with admitting I've failed at it. I don't know why I am so afraid that people will think less of me if I can't do EVERYTHING (I have some theories on why this is but those would probably be best worked out in therapy). I'm a hard working lady. I don't have to be a Superwoman.

9) Focus specifically on being a better wife

I don't think I'm a bad wife, mind you, and I think Jason would say I'm a great wife (most of the time anyway). I think there are some areas that I, personally, would like to improve upon. My first instinct is to be annoyed when I should just listen. I need to remember that even though my husband is this big bear of a man he has feelings and I could hurt them with the things I say. We're heading into our thirteenth year of marriage and I want it to be great. I want to have the type of marriage that makes the burdens in life seem small.

10) Evaluate my relationship with my "adult" children

Yes, even though I don't like to think about this, my children will be legally adults in approximately three months. No, I have no idea how this happened.

I feel like I'm doing only okay with helping them ease into the world, and I want to do better. They have jobs, they are going to school, they help with things like car insurance and they certainly do not (and never have) get everything they want whenever they want it, so we're making some progress. We've made it quite clear to both of them what we can and cannot afford to do to assist them as they move along in this world, but I do still have some of the guilt that comes along with the fact that there is no way I could pay $40,000 a year for my son to go to his dream school.

The other piece of this is their changing attitudes and lives. Letting them explore different ideas. Letting them figure things out on their own. It sucks. It's really hard. Oh my God you guys, it's REALLY hard. I never thought of myself as a control freak until I had teenagers and now? I just want to control everything they do because I can see around those corners that they absolutely just cannot see around.

I can't. I have to let them try things. I have to let them learn. I have to remember that I when I was eighteen I thought I knew everything too.

It's hard. It's really hard. I have to get better at it.

11) Write more

I was completely determined I was going to end at #10, but screw it. I need to write more. It makes me happy. It doesn't matter if it's perfect. It doesn't matter if no one ever reads it. I just need to do it.

Happy 2016 to you all. I hope to see you around.


Jana Holdeman Frerichs said...

I think you wrote this just for me! Thank you for putting into words EXACTLY what I have been feeling the last few months. Here's to you and me and to reaching these goals and being okay if we don't!

Lynn said...

Have you tried guided meditation? I have the same problem you have just sitting there...I start thinking about all kinds of things. I use a free app called Insight Timer. You can use it as a timer or they have guided meditations from 5 to 60 minutes long. They are great.

Jill said...

people are such jerks. I hope you get all you want and more this year.