Sunday, July 3, 2016

Time marches on.

My niece had a baby last night. I'm a great-aunt again. My great-nephew is almost a year old now.

My brother is someone's grandpa.

My sister is someone's grandma.

My children graduated from high school and are officially enrolled in college. They have been annoying me enough lately that I've finally had that moment of, "OH! So this is why people are glad to see their children go off to college!"

My husband and I are getting ready to celebrate 13 years of marriage next week. At Christmas he said, "We've been together 16 years now!". Sixteen years.

Six. Teen. Years.

My dad will be 67 this year.  I will be 41.

I don't feel like what I thought I would feel like at 41. I thought I would feel more mature. I thought I would be wiser. I thought I would somehow be different or better.

I'm not. I'm still learning.

Just this past weekend I learned (or perhaps was just reminded) that even if you personally try your best and hardest and help everyone you can there is just no guarantee that anyone is going to do the same for you. Even if you say, "We're all in this together" that's not always the case. Sometimes people are just out for themselves and actually don't care much about you.

You'd think I would have learned that by now.

My heart still gets me in trouble sometimes. I just don't know if that will ever change. I'm still praying for my children's future spouses; a nice orphan, scrappy girl for my son who will love and appreciate having me as the mother she never had and a nice, responsible, hard-working, peace-corps-change-the-world, big-hearted, funny guy for my daughter. Who loves lasagna and family dinners and sitting around the dining room table laughing. Who will both say at my funeral, "I could not have asked for a better mother-in-law".

Selfish requests? Yes. Probably. I want my children to be happy and find exactly the right people for them. I can't help but want them to be part of us too though, all of us. I don't really have desire for a baby anymore but I do desire more family. More people to love and hold on to.

It's part of why I try so hard. I know not everyone appreciates my heart, but some people do and some people are enough.

Either way, I'm not going to change. I'm just not. I'm at peace about that too.

Time keeps going, and I keep going too. Working and learning and trying. Every single day.

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