Thursday, January 12, 2017

Open Letters: Baby-it's-cold-outside edition!*

Dear person I hate-follow on Instagram,

No one really believes your weight loss is real because you photoshop yourself to unrealistic proportions. Eyes, other than those belonging to Princesses of the Disney variety, are not that shape. Never. Ever.

Also, your wig needs some attention. Just trying to help you.


Dear People on Facebook,

You do know that people can actually see and read what you post/like/comment on on Facebook, right? Like every time click "Like" on one of those Biker-Sluts-for-Jesus-Who-Think-Obama-Is-a-Muslim posts, we can all see it?

Just making sure.

Also? You need church.


Dear husband,

Thank you for being kind, sane, decent, loving, and hard-working. Also, cute. You're my favorite.


Dear son,

For the love of Jesus, please learn social cues. No one is as interested in the War of 1812 as you are. No one. LITERALLY NO ONE. Especially not me. Here's a hint: when people start ignoring you and/or changing the subject it's because they don't care.

I know you are 18 and think you know everything but...darling, you don't. You don't know jack. You have a long, long, LONG way to go. You've barely even started.

I love you and I think you are very loveable, once you get your head out of your ass. So work on that. I know you can do it.

I love you a million,
Your mom

*not really. It was just catchy.

No comments: