Monday, April 24, 2017


I very distinctly remember how painful my divorce was.

Weird, right? It happened a very long time ago and a lot (a LOT) has happened since then. I don't remember a lot of things about my ex-husband (I recently struggled to remember his middle name, yikes) and I've been thankful recently that I had a few pictures because my son was asking questions. The pain I remembered was a surprise.

The memory is quite different than actually going through it, though. I very vividly remember feeling like I would never be happy again (I also recently remembered some very vivid dreams that I had while pregnant that I would marry a quiet man with a beard who would make me very happy. So. Weird). Although it's still kind of crappy to think about those feelings, I'm really kind of glad I did. It wasn't forever.

Nothing is actually forever. That's comforting.

I have well documented anxiety and I used to get myself through webinars at my job by telling myself, "At 2pm this will all be over". It felt less painful that way, less like an obligation or something to fear. It just felt like another part of my day. Do this now, check it off your list, and then you'll be okay. Now that I've become more comfortable with my job and familiar with the products and tools we use, it's just like breathing. The fear, the anxiety, the worry...none of that was forever.

Although I already knew this, good things aren't forever too. I mean, wouldn't that be nice? I would dearly love if weight loss was one of those things you only had to do one time and once it was done it was done forever. You didn't have to slog through the day-to-day maintenance to keep yourself in check. The actual weight loss, while not fun, is at least interesting. People have questions, people want to know what you did and how they can do it too (although they often get mad at you when you tell them, so that's kind of hilarious too). Maintenance is boring. It's mundane. It's nothing sexy or exciting. It's just life.

Still, I find it oddly comforting to know that the "happy" doesn't last forever either. Your pet won't live forever, you can't eat twelve cakes, there will always be a new customer to have a webinar with. Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy. Appreciate what you have right now. Keep going to Zumba and running those races. Insert inspirational saying here, if you so desire.

I was on Facebook the other day and a girl in one my groups was saying she had so much weight to lose and it was going to take her so long and she just didn't know it was worth it. I didn't understand that because presumably you are going to pass the time anyway, right? Why not try to be your best? In five years you'll be five years older either way.

So many people I love are dealing with some painful crap right now and I hate it so much for them. It sucks, completely. No way around it. 

It's not forever though. I have proof.

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