I'm making progress. A lot of progress.
It's funny, I guess. Everything seems to be clicking all at once. I don't know if it's because I've finally become open to it or what, but it's kind of lovely and wonderful that so many things are starting to make sense.
Honestly? I think it's because I keep saying "no".
That sounds weird to me, and it looks weird when I type it. I've always been a yes person. Yes, I will take on more. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will be the one to sacrifice.
I still do that, by the way. I'm not perfect about it, but I still give up a lot for the people I love. Love is a worthwhile venture.
For others though? It's become easier to say no.
It's become easier to say, "I don't like this person and I don't have to have them as part of my life". It doesn't matter if they are a co-worker, or related to you somehow or anything. You literally don't have to be friends with anyone for any reason, and realizing that (or perhaps accepting that) has made my life much...I don't know. Easier is the wrong word, because it's never easy, but the word that keeps coming to my mind is softer.
Realizations are sometimes painful too, and unfortunately I've recently realized that there are people in my life that I've been wasting a lot of time and energy on. People who really aren't good friends and a few that really aren't even good people. That sucks, frankly, and it's especially hard when I think about the efforts I've put forth for them over the years that were never returned, never appreciated, and never even warranted. There's also the longing. The painful, awful longing for the things that you'll never have. It's always been more about what wasn't there than what was and that's a kick in the crotch that no one wants.
It's okay though. I don't have to be a soft place to fall. I don't have to be a shoulder to cry on. I don't have to listen to complaints over and over when the person will never make any effort to change. I literally, 100% don't have to do it, no matter who the person is, and it feels amazing. I have people who love me and who are good, decent people. They are enough.
I am enough too, despite what some people think, and that's very comforting as well. Understanding that sometimes when someone has a problem with you, they actually just have a "heart" problem, well. That can be very freeing.
It's actually okay to take care of yourself. It really is. If you don't, things are going to suck forever. So if someone in your life is toxic think about how you would feel if that toxic person was trying to force their way into your child's life. Or your husband. Or your best friend. Or whoever you personally care about. Wouldn't you do anything to keep that from happening?
You deserve no less. It's not selfish, not even a little, to kick those people to the curb.
I'm kicking my friends. Kicking hard.